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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tis the season for unreason, apparently

206 replies

lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 10:54

So. DP isn't as 'into' Christmas as I am and fair enough not everyone loves it, but he's said something's recently that have made me quite sad. I was joking with him two weeks ago about having to hide his present so he wouldn't find it and he looked startled and said 'oh, I haven't got you anything' - I said 'you mean yet!' and laughed but he didn't laugh. Then last night we were talking about presents for family and he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year because of bills etc' - I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills and got presents for people and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights. He looks grumpy when I suggest a tree (the house is totally bare) and doesn't want any Christmas food. He grumps about it being materialistic and now I find myself feeling guilty for hoping for a gift from him. Am I being an unreasonable materialistic cow pressuring him into a holiday he doesn't like or is he being the ultimate Scrooge? I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
Fortheloveofdog · 16/12/2017 17:49

Also, please ask for this to be moved to relationships? You can get a lot of support there to help you going forward.

woofmiaowwoof · 16/12/2017 17:49

Oh I agree - my dh isn’t into gifts or celebrations but he knows it’s expected and matters to me so he makes a fuss. In return, I don’t drag him to lots of social things he doesn’t want to go to.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 20:14

I don't think he is financially abusive, he gives me his half of the bills into my account without a fuss and hands over bills when they come so I can see/deal with them. I see the post and I know he's not hiding extra statements or anything.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 20:21

lila, that's not the point, he's 50/50ing you when you're not a flatmate and he outearns you significantly. Do you realise abusive people target vulnerable people like you?

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 20:35

I think I recognise that he has been abusive in the last but I don't know if he is anymore. He's much better with me, he's just generally a bit joyless.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 20:35

How do I ask for something to be moved to relationships?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 20:49

Report your own thread and ask for it to be moved.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 20:52

I think I recognise that he has been abusive in the last but I don't know if he is anymore. He's much better with me, he's just generally a bit joyless.

These people don't change. EVER. He hasn't got much better, you've conditioned yourself to work round his abusiveness, minimised, made excuses for him. He's still the same as ever, and he will not improve, in fact, he'll get worse. He's shaping you up, 'Oh, he's joyless, so no more Christmases for me.' 'Oh, he had to work late, so no being treated for dinner for my birthday/Vday' and then you learn not to even bring it up.

Please, read the emotional abuse threads in Relationships.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 20:58

Valentine's days did upset me I'll admit. He said two weeks previously that he was taking me out, then on the day he woke up to a card and gift and I got nothing, and he'd forgotten to book a table.

When I write this stuff down it does actually look grim.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/12/2017 21:01

God, why would you want to live with such a miserable bloke? You could have a lovely home on your own instead of living with this joy-sucking, life-sucking man.

ZaZathecat · 16/12/2017 21:43

But you've only been with him a year. Valentine's Day must have been a couple of months in and he was already neglecting you? What a catch!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 21:48

Forgot to book?! Oh come on, you aren't that gullible are you? He was unable to nip out to the shops at any point in the day to buy a card and gift either?

That is deliberate infliction of pain.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 21:53

Yep, just like the 'working late' after he'd told you he was taking you out for your birthday. Then you capitulated, okay, a takeaway, I don't mind (because he has already conditioned you to accept his shit), and he laughed at you for getting dressed up to go out, because he knew he was never going to take you anywhere. He's classically abusive. He's shaping you up.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 16/12/2017 21:59

Nothing further to add to all the good advice above, but Flowers for you op, and a huge well done on your recovery so far, you deserve someone way nicer who supports you when times are tough, not gets angry and drags you down.

Emily7708 · 16/12/2017 22:30

Even if he’s just generally a bit joyless as you say, you don’t need joyless people in your life. You are strong, you’ve made huge positive changes in your life. Now please ditch this awful man.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 22:31

I'm in tears now because when I think about everything as separate incidents I can excuse it but when I think about it all together I get kind of overwhelmed. And the thing is I've spent so much of my life alone already, I get that people are well meaning when they say I could have a nice place on my own but I don't know if I could stand the loneliness.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 16/12/2017 22:36

your living with loneliness right now Lady Flowers

Gemini69 · 16/12/2017 22:36
  • you're
Haffiana · 16/12/2017 22:37

See, the thing is OP, whether or not he 'does' presents, whether or not he 'is into' Christmas or special occasions, he has a PARTNER who would enjoy these things.

A normal man would enjoy making his partner happy because he knows that she would like to fussed over, and he would get her a present because it is important to her. Similarly he would be considerate of her financial situation. He wouldn't have to change his attitude to Christmas or whatever, but he would acknowledge that his partner feels differently and meet that -at least - halfway. You are bending over backwards to try to accept his point of view but he is not doing the same for you.

I think, deep down, he loves money more than you. Perhaps that is a bit like an addiction...

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 22:39

You are living with both the loneliness and his abuse.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 22:43

I honestly don't think he loves money, he doesn't check his account much and just hands over the bill money I ask for. It's more like he's just thoughtless. I'm not saying that's any better just money doesn't actually seems to come up much, which is why I was surprised it was his excuse for no Christmas things

OP posts:
saladdays66 · 16/12/2017 22:45

You’re being lonely and being abused.

I’m so sorry. He’s an abusive arse - financially, emotionally, every way.

Honey, you deserve so much more.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 22:47

It doesn't matter, lila, what matters is that he treats you like shit. Abusers work like this, they're nice sometimes, or they improve their behaviour in some ways for a bit and they push boundaries - like Vday, your birthday and now Xmas - so once they know you'll put up with it, they can carry on.

He's NOT thoughtless. He is doing this deliberately.

Really hope you open your eyes.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 23:44

When I put it all together it fells like a drip-drip kind of awful rather than everything being awful all the time, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 16/12/2017 23:49

Yes it does make sense. Absolutely.

Hopefully this thread is the start of a new life for you. Best wishes to you.

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