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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tis the season for unreason, apparently

206 replies

lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 10:54

So. DP isn't as 'into' Christmas as I am and fair enough not everyone loves it, but he's said something's recently that have made me quite sad. I was joking with him two weeks ago about having to hide his present so he wouldn't find it and he looked startled and said 'oh, I haven't got you anything' - I said 'you mean yet!' and laughed but he didn't laugh. Then last night we were talking about presents for family and he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year because of bills etc' - I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills and got presents for people and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights. He looks grumpy when I suggest a tree (the house is totally bare) and doesn't want any Christmas food. He grumps about it being materialistic and now I find myself feeling guilty for hoping for a gift from him. Am I being an unreasonable materialistic cow pressuring him into a holiday he doesn't like or is he being the ultimate Scrooge? I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
whereisteddy · 16/12/2017 23:51

Do you have friends/family nearby? Living alone is really very nice if you are going out to work and have friends/family you can catch up with a few times a week; I was never ever lonely in over ten years and am now single mum by choice (I wouldn't ever have live in partner now), but have lots of people round me. Go to exercise classes, Church, the library, anywhere with groups (meetup is a good website for groups) and expand your social circle-you'd be less lonely than you are in this 'relationship'

eastlondoner · 17/12/2017 00:07

He sound really tightfisted. I doubt it actually has anything to do with Christmas.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 00:14

It's so hard to explain how I actually feel. I just look back on some of the things he's said or done and feel like utter shit and then he'll be nice and smile at me like he loves me and I'll feel like it must all be in my head?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/12/2017 00:21

Death by a thousand tiny cuts.

He doesn't make you feel treasured, loved or special Sad

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 00:25

But clearly i don't make him feel that way either random, despite putting up with him, and then I feel bad bc I think of our relationship as 'putting up wth' rather than 'loving' him and tie myself in total knots with how ungrateful I must be. Then when I put this to him he says I do make him happy and he doesn't want me to leave. But his actions say something else. When he's at home he games and relaxes which is fair enough after a long shift but doesn't seem to have much time for me, then that's my fault for reading or going upstairs. Argh!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/12/2017 00:28

Well the domestic arrangements suit him- you do the wife work and he puts in no minimal effort...

You go and he'll have to do his own wife work!!

Only you can decide whether you are happy to stay or not.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 00:42

God you're right, I do all the wife work without even being a wife, and he can't even be arsed to think of me at Christmas.

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 17/12/2017 02:31

and then he'll be nice and smile at me like he loves me and I'll feel like it must all be in my head?

Abusers don't abuse 24/7/365. The niceness is part of the cycle.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 08:16

Is the cycle just nice/nasty or is there more to it than that?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/12/2017 09:06

The cycle has many stages.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

Kualabear · 17/12/2017 09:11

Sign up for a life of joyless austerity - or get rid.

Aussiebean · 17/12/2017 09:30

Growing up, while we did Christmas, it was never particularly special. No traditions to look forward to, just presents.

My dh though grew up with a mother who went all out. He loves Christmas and has many traditions that he wants to do with our children.

I see the joy he gets out of it, and I join in. I don’t always get it, but that doesn’t matter. There is joy in our house. And that is worth a lot. Especially as I know what it is to grow up without it.

You have been together for just over a year. Already he has shown you how much your joy means to him (nothing). He will often make you feel horrible about yourself. Then be nice for a bit to keep you quiet.

You are worried about being lonely. But at least you won’t have someone there sucking the joy out. You will be able to create as much joy as you want while finding someone who cares about your joy.

Can you imagine how much joy you will have after 20yrs with this man?

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 09:59

Ok, so we've had a talk about how things aren't working out. He says he is going to work on himself but I have mentally given myself a cutoff date and if things haven't improved by then I'm out.

OP posts:
Chickenagain · 17/12/2017 10:05

I haven't read the whole thread, but given that he sounds so selfish, why not spend the money that you have saved up for christmas to go away for a few days? Family? Friends? Skiing holiday? Leave him to his own devices & celebrate with other Christmasites! Ho Ho Ho! Apologies if I have missed something crucial.

RandomMess · 17/12/2017 10:12

I agree about doing things you enjoy without him. After a Year together you should still be in the honeymoon stage - being kind and thoughtful for birthdays, occasions etc. Laughing at you for dressing up???

Don't waste your life Thanks

Chickenagain · 17/12/2017 10:12

Caught up a bit now. Please, please find a partner who adores you - especially in your early years together. Don't waste your life trying to earn a smile. Those bones are for dogs.

expatinscotland · 17/12/2017 10:17

'Ok, so we've had a talk about how things aren't working out. He says he is going to work on himself but I have mentally given myself a cutoff date and if things haven't improved by then I'm out.'

And this is exactly how cycle of abuse works. He will improve. For a bit. Then, gradually, he'll slip little bits in, like the birthday, or saying he'll do something and then not. Please read the links. Research 'red flags' on this board and read all the links.

He's classically emotionally abusive.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2017 10:31

Lila, if you've given yourself a 'date to quit' mentally then make sure that you are able to back that up practically. You needn't make a big thing of it but get your Plan B worked out so that IF (and more likely, WHEN) you realise that nothing has improved, you are ready to go.

Get your mind focused on that - home, job, money, support - so that you will at least have the comfort of knowing you have a viable plan ready to implement and you just have to simply follow steps A, B, C, etc. Believe me, you'll be glad of that when you finally are at rock bottom with this and can't see straight anymore... you'll be able to go to point A on your plan and work steadily through.

You'd feel a whole lot better if you could make the decision to end this now - or just after Christmas if you're hoping for a miracle - you could even end it on 'good terms', but just taking that action would do marvels for your self-esteem. I don't think you're ready to face that though, your 'had a talk' post tells me that.

I'd like to say 'Good Luck' to you but it would be more appropriate to say 'Lila, Wake UP' ... I'm sorry to be so blunt but however you feel now, you will feel worse when you're at the realisation that he doesn't love or want you at all.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 10:32

Yeah Random it was horrible wasn't it? and for wearing make up :( he hates me being attractive to other men. I know this is a red flag too, why do I feel like I can't leave??

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/12/2017 10:48

FOG - fear obligation guilt.

Make the practical plans you need to (return his gifts you'll need the £), once it's sorted just say "this isn't working for me" and run for the hills.

Your past is no reason to think you do not deserve to be loved, cherished and adored by a partner Thanks

expatinscotland · 17/12/2017 11:04

Please look into doing The Freedom Programme, too.

AFistfulOfDolores · 17/12/2017 11:04

You feel you can't leave, OP, because in some key ways his behaviour is familiar - it's what you know. Might it remind you of something from your past? Your own family, perhaps? We tend to stay with what we know, because that was how "love" was defined and demonstrated to us, even if it was totally fucked-up.

I've read through all your posts on this thread, and your partner is abusive, and he will not change. You, on the other hand, can - the most compelling reason for this being that you had enough insight to post here.

Please leave as soon as you can Flowers

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 17:48

Now he says he'll go to counselling 'when he can afford it' - this is more bullshit isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 17:49

I feel like he's suddenly being nice because he can sense I'm detaching.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 17/12/2017 17:59

That's exactly what he's doing lila, trouble is you're seeing it for what it is now and it won't work. A cut off point in your head and a practical plan are exactly what you need now, try not to let any of the other stuff cloud that for you Flowers