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Original poster

My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

353 replies

Evelyn29 · 28/11/2017 12:21

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/12/2017 01:34

I bet the 30% of women who are watching porn are doing so because of a man in their life not for their own personal pleasure.

😂😂😂

You bet wrong. I've always watched porn, long before DH, and after discussions at many workplaces, the majority of women do too, and most of them were single.

OldWitch00 · 01/12/2017 01:49

very sad to hear that. it's not a practice that has any redeeming qualities.

Humpsfor20yards · 01/12/2017 07:05

You bet wrong. I've always watched porn, long before DH, and after discussions at many workplaces, the majority of women do too, and most of them were single

I thought you and dh were childhood sweethearts and you were only in your 20s!!
I must have got that wrong you are actually a woman with vast, vast experience of the world.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/12/2017 08:36

very sad to hear that. it's not a practice that has any redeeming qualities.

Oh I'd say the pleasure people get from it is all the "redeeming qualities" it needs.

I thought you and dh were childhood sweethearts and you were only in your 20s!!
I must have got that wrong

No, you're not wrong. We're late twenties and we are childhood sweethearts; we got together at 16. I started regularly watching porn at 14.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2017 08:46

People who have "no problem with porn"- do you just disregard the ethics of the industry?

TammySwansonTwo · 01/12/2017 09:13

You started regularly watching porn at 14 and you still don't think porn is a problem?

Okay then. No wonder it's so normalised, eh?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/12/2017 09:23

People who have "no problem with porn"- do you just disregard the ethics of the industry?

Every industry has shady ethics; it's not my responsibility to do anything about them.

You started regularly watching porn at 14 and you still don't think porn is a problem?

Why would I think it was a problem? It's never caused any issues in my life whatsoever.

Again, it's "normalised" because it is normal.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2017 09:29

"People who have "no problem with porn"- do you just disregard the ethics of the industry?

Every industry has shady ethics; it's not my responsibility to do anything about them."

Blimey. It's obvious that watching porn regularly from the age of 14 had done no damage to your moral code at all!

Chippyway · 01/12/2017 09:31

I bet the 30% of women who are watching porn are doing so because of a man in their life not for their own personal pleasure

Confused I’m so embarrassed for you.
Nope, I watch porn all by myself. I watched it long before I ever had sex with a man as well. Believe it or not there are some women who watch porn because they enjoy it and because they CHOOSE to watch it - we’re not all delicate little flowers who’s choices are driven by men, as you quite clearly believe. Why is it so hard to believe that women enjoy porn?

People who have "no problem with porn"- do you just disregard the ethics of the industry

Unfortunately there are some women forced into porn. However the vast majority have willingly CHOSEN to go into porn and ENJOY it. Why do you think that a woman in porn can’t genuinely enjoy what she does?? I’ve known people who have been involved in porn and the sex industry - none of them were forced into anything they didn’t wish to do. They were treated with respect. They loved their jobs. They didn’t come from broken backgrounds.

But can I ask - are all of your clothes organic? Have you ever shopped in primark or other cheap retailers? Because if so you’re a hypocrite. You’ll happily buy cheap clothes made from children forced into slavery working for nothing, but you hate porn because you seem to think every woman is forced into it and it’s damaging to women?

All perfectly happy to throw vulnerable women under a bus so that some man can exercise his inalienable right to get his rocks off

Oh my god. So men in porn are doing it because they chose to yet women in porn are doing it because they’re vulnerable and couldn’t possibly want to actually do it? Oh please

Toprate · 01/12/2017 09:39

Long before your husband who you met at 16? Confused

Humpsfor20yards · 01/12/2017 09:40

Long before your husband who you met at 16?

She's funny, right?!

and after discussions at many workplaces What kind of workplaces are these where you have these discussions about your porn use? How 'many' is many?

