Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tis the season for unreason, apparently

206 replies

lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 10:54

So. DP isn't as 'into' Christmas as I am and fair enough not everyone loves it, but he's said something's recently that have made me quite sad. I was joking with him two weeks ago about having to hide his present so he wouldn't find it and he looked startled and said 'oh, I haven't got you anything' - I said 'you mean yet!' and laughed but he didn't laugh. Then last night we were talking about presents for family and he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year because of bills etc' - I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills and got presents for people and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights. He looks grumpy when I suggest a tree (the house is totally bare) and doesn't want any Christmas food. He grumps about it being materialistic and now I find myself feeling guilty for hoping for a gift from him. Am I being an unreasonable materialistic cow pressuring him into a holiday he doesn't like or is he being the ultimate Scrooge? I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
fairytaleof2017 · 19/12/2017 14:11

it's pretty wearing to be with someone that continually overreacts to minor every day annoyances - why would a shower not getting hot cause him to start swearing and shouting? Seems like quite the overreaction to me.

It really doesn't sound like you have the issue to me, but it is classic that he turned it about and made you feel bad. He regularly makes you feel bad - that should tell you something.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 14:20

Lila

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

I would run, not just walk away from this man because he will simply continue to drag you down with him otherwise. He targeted you really at your most vulnerable because he thought that he could exploit you as a person.

Re your comment:-
"Sigh...he's just asked me to choose something I like and he'll pay for it, apparently 'all men do that".

No they do not. And you know it as well. Its not you, its him. You're seeing the real him and the real him is a nasty and miserable piece of work.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 19/12/2017 14:22

Fairytale - bc we have a cold house and he was shivering in the shower and it's fucking ridiculous we can't even get hot water to work in England in the 21st fucking century, apparently. To be fair it is really annoying having a lukewarm shower in winter. I just feel on edge when stuff like this happens.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 14:26

Lila

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Have a think about it.

He deliberately engineers fights for his own purposes i.e. to keep you on the backfoot. His actions are all about power and control. He probably will have you thinking if you do not already that you are nothing without him and would not manage without him.

He won't change; you can help your own self though by leaving this miserly and emotionally bankrupt abusive individual.

fairytaleof2017 · 19/12/2017 14:49

i agree with attila - our boiler has been off for 2 weeks when we've had small children - shit happens, shouting and swearing about it just makes him sound like an unpleasant princess tbh.

Ultimately, he doesn't sound any fun op. You deserve better...

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 19/12/2017 15:07

I think that's it in a nutshell, I genuinely feel quite confused when we laugh together as it's so rare. It can all change in an instant though, he was in a good mood this morning and then it was like the house was suddenly full of dark clouds bc he was in a bad mood. He is absolutely no fun to be around, but he puts this down to him being stressed at work.

OP posts:
fairytaleof2017 · 19/12/2017 15:13

well, the upshot is, he's no fun to be around. He's not a high earning exec paying for you to live a rolls royce lifestyle whilst he works 80 hours a week and you get your toenails painted, is he? He's a boring twat who's taking advantage of you financially and being a misery guts whilst he's at it :)

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2017 15:20

He says he is going to work on himself
Oh yeah??
What's he gonna do?
Nothing.... He'll tell you he will do 'so and so' in the new year and then it will be... I can't right now because of stress of work so I'll do it spring time... and so it goes on and on.
You know you need to get out.
Can you imagine this fun-sucking asshole being the father of your children?
Can you imagine your poor DC joyless lives???
Nope - get out.
Do it soon.
Go somewhere else for Christmas and be as Christmassy as you like.
As previously mentioned, get yourself on the Womens Aid Freedom Programme very fast.
Also read Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that.
You will find your miserable STBEx in there.

Hissy · 19/12/2017 15:43

He says he is going to work on himself

That old chestnut

You: "'D'P, you're being a tosser to me, please stop"
Him: OK. I'll try to be nice

You: "you're still being an arse, please stop"
Him: "I said I'll try....

HINT: Nice people don't need to try to be nice... they just are. If you point something out to them that means they are causing you stress, nice people STOP it.

He's abusive, you need to get him out of your life as quickly as possible..

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/12/2017 15:43

I am stressed at work. So is DH. Eldest child is stressed at school.

Our heating broke a couple of weeks ago and it was damn cold.

Nobody had a tantrum.

Hissy · 19/12/2017 15:44

He's not a high earning exec paying for you to live a rolls royce lifestyle whilst he works 80 hours a week and you get your toenails painted, is he?

Even if he were, that still doesn't give him carte blanche to be a tosser...

fairytaleof2017 · 19/12/2017 15:49

i was joking hissy, in all honesty though, some work stress is understandable if someone has a particularly hard job and sole financial responsibility and none of that applies here. This bloke, he's not doing anything for Op at all and still feels entitled to act like a tosser.

Nothomealone · 19/12/2017 16:41

My DH is an exec, I am currently not working, our DC are school age and while I have no wish to paint my nails I could if I wanted to. Nothing about this setup would mean I would accept my DH behaving like this. He will choose and buy gifts for me, DH and family, he will then wrap them. He isn't perfect and no hot water would probably cause a loud rant but I know it isn't directed at me, If I got upset he would apologise.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 19/12/2017 18:19

But that's it nothome - even though it's not aimed at me it puts me horribly on edge because he can poison the atmosphere of a room in seconds.

OP posts:
Nothomealone · 19/12/2017 18:53

The point for me is that when my DH explodes which he does at times If I don't like it, when he realises I am upset he apologises because although stressed and grumpy at times he isn't a mean arse. Your DH should apologise if he has upset you, it doesn't matter if it is directed at you or not.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/12/2017 18:56

A marriage without laughter. How depressing. Falling about laughing regularly has always been high on my list of partner (and friend) qualities.

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/12/2017 19:00

Male anger is intimidating even when not directed at you. The consequence is that you know what it’s like and will seek to avoid it being directed at you in future.

Start saving up an escape fund, OP, as it sounds as though your finances are tight. Give yourself the luxury of being able to walk out the door when you’re ready to.

Eolian · 19/12/2017 19:02

Nice people don't need to try to be nice... they just are.

^This. He senses your feeling that 'nobody else would put up with you' and uses it against you by giving himself carte blanche to treat you luke shit and make zero effort in your relationship, because he doesn't think you'd ever leave. Call his bluff. You deserve much much better.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2017 19:14

This will not get better. It.will.never.get.better. You really need to wake up and smell the coffee here, it's not going to get better. This is who he is.

Hissy · 19/12/2017 19:21

Completely understood you fairytale, absolutely correct :)

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 19/12/2017 20:35

Youre right expat, this is just who he is.

OP posts:
fairytaleof2017 · 20/12/2017 09:53

lila what are you going to do with 2018, what's on your wishlist? Stop thinking about the DP as a going concern and start thinking about the future and what you want from your life in the next year, the next 3 years, longer term etc and going after that.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 20/12/2017 10:14

So this morning he was an inconsiderate arse and when I pulled him up on it he raised his voice and said 'well if I don't make you happy why are you still with me?' And I was just silent and stared at him because I didn't want to say 'I don't know let's call it a day' at that precise moment. He's now in a monosyllabic sulk with much sighing. Eurrgh, it's so childish.

OP posts:
fairytaleof2017 · 20/12/2017 11:17

oh lovely, so now he's goading you, he's definitely childish and a prince among men :)

NettleTea · 20/12/2017 14:30

youve got one life.
dont waste it

Swipe left for the next trending thread