My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

[Evelyn29]

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

He shouldn't be lying about it (that's the issue here) but there's no problem with him watching porn.

DH and I have sex every couple of days, but I regularly watch porn and have my own private sessions. It doesn't affect how I see DH in any way, shape or form.

Sounds like he just has a high sex drive.

there's no problem with him watching porn

Except there is, because it upsets his partner. May not be a problem for you, that's your prerogative

I am baffled by the concept anyone feels they have a right to know and dictate what another person uses to masterbate too. Thats the controlling behaviour here.

And that's how normalised it is.

Men either watch porn or they don't. To the ones that do, it is like crack cocaine to their brains. If you confront them, they don't quit watching it, they just hide it better.

MarthaArthur is right. It's not acceptable to try and control what people wish to masturbate to.

It's normalised because it is normal.

To the ones that do, it is like crack cocaine to their brains.

Well that's bullshit.

I'm a woman who regularly watches porn and has regular sex with my DH, and porn isn't even remotely close to being "like crack cocaine to my brain".

this is all about male entitlement

What?!

Men watch porn because they can. Because they want to. Because it’s there. Because they can watch whatever the hell they like. Not because they feel entitled to it. What happens when women watch it?? Is it suddenly “female sexuality empowerment”? Because I’d be very surprised if you still labelled it “female entitlement”.

we've gotten ourselves into a situation where even questioning whether this is a reasonable thing to do when you're in a monogamous relationship with someone is treated by some as controlling behaviour

But it IS controlling behaviour! A woman telling a man he can’t wank to porn is trying to control what he does with his own body and trying to control what he watches. If a man came on here and posted a thread saying he was upset because his girlfriend had been pleasuring herself to porn or something similar and wanted her to stop he’d be bashed to hell and labelled controlling!

The problem isn’t the man watching porn. If he has an addiction to porn then yes, there’s the problem. But in circumstances like this, him watching porn isn’t the problem. The problem is the girlfriend not liking it for the reasons she stated - She makes it known she thinks he shouldn’t watch it because she should be enough for him, because they have sex almost daily and she wears nice underwear for him - which is great! But expecting him to not have a wank over porn because she does all that is the real issue here - OP it doesn’t matter how much you have sex how often you wear nice underwear etc your partner is always going to find other women attractive, he’s always going to want time to himself to have a wank. And ya know what? THATS OKAY! Because as you made clear it obviously isn’t affecting your sex life. So where’s the problem??

My partner and I have sex almost daily yet I still like time to myself and quite often that time to myself involves porn (I’m a woman btw) and the same for him. I would only ever question things if he started rejecting me for porn. I don’t have a problem if he suggested something because he’d seen it on porn - what’s the difference between seeing it on porn or reading about it on the internet? It’s only a suggestion.

You’re entitled to dislike porn. You’re not entitled to expect him to stop watching it simply because of jealousy because that’s what it boils down to

No, you think it's normal because it's normalised.'

Nothing normal whatsoever about an entire industry devoted to creating explicit videos of women being fucked and, in most cases exploited at best, for men's gratification. Nothing normal about the effect of this either.

News flash: human beings afe perfectly capable of masturbating without porn. Just because it's now accessible in large quantities doesn't mean they're inextricably linked.

And if you think porn is as much about / for women as it is men, you're utterly delusional.

Tammy, what is so wrong with it? And why is it for 'male gratification' when more than one woman on this thread say they watch too?

Porn has been going on for millenia. Cave drawings depict it. Watching someone elses sex triggers arousal in men and womens brains in the same way. Porn is not abnormal (well a lot of it is disgusting and harmful but we are not discussing that.) As for the concept of a man being controlling because he watches it wtf thats a new insane take.

*Well that's bullshit.

I'm a woman who regularly watches porn and has regular sex with my DH, and porn isn't even remotely close to being "like crack cocaine to my brain".*

Right. You're a WOMAN. Men's brains are wired differently and respond differently to porn. It's scientific. Not bullshit. Google it.

