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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tis the season for unreason, apparently

206 replies

lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 10:54

So. DP isn't as 'into' Christmas as I am and fair enough not everyone loves it, but he's said something's recently that have made me quite sad. I was joking with him two weeks ago about having to hide his present so he wouldn't find it and he looked startled and said 'oh, I haven't got you anything' - I said 'you mean yet!' and laughed but he didn't laugh. Then last night we were talking about presents for family and he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year because of bills etc' - I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills and got presents for people and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights. He looks grumpy when I suggest a tree (the house is totally bare) and doesn't want any Christmas food. He grumps about it being materialistic and now I find myself feeling guilty for hoping for a gift from him. Am I being an unreasonable materialistic cow pressuring him into a holiday he doesn't like or is he being the ultimate Scrooge? I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 16/12/2017 14:51

Fuck, he sounds HORRIBLE! What are you doing with him? Don't spend your one life with someone this selfish and joy-destroying!

You're working hard on your own recovery, don't sabotage that by being with someone who will only make you feel weaker and worse.

Next year you could be in your own place - or maybe even a home with a new DP (although it sounds as if some single time could help) - and you could make it so cosy and Christmassy...you could be really enjoying it. I hope so. Don't waste any more time OP.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 15:01

cantsleep his dad is fine but his mum is controlling.

OP posts:
CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 16/12/2017 15:17

Joining the chorus of LTB - it gets said a lot on here but this is one of those times where everyone is right. He’s a selfish and borderline abusive prick who belittles you at every opportunity. You’re in recovery from a drug addiction with only one relapse and yet instead of making you feel proud of his far you’ve come he’s belittled that too. Do you have any family you could spend Christmas with? Oh and return his undeserved gift and get yourself something nice instead. Since he refers to the house as his then leave him too it - dump him, move out and he can use that extra £500 he earns to be a selfish miserable sod by himself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2017 15:21

lila... Get rid. You're on a hiding to nothing. You have no children together, no stress to speak of (that you've posted about) and you're incompatible in your outlooks.

You will be very much sadder and wiser if you determine to stay with him because you can 'make him' perform. You will not be able to and he will resent you more than he already does. You don't sound much like a couple and one person alone cannot pull a relationship along.

I'll play the 'Ghost of Christmas Future' here and urge you with every fibre to take an unbiased stock of where you currently are now and take off those rose-coloured glasses...

I will pity your children if you ever have them together; not because of you but because of him. He will make their lives miserable - and yours too.

He doesn't want this; it may be you that he doesn't want also.

A year shrugged off is no waste as all if it stops you from investing even more time and effort into this miserable existence you have - and will continue to have - if you stay with him.

3luckystars · 16/12/2017 15:25

R U N

All those little jingley noises aren’t Christmas bells, they are alarm bells. Listen to your instincts here. You know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2017 15:27
  • think you can make him perform (you can't)
LakieLady · 16/12/2017 15:34

unless he's been recklessly spending and not telling me

I was wondering about this. If he earns a few hundred a month than you, and all the bills etc are split 50/50, I'd be asking myself wtf he's done with the rest of his money. That, coupled with him looking like a startled rabbit when you tried to discuss it, is ringing an alarm bell for me.

Unless he has an expensive a car on contract, gym membership, or pays for all the holidays/going out etc or has debts that he's paying off, I'd be asking him how come he's so skint tbh.

I'd be more concerned about his lack of openness about money than his attitude to Christmas, frankly.

gamerwidow · 16/12/2017 15:42

I'm not a peach to live with myself though so it's not all his fault. Says who? Because making out that his shitty behaviour is just a reaction to your behaviour is a classic abuse tactic

whereisteddy · 16/12/2017 15:42

I wouldn't be hanging round until the new year either. I'd finish it now rather than spend the time pretending to be enjoying myself; I'd rather be alone than stay.

LakieLady · 16/12/2017 15:49

Oh lordy, he's a shit and he doesn't deserve you. The birthday business was just awful and he doesn't sound like he cares in any meaningful way.

LTB, and if you're locked into that tenancy for a while, use that period to squirrel away as much as you can so you can get your own place or find a nice houseshare. Don't let it jeopardise your recovery though, maybe start going to NA or something similar so that you have a support system in place for when you separate.

