Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tis the season for unreason, apparently

206 replies

lilathewerewolf · 16/12/2017 10:54

So. DP isn't as 'into' Christmas as I am and fair enough not everyone loves it, but he's said something's recently that have made me quite sad. I was joking with him two weeks ago about having to hide his present so he wouldn't find it and he looked startled and said 'oh, I haven't got you anything' - I said 'you mean yet!' and laughed but he didn't laugh. Then last night we were talking about presents for family and he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year because of bills etc' - I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills and got presents for people and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights. He looks grumpy when I suggest a tree (the house is totally bare) and doesn't want any Christmas food. He grumps about it being materialistic and now I find myself feeling guilty for hoping for a gift from him. Am I being an unreasonable materialistic cow pressuring him into a holiday he doesn't like or is he being the ultimate Scrooge? I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/12/2017 19:27

He's not even being properly nice. I mean, he will go to counselling when he can afford it. Didn't this thread start off with you pointing out he earns several hundred pounds more than you a month? He could afford it tomorrow if he was actually bothered.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/12/2017 19:27

How would you leave?

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 17/12/2017 19:36

i don't drive so the practicality of getting out would be harder but I don't own much tbh. I have a little money I can use to get out and stay somewhere for a while even if just with friends while I look for another job. Would not be able to continue working where I am.

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 17/12/2017 20:04

Can I make a few suggestions? Can you write yourself a few lists (can be on paper / email / on here - just make sure he can’t access them).
List 1 - practical things to take care of to be able to get out - finances / tenancy / new place / making sure you have support for your recovery while you leave).
List 2 - The occasions he’s made you feel bad. It’ll be painful but will help you to stay strong when he puts on his Mr Nice act and you start to doubt what you’re doing.
List 3 - what you would like from a relationship. Can be basics like respect / affection / fun and silly things like lying in bed late together on a Sunday morning / having someone who cooks you breakfast.

Use these lists as something to give you strength and keep you focused. You absolutely deserve better, and I think it says a lot that this relationship started when you were vulnerable - he's taking advantage of you and he's already had such an impact that you're questioning your own thoughts and feelings.

I would also like to add something about my DH. I’m not saying it to hurt, but to give you an example. My DH doesn’t like Christmas, the commercialism annoys him, he has no traditions, doesn’t really want presents and only enjoys having a turkey dinner if he can cook it himself BUT for me, he gets the decorations down from the attic, puts the fairy lights up because I’m too short, he buys me gifts and only very quietly moans about watching Elf / listening to Heart Christmas. He doesn’t enjoy it but he wants me to enjoy it, and that’s how it’s supposed to work.

CommanderDaisy · 17/12/2017 20:08

Being a recovering drug addict does not mean you have to accept all shit that is thrown your way. Your past is exactly that. If you feel you constantly must apologise for your history you won't get very far. Own it and learn.
You should be proud that you are in recovery, proud that you come through the other side of addiction. Do not ever feel you need to apologise or accept crap because of what you were. The lessons you will have learnt while you were an addict and after are invaluable - they will serve to ultimately make you a very empathetic, wise individual a few years down the track should you remain clean.

Remember that.

SmokeintheR00m · 17/12/2017 20:34

I would suggest that you buy something for yourself for Christmas like some chocolates, some toiletries, some make up or something else that you can enjoy just for yourself. This man is not very kind to you. Make firm plans to leave and start a new life in the new year.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/12/2017 23:01

Could you get the new job before you separate?

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 18/12/2017 08:19

I have some part time work I could survive off at first, I'd just have to fine another one around March.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 18/12/2017 09:56

Sigh...he's just asked me to choose something I like and he'll pay for it, apparently 'all men do that'.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2017 10:11

Pick something that will help you leave!

Aussiebean · 18/12/2017 10:13

Ask for cash

rainbowskittles · 18/12/2017 10:14

I actually feel really sad for you reading this. Please leave, he is horrid.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/12/2017 11:00

Lila... you know all the answers - the main one being how this man makes you feel. I feel desperately sorry for you but until realisation dawns, nothing that anybody says is going to help you.

Nobody on this thread thinks you should stay with this man. Not a one. But it's your life to throw away on a man who doesn't love you, if you choose.

