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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tis the season for unreason, apparently

206 replies

lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 10:54

So. DP isn't as 'into' Christmas as I am and fair enough not everyone loves it, but he's said something's recently that have made me quite sad. I was joking with him two weeks ago about having to hide his present so he wouldn't find it and he looked startled and said 'oh, I haven't got you anything' - I said 'you mean yet!' and laughed but he didn't laugh. Then last night we were talking about presents for family and he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year because of bills etc' - I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills and got presents for people and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights. He looks grumpy when I suggest a tree (the house is totally bare) and doesn't want any Christmas food. He grumps about it being materialistic and now I find myself feeling guilty for hoping for a gift from him. Am I being an unreasonable materialistic cow pressuring him into a holiday he doesn't like or is he being the ultimate Scrooge? I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 16/12/2017 12:03

I agree PositivelyPERF, when I met my DP, I worked full time. We have had two children wince then, I was a student for sometime, now I am disabled. At one point, for a very brief period he was unemployed!

We have supported each other, but mainly he has supported me, something I would never have predicted happening.

woofmiaowwoof · 16/12/2017 12:04

He sounds miserable - another one who would like to know how long you’ve been together. If it’s important to you, he needs to meet you half way on effort. And yes, where has all his money gone if he’s better off but still hard up?

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 12:04

Do NOT have kids with this wanker! He'll make your lives a misery. He'll expect you to pay for every bit of their care. How do people end up in relationships like this? Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

BewareOfDragons · 16/12/2017 12:25

Why are you paying half the bills under the circumstances?

He obviously doesn't care about you as much as he does himself. What a jerk.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 13:08

We've been together just over a year and we both worked Christmas last year so didn't get a chance to do anything together. I knew he didn't celebrate it but he seems actively against us doing anything 'christmassy' and looks down on it - I bought some fairy lights just for the living room and he said 'God not more of this Christmas shit' - financially unless he's been recklessly spending and not telling me he should better off than me to the tune of about £500 this month.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 13:34

' financially unless he's been recklessly spending and not telling me he should better off than me to the tune of about £500 this month.'

FUCK that for a game of soldiers!

'I bought some fairy lights just for the living room and he said 'God not more of this Christmas shit' - '

Fuck that, too. It's your home, too. Are you renting together? Whose house is it?

Look, OP, he's a miserable cunt who's disadvantaging you financially.

Give yourself an excellent Christmas present: get rid of this miserly misery guts.

whereisteddy · 16/12/2017 13:34

What happened with your birthday?

whereisteddy · 16/12/2017 13:35

I'm inclined to agree with the others who say leave him

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 13:39

We rent and are both on the tenancy, it bothers me that in conversation with other people he says 'my house' though. It's our house and I've pulled him up on it before.

My birthday was a disaster. He was going to take me out to dinner as my gift which would have been lovely but ended up working late and I said I didn't mind getting a takeaway (I honestly didn't mind). But he made fun of me for dressing up bc I thought we were going out. Don't get me started on valentines. I think he just doesn't 'see' special occasions if that makes sense.

OP posts:
curryforbreakfast · 16/12/2017 13:42

OP, you do realise that its nothing to do with xmas, don't you? He's just a dickhead and he doesn't care for you very much.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/12/2017 13:43

He sounds like a financially exploitative, joy sucking prick. Ltb before you get trapped with children.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 13:45

What! He made fun of you for dressing up to go out for dinner on your birthday. He is a cock of the highest order. Why didn't you chuck him immediately?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 13:48

He doesn't see special occasions He actively uses every special occasion to hurt you and belittle you. He does see the special days. He sees them awfully well. They are opportunities to stick the knife in.

Cheeseislife · 16/12/2017 13:48

I assume he does have some good character traits? YANBU and I hope if he doesn't mange to find a bit of Christmas cheer you find some like minded company to spend the holidays with

whereisteddy · 16/12/2017 13:48

From what you have said, it seems to me that he doesn't value you; you are there conveniently for him. Even if you personally don't like Christmas/birthdays etc, you make an effort for those you care about because it is important to them. He sounds selfish. I'd seriously be considering why I was with him.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 13:48

I was more vulnerable back then but tbh I'm in a pretty vulnerable position right now as well. He isn't as bad as he was then but can still be very hard work, I'm not a peach to live with myself though so it's not all his fault.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 13:49

Are there other ways in which he makes you feel lesser, stupid, beneath him?

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 13:49

Sorry that was to rabbit asking re my birthday

OP posts:
iboughtsnowboots · 16/12/2017 13:49

It isn't just Xmas is it, it is any celebration. Which might be okay if you were loved and cared for in day to day life but it doesn't sound like you are. Do you want to be treated in this way for the next 30+ plus years?

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 13:49

'We rent and are both on the tenancy, it bothers me that in conversation with other people he says 'my house' though. It's our house and I've pulled him up on it before.

My birthday was a disaster. He was going to take me out to dinner as my gift which would have been lovely but ended up working late and I said I didn't mind getting a takeaway (I honestly didn't mind). But he made fun of me for dressing up bc I thought we were going out. Don't get me started on valentines. I think he just doesn't 'see' special occasions if that makes sense.'

Yeah, he 'sees' special occasions, he just doesn't give a fuck about you. What on Earth gave you such a low self-esteem that you moved in with a twat like this and agreed 50/50 when you both knew he earned far and above you? And the way he acted on your birthday? Only a total prick would do that.

He sucks all the joy out of life, and your wallet as well.

Get rid!

ILoveMillhousesDad · 16/12/2017 13:54

Oh my god. He sounds like an absolute bell end.

Does he have ANY redeeming qualities whatsoever?

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 13:54

'He isn't as bad as he was then but can still be very hard work, I'm not a peach to live with myself though so it's not all his fault.'

Bullshit! It is his fault that he's holding you to 50/50 when it makes him far better off and that he treats you like shit. Oh, and his working late on your bday, that was deliberate so he didn't have to take you out because he's a fucking miser.

No one is a peach to live with.

But he's a cunt to live with.

Seriously, you'd be better off in a flatshare or bedsit than with a killjoy skinflint like this.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 13:55

Nobody is perfect. Being entitled to being treated well is not a thing reserved for people who are the perfect partner.

Everyone is a bit of a shit partner sometimes. The thing is for most people, they feel shit about being a shit and make serious efforts to never be like that again.

Abusive people don't feel bad, they feel entitled to hurt you, they feel it is your fault they are bad, they don't look for ways to change their own behaviour to make things better, they look for ways to change your behaviour to make them not hurt you.

He isn't as bad as he was then but can still be very hard work, I'm not a peach to live with myself though so it's not all his fault. This is pretty much what every person in an abusive relationship says. I bet he isn't as bad because you have changed your behaviour to stop him hurting you so much. Wrong!

Evelynismyspyname · 16/12/2017 13:55

Hmm yes the updates make it clear that comprise isn't really the answer as the problem isn't different attitudes to Christmas, it's just that you've moved in with a very unpleasant man who has contempt for you and wants to make himself feel superior by making you unhappy.

ZaZathecat · 16/12/2017 14:03

God, if this is how he treats you in year 1, imagine in ten years time... He sounds like a grumpy old git and I wouldn't want to live with someone like that.