"Tammy, what is so wrong with it?"

Well, for starters, the fact that much of it is made by exploited and often trafficked women, and the increasing "pornification " of society is damaging to the way young people think abou sex.......

You're so right. Cave drawings of tits and explicit videos of anal sex and facials are precisely the same thing.

Again, the fact that a small proportion of women choose to watch porn does not equate to the porn industry being as much for women as it is for men. Have you seen much hardcore porn? Have you seen the way women are treated and depicted in even the most mainstream offerings?

It’s normalised because a lot of things have, since Victorian times....

Let’s remind ourselves of those -

• sex for enjoyment, rather than procreation
• sex in other ways, than missionary (albeit in some states, some positions are still illegal)
• sex before marriage
• sex with the same sex partner
• female orgasm (doesn’t make us crazy or nimphomaniacs)
• masturbarion itself - apparently it doesn’t lead to brain slowly leaking out....

So - like many people said - OP’s fiancé is not addicted. They have normal and heathy sex life.
She feels insecure and down about it - but like irrational jealousy - say worrying if he’ll find someone attractive at a Xmas party - so like these irrational thoughts are mostly a confidence problem - I do hope OP will get stronger and learns to deal with those feelings.
(And yes - he’ll see women he’ll find attractive at that party. And - probably every day.
And chooses to come home to the OP. Day after day)

We live in a society where for the most part is completely unacceptable for someone to physically cheat, but perfectly acceptable to frequently watch a variety of women being fucked (often in degrading and dehumanising ways), but I'm the weirdo for seeing that this is utter hypocrisy?

Sure, fine. Whatever.

Chippyway is 100% correct. Everyone's going on about not telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies - the same applies to men.

Again, the fact that a small proportion of women choose to watch porn

It isn't only a small proportion of women, though. Studies have shown that over half of women regularly watch porn, and that's just the ones that admitted to it.

Have you seen much hardcore porn?

Yep, I've seen lots of it. I've seen pretty much everything, and that includes the way men are treated in hardcore femdom videos, but I don't see anyone up in arms about that.

"Chippyway is 100% correct. Everyone's going on about not telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies - the same applies to men."

You don't think the people making porn are telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies???????

Quite the strawman argument you've got there. Let's not get into niche fetish pornography, which is what that would be classed as, since that's a whole other argument. If you've seen "pretty much everything" then you should know exactly how malecentric and misogynistic the industry is.

If women all suddenly started watching porn with the same frequency as men and suggested pegging as a regular part of sex, I think attitudes would start to shift dramatically.

As for the OP, clearly porn is important / essential enough for him to lie about using it and continue using it despite this causing his partner pain. He'd be flamed if he were having sex with other women, but watching them do so is apparently fine.

Tammy - you do know it’s not real, right?
Like murder is not legal. Yet people get killed in movies frequently.
Paid actors act it out.

And not all of it is what you call dehumanising and women being degraded. Plenty of amateurs posting their own consensual stuff.

Look - you may find it gross. Sure. And we all have our own boundaries of what we find gross.

I think it's pretty real to the women who've been trafficked, or suffering from anal injuries and faecal incontinence, or those who ended up with HIV after the outbreak, or the women addicted to drugs as it's the only way they can get through their work. There's no way you can compare it to someone being murdered in a film, unless that actor is also shot for the sake of realism - unless you think it's mimed sex?

This isn't about it being gross. It's about a lot more than that.

I've been involved in some research on plrn use. Its extremely misogynist and the free access by teens is a real worry. Bukakke- yeah, it's all about the woman. I've had to talk to my DD about things my own mum couldn't probably imagined in her worst nightmares. And I don't agree with the argument that's it's controlling to say what people can want off to. What if it was beastality or children? Would that still be Ok? A will glance on the free websites shows incest, schoolgirl/ teacher etc is rife.

Tammy - so - just to be clear, of all porn was amature and consensual exhibitionist posted it - would that be Ok?