My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

[Evelyn29]

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

There's stuff I've seen (through the research study) that makes me honestly want to weep for our youngsters, esp DDs who will be dating boys whom 99% of will have watched and been desensitized to. It causes great harm to the women involved end of.

I think what OP doesn’t like is someone saying it’s no big deal and then clearly using it rather frequently. At the end of the day it’s like any other behaviour if the OP doesn’t feel comfortable about the amount , or the content, call it controlling if you like but the fact remains for many women it can change how you feel about your partner and sex , just the same as you might feel living with a borderline alcoholic or a bit of a gambler. It can also give expectations of certain practices now being the norm , when to be honest many (not all but a lot!) Of women would hate it, jacking off on your face and anal etc !!

Actually Josuk, I would have more of a big issue with the amateur stuff, especially knowing someone whose partner filmed stuff without her consent .

Yet more - and Tammy - i’ll try again-
How about -
Consensual posting of amature willing participants? All adults, all wanting to share it with the world.

What moral argument do you have against that?
(Posting, as no one can force anyone to watch)

TammySwansonTwo The fact that you think pegging is niche tells me you don't have a clue what the fuck you're talking about, so I can safely disregard your comments.

I wouldn’t have an issue morally but again for me it comes down to how often etc and if you are both ok about it and it’s up front. There is nothing worse than someone saying they really aren’t that fussed and being at it all the time secretly

I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy.

Op I do hope that you are doing all that because you want to and ENJOYS doing it. And not for him or because you think you should to be able To keep him (because if things aren’t spicy enough then you won’t be enough and he will leave you).

Re porn. It doesn’t matter if 2/3 of men watch Porn.
What matters is what is important for you and if Porn is a no go area for you, then it is.
The fact he has been lying to you makes me think he knows you aren’t keen about it. Thee is a lot of disrespect with doing th8ngs that you know are a red line for your partner tbh.

And yes he is probably getting his ideas from watch7ng Porn. Again, please tell me you aren’t say8ng yes just to keep him happy.

"ammy - so - just to be clear, of all porn was amature and consensual exhibitionist posted it - would that be Ok?"

Well, if there was some way of ensuring that, and that it was viewed by over 18s only.......

I don't think you should tell him what to do, I think you should leave him and spend a bit of time working on your self confidence. He isn't likely to stop using it and if it bothers you, you should leave before your self esteem is damaged any more.

Now we are getting somewhere. Morally clean porn (see above for definition) - is fine. And adults are free to consume it - provided they don’t live in Saudi Arabia or something.

However - OP’s issue is not with the morality of the porn consumed by her 18+ husband.
It’s insecurity - and why am I not enough.
And that - is something she needs to work on. Like all insecurities - dealing with it starts from self esteem.

Of course, you're right again. The majority of women are definitely watching pegging videos, coercing their male partners to participate, and implying they're upright / prudish if they don't wish to do so.

I didn't actually say pegging is niche, but in terms of the majority of sexual relationships between men and women, it's not commonplace. That's beside the point though. Men who consume vast amounts of porn would mostly be displeased if the tables were turned - that was my point.

If all porn were amateur, there'd still be no way to know that all participants were willing. So no. And even then, that's not the issue here is it? It's men's entitlement to as much porn as they want, regardless of the impact on their partner.

you do know it’s not real, right?

Hahaha
Sorry but if you think that all the porn yu watch isn’t real but just like actors from a ‘normal’ film then you are deluded.
And I would also advise you to watch a Bit more carefully the face of the women, their attitude etc...
Some of those films, it’s clear that these women are acting.
Some of those are just plain bored by it.
But a not so small number of them, these women are hurt. They are doing things they really don’t want to but do them because they have no choice. Just LOOK rather than watching and getting sexually excited and you will see. It’s blatant. Actually it is so blatant that I can sometimes find BDSM Porn less scary than normal porn.

And then there is another issue.
Porn is making some practices look like normal as if all women should want to do that. Think about anal, slapping a woman during sex, some type of underwear (see the 50 shades of grey too) etc etc.
The issue I have is that men then expect women to say yes to that. Because otherwise they are frigid of course.
And that is not right at all. THEY seem to forget it’s all filming and acting and that it has nothing to do with reality.....

"Tammy - you do know it’s not real, right?
Like murder is not legal. Yet people get killed in movies frequently.
Paid actors act it out."

So it's all mime? A sort of pornogrphic interperative dance? What a relief.................

