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Original poster

My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

353 replies

Evelyn29 · 28/11/2017 12:21

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

OP posts:
swingofthings · 28/11/2017 12:26

Same old issues. Many people watch porn, women included. It doesn't mean they don't love or don't find their partner attractive. As a matter of fact, it's probably because he finds you incredibly sexy that he has sex on his mind all the time leading him to watching porn.

Sounds like you need to talk about it, but please don't make him feel that he is wrong, or dirty for doing it.

TheNaze73 · 28/11/2017 12:27

It doesn’t seem logical but, I vaguely remember reading a report that in the USA, two thirds of all men regularly use porn, so in answer to your question a lot do but, not all.
You can’t argue a feeling & if it upsets you, you need to have it out with him.

Pancetta76 · 28/11/2017 12:28

It's nothing to do with you or your relationship. In short :) it's not weird, it's perfectly normal

hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2017 12:30

As long as it's only occasionally it seems to be OK.
It's when they become addicted and it impacts on your sex life that it becomes an issue.
But if it's affecting your self-esteem then it's impacting on your life.
And that's not OK!

InternetHoopJumper · 28/11/2017 13:09

I have no doubt he is getting his ideas from porn. It would also not surprise me if he will eventually try to get you to watch it with him, to get you used to the idea of the things he wants to do. They may not be to your liking. He would also slowly try to get you used to the more hardcore stuff. It's a common thing, unfortunately, that porn-sick men engage in.

If you want to get an idea of what he is up to, check out some lectures by Gale Dines on Youtube or watch The Price of Pleasure. Be adviced though, the lectures and the documentary are extremely unsettling.

The majority of men watch porn. They think it's normal. Personally I think it's disgusting and would be an abolsute dealbreaker for me, especially since most of the popular porn films include violence, racism, rape-scenarios and misogyny.

Offred · 28/11/2017 13:11

What naze said.

It doesn’t matter how other people feel, you won’t get answers about what he is feeling or thinking by asking others. You need to work out what it is you are feeling about it and talk to him.

The thing that would worry me out of what you said is the trying things out that he has seen in porn. MS porn is mostly exclusively focused on male domination of women, is not even adequately concerned with female pleasure or even consent and though many will say ‘it’s just fantasy’ as an excuse, obviously if he is wanting to act out porn scenes that is starting to drive his RL understanding of sex and his sexual appetites and is not ‘just fantasy’.

Pornography use is associated with RL sexual violence in research, also it is associated with poor sexual satisfaction in female partners.

It’s up to you to decide how you feel and why though, not your partner and not other people on MN (who tend to be very binary in ‘stop controlling his sexuality, men just need porn, it’s just fantasy’ or ‘porn use is a dealbreaker’ responses).

Threads about porn usually result in bunfights about each person’s individual feelings and boundaries IME and not so much good advice (like naze’s) for OPs.

user1480334601 · 28/11/2017 13:12

Its not "normal" to watch videos of other people fucking it's been "normalised" by quite alot of people. I personally see it as cheating as what's the difference between your partner receiving a sexy strip tease from someone in real life or lusting after somone on film.

Tell him clearly you're not OK with it and if he respects you he'll stop.

Itsgonnabeacoldone · 28/11/2017 13:14

So basically he lied and watches porn. You've got two issues there.

Porn is 99% absuse and awful voient behaviour towards women. I couldn't be with someone like that.

MarthaArthur · 28/11/2017 13:15

Porn and all its depictions habe been around for millenia its not going to go away. Personally i think its weird you know what he is wanking to. Thats private and for him only he doesnt have to justify it to you.

Pinkpillows · 28/11/2017 14:52

A lot of MN users have standards on the floor, self esteem even lower

I say have it out with him, he'll either respect you or he won't do what feels right for you and not others opinions

I often wonder are men so laid back about their wives girlfriends watching it?

HostaFireAndIce · 28/11/2017 14:56

If he works and you're having sex every night, and presumably living together, when does he find the time? I'm not just being flippant - it's a serious question!

Animation86 · 28/11/2017 16:10

You need to work out what it is you are feeling about it and talk to him.

Spot on.

I mean this would be my expectation:
if I watched porn and my husband felt inferior (I can imagine he would but I dont) I would explain why I enjoy it and why its no bearing on him or our relationship.

If he was still uncomfortable then I wouldnt continue, because, well...its not the end of the world, why would I continue doing something that would upset someone when its no big deal.

mogratpineapple · 28/11/2017 21:30

For me the issue would be that he lied about it. I just can't stand lies, they leave you wondering what else they lie about.

As for porn, people are divided. If it's something to be shared and makes your relationship better, then great. If it doesn't work - give it a go, discuss it - it doesn't work.

It could be he lied because he is embarrassed or ashamed about it and doesn't lie about anything else. But you must sit down and talk it over.

MiniTheMinx · 28/11/2017 22:47

Try going brunette, you never know might stop him!

