My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

[Evelyn29]

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

The majority of people watch porn, not just men. You can's stop him from watching it and you certainly shouldn't guilt him about it.

The issue here lies with your low self-esteem and self-confidence. You need to work on that. Your sexiness or attractiveness doesn't correlate with his masturbation habits. As long as it isn't interfering in your life i.e he's not having sex with you anymore but going in another room and watching it instead. Then you have nothing to worry about!

"Any friends I've had who have had an issue with it have openly admitted it makes them jealous, not because of ethics!"

Have you ever thought about getting better friends?

yetmorecrap
I actually think you have a point and age is an issue.
It is an issue because people over 40~45yo will not have been teenagers with full access to porn.
And porn will have had some impact in their brain, what they consider ok (when you have watched 100s of painanal videos, bdsm and gang bang videos, it’s starts to look pretty tame and well ‘normal’).

What is a shame is that that no one actually stops to look at the effect of readily accessible porn on people and the society as a whole.
It’s even more of shame that we don’t it NOW because soon, everyone will have grown up with accessible porn so that sort of studies will not be able to be done anymore. And difference of attitude will be put on generational difference and older generations just being uptight. (Which is already was is happening btw)

In the mean time, women will have to fight even harder to be respected. And probably will not even realise that they are treated appallingly because ‘that’s normal. That’s what people do’

I feel quite sad for the further generations tbh. Men and women.

@feminist what sort of porn have you seen haha? Everything you mentioned is nothing like the porn I've seen and I've seen a lot of it! I also don't see a lot of porn anymore with women with big fake boobs etc. That's so 90s and a lot of men and women don't like that sort of image anymore.

@bert does porn even exist with women sitting about in dressing gowns afterwards discussing how happy they are to be involved?! Don't be so silly. I've already mentioned all the reasons how the stuff I watch sticks to ethical guidelines. watching porn directed by women made for women being just one of them. Are you saying all of the hundreds of millions of sex workers are liars when they say they enjoy working in that industry?

Imagine - being jealous about your husband wanking over beautiful women (who may well be being or feeling abused or there with little choice or doing what they need to do to survive). The nerve of her!

The fact that you are so convinced that this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship is the problem - just because it's normalised doesn't mean it's okay. If he was wanking over a real life beautiful woman, that wouldn't be okay. But this is a video so it's fine. Imagine being an alien just arrived on earth and tell me how you get your head around that one!

And if you don't like it, you have low self-esteem!

Brilliant. Truly hilarious.

When have I ever said it's acceptable behaviour in a relationship. It's only acceptable if both parties are 100% ok with it. And if one isn't then they should leave instead of dictating how someone else wants to live their life. They would struggle to find someone who never watches it and is totally against the industry, but if that's the sort of person they want then I'm sure they could find them if they looked hard enough.

Watching porn as a single person or if you are both ok with it is no one else's businesses and shouldn't be judged. I'm not judging you for not liking porn. I'm judging you for judging me when I'm sure you're not perfect and do things others could disapprove of too.

Keep taking the moral high ground though as you clearly think you're better than me and the billions of others who watch porn

I'm not judging you, you are free to do whatever you please as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. I just don't see how an intelligent person can watch porn and believe its not hurting anyone, or defend an industry doing untold social and personal damage.

What you've basically said there is that women should put up and shut up or be alone - I guess that's easier than challenging the status quo, or responding to the valid questions I'm raising. I think it's good to question things even if they are the norm.

Again, you're putting words in my mouth. Women definitely shouldn't put up and shut up if they don't like it. But they can't tell someone to stop watching it if it's something they enjoy and want to do. They should leave and find someone with the same mindset if it's that important to them.
What do you want me to say? That I agree that the whole sex industry involves people being hurt, that ethical porn can't and doesn't exist and that anyone who watches it is a disgusting perv? Seems those are the only opinions you think are valid. I've said bad stuff does happen in porn and I'm not oblivious to it. But there are also loads of porn that isn't how you say it is, whether you like it or not

So you actually believe that even in your ethical porn, all the women are there because they love the work, none are reliant on drugs to get through it, none will leave and then admit that they parroted the same stuff about loving their job but actually hated it and suffer PTSD as a result? You can't possibly believe that.

And yes, I think you absolutely can expect a partner to give up something they enjoy when that something is getting off to other women, and especially getting off to other women being degraded, humiliated and otherwise abused. I have met / been with men who consume a lot of porn which strongly affected their behaviour, but who wouldn't be at all happy if their female partners did the same, especially if them being degraded and humiliated then became their partner's sexual preference.

It's naive to think that this stuff doesn't negatively affect relationships (not all, sure, but many) and therefore asking someone to stop behaviour that impacts on you negatively is perfectly reasonable.