TammySwansonTwo · 01/12/2017 09:53

Same old lines - "sure, some women are exploited but the vast majority want to do it". Maybe I'd have to tell myself the same bullshit if I was getting off on porn too. Have you ever seen any women who've left the business being interviewed, even those who sang the praises of the industry and their love of the job while they were in it? You're kidding yourself because you need to kid yourself. I remember watching a documentary like that with a previous partner who watched a lot of porn and he was visibly horrified. Even if it is only a proportion who are trafficked, forced by circumstance or partners, needing drugs to get through their job, how do you know that the women you're watching aren't those women? Do they wear a sign?

And as for why should most men enjoy it but most women not... I'd say that's self-evident if you've seen much porn, to be honest.

2017 you're telling me you can't even consider the possibility that starting to watch porn at such an incredibly young age could have affected your perception of what's normal? I lost my virginity at 14, it was all pretty innocent and fumbling as you'd expect at that age. The idea that I could have been having sexual experiences in the context of having watched hardcore porn and the likely effects of that on my sexual experiences is so disturbing. I've been with men who have no interest in porn, men who watch porn occasionally and men who watch it obsessively / frequently and the differences are stark. Of course you think it's normal. This is exactly why people have an issue with it.

RagingFemininist · 01/12/2017 10:07

Unfortunately there are some women forced into porn. However the vast majority have willingly CHOSEN to go into porn and ENJOY it.
I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry at that statement.

Even if you know nothing about the Porn industry, why people are ending up there, wat is gong in etc...
Just LOOKING at the women, their faces etc... will tell you a lot about what is going on
Actually you would need to be wilfully blind not to notice the number if times where women are hurt, unwilling or high on drugs.

watching Porn as such isn’t an issue for me.
The ethics behind the Porn industry are an issue for me.
The CULTURE behind the Porn is an issue for me (a woman is 3 holes that’s it. No human being behind that. Just 3 holes for the pleasure of a man)
And the EFFECT on society is an issue for me. Not the bit that says we are all so much more relaxed around sex and our bodies (were not). But the part that says that some th8nsg are now the norm and that are all about women behaving in a certain way.
By that I mean women have to have no pubic hair (despite the fact it hurts to do so, some women might not want to etc...) but men do not have to (even though all men in those porn videos are all hairless too).
Porn is just another way to beat women up and tell them to behave in a way that suits men.
How in earth are you supposed, for example, to convincemen that coercive sex in not acceptable and that no means no when they spend hours watching Porn that shows exactely the opposite?
Or that sex should a ways be pelasurable when you have 100s of hours of first time anal showing painful sex with comments along the lines ‘it hurts, you love it don’t you?’
The stark reality is that watching films like this normalise these behaviours (even if they wouod be classified as illegal in RL).just as we know for example that playing on racing games means people are then much more reckless in their driving.

In a world where so many women actually do NOT have an orgasm during sex (around 50%!!!), Porn Just validates the idea that women should just enjoy sex from PIV and whatever pleasures the man.
Never in porn do you see a man taking his (much longer) time to pleasure a woman and give her an orgasm. Never do you see the fact that most women (75%) do you have an orgasm from PIV.
Nope we are all suppose to get our kicks from a man inserting his penis into one of our holes..... Even when biology seems to say it’s not the case....
I Don’t think that Porn is doing anything to improve that. Quite the opposite.

Josuk · 01/12/2017 10:10

Well - so - the ethics...

Let’s just see. Do you care and check how the animals you eat are killed - or in fact - how they live, what sorry conditions they are in.
Your products and goods made in less-then fortunate countries - do you check provenance of all of them - and absolutely sure no one was exploited to produce them.
Driving..... vs public transportation and environment.
Do you throw away food knowing people in the world are starving.

Or - is it easier to pick one subject that makes you feel morally superior? And - for many, many women - masks the deep insecurities rather than dealing with them?
Or are you in need of another reason to come down on men?

Anything (legal) in moderation - and chosen by free adults - is their choice.
Why is that constant need to judge others??????