Josuk
Or that’s because she has been living in a society where men have to kept happy with the woman always ensuring that they are keeping them sexually satisfied. A society where sending explicit photos is normal etc etc.
Maybe that has nothing to do with the OP and her self esteem (even though you can easily see why her self esteem would be destroyed in those circumstances). Maybe it has everything to do with the fact that women aren’t allowed NOT to want what women and men get up to in porn, NOT to want to send sexual photos, NOT to want to wear lingery to keep her ‘man’ satisfied etc....

And that that sort of thinking is heavily linked with the access to Porn (and inetrenet that allows people to send photos and films as they want). See for example too how guys find it normal to send dick pics on dating sites too.

In my current work I am occasionally involved in discussions of sex with teenagers, or professionals discussing safeguarding of at-risk teenagers. The sexual activities forced on to teenage girls, by boys and by societal attitudes to porn, are downright horrifying. If you know anyone who works with teenagers in this area, ask them. When I was 14/15 I wasn't having to worry about dick pics, anal sex (teenage girls presenting with anal injuries is becoming increasingly common), being spat on / at during sex, having some porned-up boy ejaculating in my face. These are the first sexual experiences for some of these girls and many are, rightly, frightened of men and of sex as a result. So don't tell me porn is harmless when I frequently see the harm it does - and that's not even getting into the more subtle and acceptable messages that over consumption of porn by society sends to young women about their role in sex.

Tammy - what you say is valid and an issue the society need to adapt to - especially for teenagers.
And here it is especially important to work on self esteem and boundaries. Exactly in that vulnerable age.

However - projecting that into the adult world - and arguing that there is no way of consuming porn in a controlled and not so damaging ways - it’s way too simplistic.

And - declaring porn an anathema - is just unrealistic. It is here. It is accessible and is not going away.
Many normal and heathy adults use it without any damage to their physical or mental well being.
Or to their relationships.

And Raging - I don’t know what world you live in - me and my friends live in the world where women can want (or not want) various kinds of sex (including anal); chose to send or not send sexual messages to their partners; and can stay or not with men who send them dick pics.
Women aren’t passive followers. They decide what they do.

You can't blame porn for teenagers viewing it, you blame the parents for not locking down the WiFi and actually monitoring what is being viewed.

None of this is actually helping the OP

@TammySwansonTwo

^This

I can't believe the number of naive people on this thread who still believe that (most) porn is people filmed having sex with each other. Most porn is violent and coercive, racist and misogynistic. That's the main selling point.

Some education for those who need it:

Pink - are you serious? Lock down the Wi-Fi? Phones these days don't depend on Wi-Fi. Kids are so savvy they are circumventing parental locks and even watching porn on the computers in the school library - even at primary school! But you keep victim blaming.

OP not been back?

ragingfem I had a query about this too * I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair*

Op, are you suggesting here that because you have the above stated characteristics that your Fiancé should be 100% satisfied? That all men want a size 8 blonde?? That is what the world and the media have led you to believe, this princess idea along with socio demographical western world hierarchy that blonde slim ladies are to be aspired to. Sorry that this isn't quite what answered your question, but it stuck out. Are you a natural blonde and is a size 8 your effortless size? If not, it is time to be yourself. I agree that porn is damaging, and when actively hid from the other consenting adult, most likely a problem. But please don't imply that men are only attracted to one type of lady. All sizes, colours and races are beautiful. A size 22 lady who had no possibility of ever being blonde could also experience the same thing, and it could equally be irrelevant to her partners actions.

Pink - are you serious? Lock down the Wi-Fi? Phones these days don't depend on Wi-Fi. Kids are so savvy they are circumventing parental locks and even watching porn on the computers in the school library - even at primary school! But you keep victim blaming.

Victim blaming? Porn on school computers hahaha. ...really? The firewall so far up can't download tor or even access anything

Phones don't require WiFi nope but need data get tech savvy before you give to a child. It's actually abuse so I suggest if a school allows porn you need to phone the police

Hardly matters if it helps OP, anyhow, since they posted just the once, 33 hours ago.

I work with teenagers and they frequently hack school computer systems. Kids are indeed super tech savvy nowadays.
Poor op another porn thread derailed by arguing.
For what it’s worth porn has changed hugely with the internet and where I might have been comfortable with it and enjoyed it 20 years ago I now can’t watch for fear of seeing something I find disturbing.
I ended my marriage partly because my ex h’s habit was hugely impacting on our sex life and in turn my self esteem and my own sexuality.
I’d say it’s had a very negative impact on my emotional health and ability to trust men now.
I’ve had several relationships with men who are hugely into porn, some openly, some in secret. I struggle to respect them.

OP it's really not okay and I don't see porn doing well in a long term relationship.
Sorry I'd move on.