Trust me, it's not you, it's him. Wouldn't matter if you looked like the back end of a bus, or a super model. Although I'm inclined to think the porn crazed might like something resembling a plastic doll. Whatever though how you look and what he does are not linked.

Don't prostitute yourself thinking you have to compete for his sexual attention. Unless you want to be tripping over your self-esteem.

Just make it a non negotiable deal breaker and be prepared for lies, decieving and if you get anywhere near stopping his habit....shame.
At that point though porn hounds look quite pathetic.

If it's a fairly new relationship, I'd cut my losses now.

Nancy91 · 28/11/2017 22:59

Same question as hosta - where does he find the time?! Does he get a 15 minute wank break at work?

swingofthings · 29/11/2017 08:34

Tell him clearly you're not OK with it and if he respects you he'll stop
Or he might tell her that if she respects him, she will let him do what he wants in his privacy.

This is very much a case of different views on one matter, not one is right and the other is wrong. Making demands on the basis of your own views is controlling.

MiniTheMinx · 29/11/2017 08:58

Swing seems to think there no facts, no moral facts, no absolutes, it's all relative and subjective? What if I were to say that in my opinion it's ok to kill people? I suspect you'd try to make a half arsed attempt at making a morally absolute argument using relative subjective opinion, as do most people! Well those arguments always collapse. I mean, Swing do you trust science? Are any facts incontrovertible? I suspect you do, so what's wrong with trying to establish moral or ethical truths with the issue of porn? Do you just like watching so much that all sense of logic flies out the window?

Nancy91 · 29/11/2017 09:51

I wouldn't say there are any "moral facts" mini, no. Everyone has different morals. Clearly.

Offred · 29/11/2017 10:11

I think what mini means is that there are objective standards re morality which are informed by scientific enquiry, general common sense re what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’ and harm/benefit analysis...

The wording ‘moral facts’ was just clumsy.

onlyconnectfour · 29/11/2017 10:17

We love porn - we use it on our own, we use it together.
One adult telling another what they can or can't watch is controlling and abusive. Leave the poor sod alone. Oh, and if you " ban" him he'll just nod and go off and do it anyway.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 29/11/2017 11:08

The lying would be the most worrying part for me. Lying destroys trust and without trust there's no relationship.

mindutopia · 29/11/2017 11:29

Did you have the conversation when you first started dating that you are uncomfortable with porn and don't want him watching it if you are going to be together? If not, you can't be upset about it. Personally, I don't have a problem with porn and I know people who've worked in the porn industry (and it is most certainly not all exploitative, though no doubt like anything else, including working a shit retail job at Asda, there are companies and situations that are exploitative). That's beside the point though. You absolutely are within your rights to be uncomfortable with it if that's what you are. But most people do watch porn and if you want a relationship only with someone who doesn't then you need to make that explicit from the start, giving people the chance to move on if that's not something they are happy with. Beyond that, it's a private behaviour and I think most people would be uncomfortable being quizzed about it, so no doubt he lied about it because he felt uncomfortable talking about it. He should have been open with you, but likely he didn't want to make you feel upset or to have such a private conversation with you (especially if you haven't been together that long). But that said, watching porn doesn't mean he's dissatisfied with your relationship or your sex life. But I think if this is really going to be a sticking point, then you need to let him know it's a deal breaker and give him the chance to move on if you aren't compatible on this.

PickAChew · 29/11/2017 11:32

it doesn't matter what is normal. If you don't like it and he's not likely to stop it, then you don't have to stick around and put up with it.

Belleende · 29/11/2017 12:58

In the same boat here. Just found my ohs browsing history. I suspected he used porn occasionally, but the history I saw suggests substantially more than this. I feel sick at some of what I saw, and I only looked at the URLs not the images, except the one I stumbled on.

How do I figure out how I feel about porn then? I struggle to reconcile the man I know with the one who gets excited over the type of images he clearly does. And I don't know if I can separate his relationship with those images from his relationship with me.

What if I am ok with some stuff but not others. Is it an all or nothing thing or can boundaries be applied?

How do I handle this, a newborn and a toddler who is struggling and lots of visitors coming to see the baby?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkk

Sorry for the hijack

TammySwansonTwo · 29/11/2017 15:00

This is all about male entitlement.

Porn is there and many of them want to watch it. We've gotten ourselves into a situation where even questioning whether this is a reasonable thing to do when you're in a monogamous relationship with someone is treated by some as controlling behaviour. Just take a step back from that for a second and consider it.

It's perfectly normal to have a problem with this. Men do not need porn unless they're addicted, just as people might like a drink but don't need to have alcohol unless they're addicted. Certainly if you love someone who has a serious problem with it, hurting them should be more than enough of a reason to stop unless you can't. I would never do something my husband found that hurtful.

I have a serious issue with the way that porn has gradually become acceptable in the mainstream, and that's not even getting into the way it affects male view of women and of sexuality in general.

If you've ever been in a relationship with a porn addict, you'll know how damaging it is to intimate relationships, so it's even more galling to see it characterised as a bit of fun.