NettleTea · 18/12/2017 11:34

I think its time for the seasonal reminder of this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles
and please read through the pinned poste at the head of this forum

you should be proud of yourself for beating addiction - many dont.

also see if you can find a Freedom Programme to do, locally or online. Most addictions spring from something missing in childhood and picking up bad ideas about relationships from them. Many who have dysfunctional relationships end up on the stately homes thread, so possibly a look through there too might help

ICESTAR · 18/12/2017 13:53

Well done op. You are wising up to him. He is throwing you crumbs to make you stay and that is all it is. Crumbs. You are worth the whole cake remember that!

StormTreader · 18/12/2017 14:02

"Sigh...he's just asked me to choose something I like and he'll pay for it, apparently 'all men do that'."

I'd like "a boyfriend who actually gives a shit about whether IM happy, not just whether I make HIM happy, thanks."

fairytaleof2017 · 18/12/2017 14:05

well my DH doesn't - despite not wanting any gifts himself and not really being a christmas person, he does a proper trawl of my favourite shops to find stuff i like.

My Dad asks his DDs to help buy my mum stuff she'll like, and goes to great efforts to surprise her - he hates Christmas himself, and isn't interested in gifts. Christmas is about showing love and kindness - not begrudgingly handing over a bit of cash.

You know in your heart he's a wanker op - you've beaten drugs. You can kick this guy out and find a better one in 2018.

fairytaleof2017 · 18/12/2017 14:06

he's probably totted up how much worse off he'd be if you left op, and has decided he can afford a gift budget!

Motoko · 18/12/2017 15:18

My husband asks for a list, but he also likes to buy me things he's seen that he thinks I'll like.
He knows me well, so there has only been one present that he got 'wrong', and I think that was just from a misunderstanding.

The thing with your partner, is that he wasn't going to bother to get you a gift, and is now asking what you want because you've kicked up a fuss (in his eyes) so he'd better get you something to shut you up. But he doesn't care enough about you to want to put any effort into buying it. He'll just order it from Amazon, and click on the gift wrapped option, so he doesn't have to traipse around the shops and spend time wrapping it.

ElephantsandTigers · 18/12/2017 17:12

No,some men will ask their wives/partners what they want for Christmas but many many more actually know who they are sleeping with well enough to know what they would like.

Your best present to yourself would be to accept and believe you deserve the whole cake and get the fuck away from this dickhead.

Also, delete your history.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 18/12/2017 18:42

Why delete elephants?

OP posts:
ElephantsandTigers · 18/12/2017 19:18

Because if he finds this thread he might get nasty.

Original poster
lilathewerewolf · 19/12/2017 13:56

Still on the 'aibu' wagon here, today we had limited water as pressure has been adjusted, meaning shower didn't get hot for ages. He stared swearing and shouting about it and when I said 'don't take it out on me' he got hurt and said he was just venting and that venting 'isn't taking something out on you' despite how it makes me feel. I get that people have to vent about things but it makes me feel distant and annoyed when he does it. Am I overreacting to the venting? I shouldn't have made it personal as it wasn't actually about me?

OP posts:
Debbierocket123 · 19/12/2017 14:06

Try talking to him about what Christmas means to you and how it makes you feel when he behaves this way. Don't get upset with his response. Another nice idea, which my partner and I have done previously, is to avoid the materialistic side of Christmas and get each other the gift of "experiences" for example cooking a romantic home-cooked meal or a day out. The surprise can be what you think of for each other and this celebrates the gift of love and company rather than simply buying more STUFF. Tell him it's about family and spend the day with them. Hope this helps.

CousinKrispy · 19/12/2017 14:08

I don't think you're overreacting. Being around an adult who is swearing and shouting and throwing a tantrum is very stressful (for many of us) and it's perfectly reasonable to point out that it's upsetting you. But he is an abuser, so he will never take responsibility for that--he will blame it on you, minimize it, make you sound like you're crazy or wrong for objecting. That is how he operates.

Could you call Women's Aid to have a chat? Do you have any friends and family you could talk to? Would you be able to access any counselling? it is very hard to leave an abusive partner, partly because of that Fear Obligation Guilt thing mentioned above. But you can do it--step by step.

HandbagCrazy had some great suggestions. Do you have a safe place (at work?) where you could keep your written lists of things to sort and a diary of his jerkoff behavior? That will help you get perspective on it.