If the OP's partner was going to strip clubs frequently for lap dances, would it be more acceptable to ask him to stop? If he were using webcam services or prostitutes, would that be okay? There's an imaginary line being drawn here because the women aren't physically present or interacting with the men, and I don't think that line exists in reality - it's just what some have been conditioned to believe.

Yep I do believe you can ask someone to stop someth8ng they enjoy.
I’m sure you word have no issue to ask a partner whomstop drinking alcohol, that they enjoy, because it has a clear I pact in their mood.
Or smoking cannabis.

But they can't tell someone to stop watching it if it's something they enjoy and want to do.
I’m not sure if you realise how selfish it makes you sound.
As mentioned on this thread, prob isn’t just about whether it’s ethical or not (even though it’s clearly part of the picture). It’s also about it’s influence in the society as a whole. The fact it has in men and women and their expectations of sexual relationships.
Porn has negative effects in all sorts of areas.
But it seems that your pleasure (or the OP partner etc etc) is more important than the rest...

So you would stay with someone who has made the promise at the start of the relationship that they won't wank to porn, take drugs, get drunk, go to strip clubs etc, and then did one of those things behind your back and lied about it?
If it was something I felt so strongly about like you clearly do about porn then I would leave. I wouldn't want to live a life where I no longer trust them and they have different morals to me

"bert does porn even exist with women sitting about in dressing gowns afterwards discussing how happy they are to be involved?! Don't be so silly"

Yes it does exist. I've seen it.

Oh, and incidentally, I am perfectly OK with people judging me for the areas of my life where I fall short. I am more than aware that there are plenty. Can you say the same?

Of course I can. I'm far from perfect and I don't believe anyone can say they live their lives without ever fucking up.
If you want to judge me for watching porn (that I deem is harmless) now and again then I'm really not going to lose sleep over it.
The OP hasn't even come back to the thread so this is all fairly pointless anyway

Apparently people have an inalienable right to porn, and asking them to stop is controlling, but asking them to stop cheating or not to use tinder is just fine. Utterly ridiculous.

What you've said in a pp is that she should find someone who doesn't use porn, even though hardly any of those exist. Personally I think that someone who continues pursuing a non-essential leisure activity that actively hurts their partner is either an addict or an arsehole, but that's just me. It's not asking them to stop masturbating - that would be controlling.

And yes, it is also very pointless to have a discussion where someone cherry picks your questions to answer because there are no logical responses to some of them.

Haha ok

It's wierd, isn't it? Surely most people's response to being told that a completely non essential recreational activity of theirs was damaging to some people would be to stop. Surely????. I love those sky lantern things-really love them. But as soon as someone told me how risky they were to animals I stopped using rhem at once. Isn't that a normal response?

Well at least you can rejoice that you and a small minority of others aren't weird like the rest of us then. Must be a great feeling :-)

FFS. There really needs to be an eye roll emoji on here because that's all that response warrants. Thanks for proving my point.

Totally agree Bert - stamping your feet and continuing with something that hurts other people because you like it is the behaviour of children (and the NRA, obvs). I personally find it really sad when I see women defending an industry that has done so much harm to women and men's view of them - just because they're entitled to have that opinion doesn't mean it isn't depressing.

Do you drink alcohol ever? Well you should stop that too as alcohol can ruin people's lives. I'm sure our country suffers a lot more with alcoholics than people who suffer sexual abuse in the porn industry

they can't tell someone to stop watching it if it's something they enjoy and want to do. They should leave and find someone with the same mindset if it's that important to them.

Why is it the partner that should leave to find someone with the same mindset instead??
Saying that it’s the person who doesn’t like porn who should leave implies that not being happy with porn is making you the odd one and somehow ‘at fault’.
Why not considering that watching porn is something that should be agreed in the first place by the person who watches it? So it’s that person who should check if it’s ok.

As it happens, I don't drink any more, no. And if my husband's drinking caused me problems, I'd have no problem asking him to stop drinking.

Again, stop deflecting - it's so transparent and tedious.

If you want to debate a topic, actually start by addressing the points people raise rather than trying to divert attention away.

What are you going on about? Tell me what I haven't answered that you have asked. I don't think I could be more thorough with my explanation for my porn use. It's ok for your husband to drink even though alcohol causes so many people problems, but I'm wrong for watching porn that also apparently causes other people problems?! Cool

put it like this, if one person in the relationship had a massive recreational drug use habit and it was all kept secret because the other partner wasnt ok with it should the other partner on finding out just be expected to put up with it, let them get on with it and shut up because its what the other person enjoys and its their body? If its all known about and both parties have no issue with it then as Ive said fair enough, but in many many cases, that isnt the case.

No - they should leave the relationship. If a partner does anything secretive that the other doesn't like then they shouldn't stay with them. Or the alternative is to tell them not to do it again and to live in a constant state of paranoia because the trust has gone. It's really not rocket science