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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tis the season for unreason, apparently

206 replies

lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 10:54

So. DP isn't as 'into' Christmas as I am and fair enough not everyone loves it, but he's said something's recently that have made me quite sad. I was joking with him two weeks ago about having to hide his present so he wouldn't find it and he looked startled and said 'oh, I haven't got you anything' - I said 'you mean yet!' and laughed but he didn't laugh. Then last night we were talking about presents for family and he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year because of bills etc' - I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills and got presents for people and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights. He looks grumpy when I suggest a tree (the house is totally bare) and doesn't want any Christmas food. He grumps about it being materialistic and now I find myself feeling guilty for hoping for a gift from him. Am I being an unreasonable materialistic cow pressuring him into a holiday he doesn't like or is he being the ultimate Scrooge? I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 16/12/2017 14:04

I dont think ive ever said LTB on mn because i often dont think that should be the first response but in thiss case, hes a miserable bastard who uses things you veiw as important/nice to make you feel stupid. That is a man you should run 1000 miles from and not look back.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/12/2017 14:05

There are times on MN I think people see "red flags" where none exist or shout LTB over the most minor issues. This isn't one of those times! Op you seem to be with someone who doesn't see any reason to consider you or to make compromises. He actively belittles you ie the Christmas shit comment, sneering because you made an effort for your birthday. The 50/50 when he earns so much more may not be all that unusual as DPs pre children, not on its own at least but I can't afford gifts suggests he spends on himself and the possibility of buying you a Christmas gift didn't enter his head. Will that still apply if eg you were unemployed or on maternity leave or part time or a SAHM.

There are a lot of warning signs here IMO that you are with somebody who is certainly emotionally and financially selfish. You're at a stage where you can cut your losses and walk away OR you can allow your lives to become more entangled - mortgage, dc etc. What will he be like in say 5 years time when it's possibly a lot harder to leave? Will you be another woman who says "he was always a bit tight/grumpy/difficult but I thought when dc came along..."

I wonder what his parents relationship is like, do you know? Is his dad similar? Would you say his mum is treated with respect and consideration or does his dad make the rules?

IJustLostTheGame · 16/12/2017 14:05

He's just a twat.
It's not you it's him.
Pull a homemade cracker with him and let the motto be 'you're dumped. Merry christmas'

RemainOptimistic · 16/12/2017 14:06

Run OP, do you really think any woman deserves to be treated like this?

It's way too early in the relationship for any of this - the first year should be lovely and romantic - can you see it?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 14:08

In what way are you vulnerable that means you feel you can't get rid?

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 14:11

As to what gave me low self esteem when we met I was a recovering drug addict and in very early days, I was glad someone who seemed so amazing wanted to be with me. I think I am very hard work because of being in recovery it hadn't been plain sailing and I relapsed once for one night and he was very angry and disappointed. No one else would put up with me I think. I'm not sure being on my own wouldn't be better sometimes though :(

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 16/12/2017 14:13

Sorry OP but he sounds like a complete arse. Read back all your posts. What would you say to your best friend if she told you this was how her DP was treating her?

If I was you, I'd get Christmas out the way then make a plan to move on. No kids you're renting, it should be fairly straightforward. I can tell you from experience if you buy a house with this man and have kids, you're in for a really miserable time.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 14:14

'No one else would put up with me I think. I'm not sure being on my own wouldn't be better sometimes though sad'

That's complete bollocks! You've done a lot of work, you're in recovery every day, there are plenty of people who would see that as strength and something to be proud of.

This person is emotionally and financially abusive. Being on your own is always better than being in such a relationship.

coalit · 16/12/2017 14:16

I really don't like the sound of him, he's a crap boyfriend.

Where's the love and care?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 14:16

Abusive people target vulnerable people. Vulnerable people stay too long. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. Start making exit plans.

Evelynismyspyname · 16/12/2017 14:17

Congratulations on getting off drugs - just one relapse in a year, for one night and you didn't get sucked back in but got back on the wagon. You have a lot to be proud of!

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 16/12/2017 14:18

He sounds horrible and frankly his nasty attitude isn't going to do anything for your self esteem and recovery.

NettleTea · 16/12/2017 14:18

why are you paying 50/50 on all bills whenhe earns a lot more than you? Thats not fair.
He sounds as if he seriously begrudges putting his hand in his pocket for you
miserbale

ohfourfoxache · 16/12/2017 14:18

He doesn’t sound amazing at all.

You, on the other hand - being a recovering addict can’t be easy and yet you’re doing it, you’re living it. And I’m sure you’re not always easy to live with - but realistically, who IS always easy to live with?

Give yourself a break. He sounds like a prat.

AdalindSchade · 16/12/2017 14:21

Being on your own would be better than being with this prick.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/12/2017 14:23

lila please don't stay because you think you can't do better or because you "owe" him in some way. He only looked amazing to you because you were in a place where you we're judging yourself as being not amazing! If at this early stage in the relationship you already think being alone wouldn't be any worse then what does that tell you?

You deserve to be happy seriously, you're allowed Smile. You can leave and be single and happy, you can leave and eventually meet someone new and be happy. Those opportunities are there for you, believe me.

There seems little chance that you'll be happy if you stay though. Decorating and cooking Christmas dinner if I'm allowed, second guessing yourself when you think about dressing up for an occasion, feeling small and stupid because you think/say/do something different to what he thinks/says/does. Never feeling important enough to be made a fuss of, potentially not being able to afford the things he can afford (and him not giving a crap about that), it's not great is it?

ssd · 16/12/2017 14:25

agree 100% with expat, he's a dick, totally and utterly

Lethaldrizzle · 16/12/2017 14:27

He sounds awful. Yanbu

NinonDeLenclos · 16/12/2017 14:30

I don't know why you're telling yourself someone else wouldn't put up with you - it's not true. Who else would put up with him?

Gemini69 · 16/12/2017 14:31

Your DH sounds like a MISERABLE DICK .... I'm betting he's happy to receive gifts though right.... Xmas Hmm

Go buy yourself something incredible on his card.... and enjoy YOUR Christmas.... Xmas Grin

diddl · 16/12/2017 14:32

Oh, Op it all sounds awful. We don't really do gifts as we never know what to get, or might just get something the other needs rsther than nothing, but a tree and Christmas dinner-wouldn't occur to us not to do those.

He sounds deliberately cruel.

Ginslinger · 16/12/2017 14:38

I am not one for LTB but I think you can do much better for yourself than this man. You are doing so well with recovery and you don't need him to make you feel bad about yourself or question your choices. Please think of yourself.

Greyponcho · 16/12/2017 14:39

And what’s he like when it’s his birthday? What is his reaction to the effort you make for him?
To belittle you for dressing up nice for your birthday is the action of a tosser tbh. Does he bring any joy into your life or does he suck it all out?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/12/2017 14:40

Who else would put up with him?

Yes exactly! I mean AT BEST he's a miserable, tight arse, joy sucker. At WORST he's showing signs that he is a potential abuser. He's no catch by anyone's measure.

C0untDucku1a · 16/12/2017 14:45

Ignoring every other bit of belittling crap that comes out of his mouth about things that are important to you, this ‘if i am allowed’ is the deal breaker. Why the actual fuck should you have to ask permission?!

He has shown you in the first year that he is thoughtless.

You do not have the same priorities.

Throw him back and start looking again. You can find a person who is better suited to you. You do not have to make do.

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