TammySwansonTwo · 01/12/2017 10:18

It's not judging. And stop deflecting. Calling hypocrite may seem like an end to the argument but doesn't address the actual points raised does it? Even if some of the women commenting do eat meat, and even if you believe that makes them hypocrites, do you think that negates the issues with the porn industry? Interesting you've compared it to the meat industry, where living creatures are hurt and sacrificed for the enjoyment of others... sounds about right.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2017 10:41

Josuk.

Yes, I do try very hard to live my life ethically. You?

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2017 10:43

"Unfortunately there are some women forced into porn. However the vast majority have willingly CHOSEN to go into porn and ENJOY it."

1.Evidence please?
2.How can you tell the difference?

TammySwansonTwo · 01/12/2017 11:09

Wow, I missed that before - you're saying that objecting to the blatant misogyny of the porn industry is really just an attempt at man-bashing? Jesus Christ. That's one completely bloody ridiculous way to attempt to shut down discussion.

Here are links to no less than 29 studies demonstrating the effects of pornography on the brain: fightthenewdrug.org/scientific-studies-porn-use-brain/

That's before you even get to the effects on attitudes towards sex and women, or the impact on those involved in the industry. See here for videos and quotes from former porn actresses and the impact on them, even those who entered the profession through choice: fightthenewdrug.org/10-porn-stars-speak-openly-about-their-most-popular-scenes/

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2017 11:12

"Wow, I missed that before - you're saying that objecting to the blatant misogyny of the porn industry is really just an attempt at man-bashing?"

On another thread someone tried to argue that objecting to the porn industry was a puritanical and misogynist attempt to prevent women freely expressing their sexuality..........

TammySwansonTwo · 01/12/2017 11:19

And if you didn't see it when it aired, look up the C4 doc "Date My Porn Star" - fascinating to see brazen porn users having to confront the reality of the content they consume.

TammySwansonTwo · 01/12/2017 11:23

If anyone, man or woman, can read or watch the accounts of those who've left the industry - those who fully admit they claimed to love their job while reliant on drugs and suffering PTSD, for example - and still get off to it, that's pretty telling. I guess it's no surprise that porn users have to push these myths and fallacies. Not very nice to confront the realities of something you find arousing, I suppose.

hollowtree · 01/12/2017 11:35

Sex work of any kind. It's a service some people are happy to pay for. It's a service some people are happy to provide in return for payment.

Some are forced into it. Completely unacceptable. Some aren't. Completely acceptable. I really do think it's time to stop judging. The problem here is that the OP doesn't like it. End of, enough said. He needs to respect that.

I disagree that porn in general is unethical. Whilst I accept that some is, people also have to accept that some people choose their career that way and that is fine. Again, see my previous post about most free porn being amateur that people willingly submit.

At the back of every Nuts magazine was a section where girls would post naked selfies hoping to be chosen for the next magazine and paid well for it (I have a lot of male friends and have been surrounded by Nuts magazine for years!!).

But I would like to see alot more 'Make love not porn' progress. I think it would help younger people alot to see something more realistic as a first visual experience of sex.

I think where porn is doing the damage is young men and women seeing female porn stars acting submissive towards men. I think this is an unhealthy start to a person's experience with sexual intimacy. However, for those seeking it as a release who understand it is not a true reflection of sex, I honestly don't see the problem.

Nancy91 · 01/12/2017 11:38

I have made a similar argument before where I compared it to the meat industry to show that just because you feel morally superior in one aspect of your life, it doesn't make your life morally superior overall!

I do watch porn, whether that is wrong in the eyes of strangers on the internet or not. I do enough good for other causes and it's not my job to save the world.

I haven't turned into a sex crazed, woman hating person that is unable to understand what a real body looks like and I'm still able to enjoy sex in real life.

Sometimes you have to admit that you care about your pleasure more than the negative implications it might have on others that you don't know. This doesn't only happen with porn. People are selfish by nature!

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2017 11:39

The naivete is breathtaking.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2017 11:42

"I have made a similar argument before where I compared it to the meat industry to show that just because you feel morally superior in one aspect of your life, it doesn't make your life morally superior overall! "

I agree. But I will always feel morally superior to someone who watches exploited women being penetrated for their sexual pleasure.