He sounds like one of those shits who sniff out women who are a bit vulnerable and then make them even more vulnerable. Please don't be one of those women who start off vulnerable and end up broken.

jaseyraex · 16/12/2017 15:58

Get out while you can, OP. It's clear this is to do with more than just Christmas. You sound amazing, he does not. You're in recovery and only relapsed once, you should be damn proud of that! He should have been helpful and understanding, not angry and disappointed. You deserve someone much better than your current partner. Don't let yourself feel like you don't.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2017 16:10

I am doing all decorating/cooking/ etc if I am allowed

I can't believe nobody's picked up on this ... what do you mean allowed ??!! Hmm I'd say "isn't it your home too?" but then I see that he makes a point of calling it his as if you simply don't matter

PPs are correct that this isn't about the season and it isn't about occasional thoughtless behaviour either - it's deliberate and premeditated cruelty

ElephantsandTigers · 16/12/2017 16:10

Someone who loves you doesn't laugh AT you.

Get rid. Before Christmas. Return his gifts and spend the money on treats for yourself.

Lovemusic33 · 16/12/2017 16:10

LTB

I put up with my ex ‘not really doing christmas’ for 11 years. Christmas is so much more fun since I kicked him out. Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2017 16:15

Puzzled, it has been picked up. Other posters upthread have picked it up and bolded it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/12/2017 16:18

You’re really not selling this arse to anyone as a suitable partner. How much longer are you going to waste on him? You only get one life. And so what if you have a difficult past? A lot of people do. That doesn’t make you undesirable, that makes you strong and a fighter.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 16:31

He does have redeeming qualities though, he can be affectionate and funny and nice. When he is I remember why I'm with him, it's just not as often as I'd like.

OP posts:
NinonDeLenclos · 16/12/2017 16:35

It's a really bad idea to stick with a relationship with a bit of an arse because you think it's the best you can do.

ElephantsandTigers · 16/12/2017 16:38

Do the rare highs really make up for the many lows?

They shouldn't.

Emily7708 · 16/12/2017 16:38

Please get out of this relationship. He will destroy what’s left of your self esteem and suck all the joy out of your life. You need to learn to value yourself more and not just accept the shitty crumbs that this man is offering you. If he is like this after a year together can you imagine what he will become in the future?

SilverySurfer · 16/12/2017 16:41

Huge congrats on kicking the habit. Your DP sounds like a prize dick and you deserve better.

Motoko · 16/12/2017 17:31

Abusive people aren't abusive all the time. They do 'nice' sometimes to keep their victim hooked, because the victim then thinks "well, they can be nice, so if I try not to annoy them, maybe they'll be nice more often".

I'm betting he's nice to you when he deems you've been 'good'.

Please lila, please leave him. If you don't, he'll pull you down and I worry you'll end up relapsing because of him. I echo what everybody else says. Abusers tend to follow a script, and everything you've said about how he treats you is from that script. So the future can be predicted, and if you stay with him, you will be back here in 5 years time, with a couple of kids and no money, asking if you're BU to buy the children a few toys at christmas (because he won't buy any).

Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to?

Motoko · 16/12/2017 17:39

Oh, and the money? He might not be spending it, he could be putting it in savings. Men like this often have large savings accounts.

woofmiaowwoof · 16/12/2017 17:46

Sounds like a winner for him - he’s taking advantage financially and not even coughing up for the odd gift - I reckon part of your ongoing recovery should be dumping exploiters out of your life - at best, he’s miserable and joyless. Even if he makes a token effort it’ll be under sufferance. You deserve better than this. Your past didn’t mean you deserve a horrible bloke.

Fortheloveofdog · 16/12/2017 17:48

Lila, please don’t put up with this. It will make you very miserable. DH isn’t particularly fussed about Xmas or birthdays, but he realises that other people are bothered and he’s learnt to make an effort for others.
Does he show you he values you at any other times? You can do so much better than this guy, please don’t believe that nobody else would put up with you - that is how selfish men operate. You will be happy without him and you will meet someone who will make the effort because they love you.