My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

[Evelyn29]

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

josuk you might want and enjoy anal sex
No problem with that
What is not issue is yo assume ALL women must want and enjoy anal sex. Or oral sex it whatever other things you might think about.
The problem as another poster says is that all of this are now the NORM when they dont have to be
Women (and men fir that matter) should be able to say no to those if they aren't confortable with that. Just as you should be able to say you want anal sex if you want to.

The effect on porn is just as big on adults thanon teenagers. Thinking that teens and adults are somehow different on that subject is naive.

Actually I will rephrase myself.
Anal sex, oral sex or any other sexual activity should NEVER be considered the normal much so that people (men or women) feel they have to do xxx even if they don't like it. Or that they can expect fir xxx and get it because if the other person isn't happy with it then it means there is something wrong with that person.

Aside from the porn angle - which has been thoroughly covered - please stop sending him 'sexy' films and photos - you have no control whatsoever over where those end up.

Recall all the ones you have sent and delete on all devices and memory sticks - assuming he's honest with you about where he's stored them.

If you split up they could end up plastered across the internet.

You’re entitled to be upset Op, have you spoken with him?

I think the saddest thing about fhe porn industry is girls as young as 8-9 seeing hardcore porn on phones in the playground. It’s having a huge impact on how teens view their bodies (my body is disgusting because I have body hair/some fat/small boobs), and the pressure to get rid of all public hair.
I had a friend who did have some public hair, she slept with a guy and the next day all of his friends knew she had a ‘giant bush’ laugh laugh laugh. Horrific, poor woman. He literally told everyone, because it’s so weird and abnormal isn’t it?

I also saw a study asking teen girls what sexual practices were normal, and coming in someone’s face and anal were considered common place. Some even consisted ‘ass to mouth’ common as they’d seen it in so many videos.

Fine if you like that, but most didn’t and felt pressured. Most found anal sex painful, but boys are growing up expecting it.

I saw porn for the first time when I was 14, became addicted and have struggled with finding real life sex exciting. I wish I could go back and not have watched it.

Raging - it’s interesting that you stay true to your name even when you agree with someone.
Choice of what one likes and consent - and personal boundaries WAS the main point I was making.

Adults and teenagers are very different. Brain development, maturity, ability to self-control, level of self confidence.

I am perplexed as to why you think that sexual (or any) activities need to be classified as ‘normal’ and not, and why you think you are the person to do it. Also - why classifying something as ‘normal’ means that everyone has to do it.

It’s normal to eat meat. Yet I don’t. And don’t feel like I have to.
Many, many things are normal - and we can chose not to do it.
Sex is no different.

Swing seems to think there no facts, no moral facts, no absolutes, it's all relative and subjective? What if I were to say that in my opinion it's ok to kill people? I suspect you'd try to make a half arsed attempt at making a morally absolute argument using relative subjective opinion, as do most people! Well those arguments always collapse. I mean, Swing do you trust science? Are any facts incontrovertible? I suspect you do, so what's wrong with trying to establish moral or ethical truths with the issue of porn? Do you just like watching so much that all sense of logic flies out the window?
My, just read this! Are you forgetting that there is something called the legal system, which is the uttermost moral/ethical judge? Some porn is illegal, some isn't. Killing someone is.

So yes, what is legal is in my view up to personal interpretation. Nothing to do with science. You might want to look into the definition of logic!

josuk please read with attention the posts on this thread.
Women subject to judgement and humiliation fur daring having public hair.
Women being labelled as prudish because they don't want anal sex.

That's what happens when no hair is seen as normal, anal sex is seen As normal.
It means that SOCIETY sees that as what is supposed to happen rather than still a CHOICE that should be accepted.

As fur why you think it's my normal, I'm at say I have to say. You have no idea what's my normal tbh.
I personally have no judgement as what people do with their own body. I ressent the fact society is now pushing a certain view on what's normal in a sexual relationship. And that women can't say no to practices they don't want. (As shown by the numerous examples on this thread and others )

I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time

Really? Do you want to wear sexy lingerie all the time? I presume he makes similar efforts for you too, yeah?

I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy.

You want to, yeah, or is he pushing you too? Who gets to see these at work?

Id understand if we never had sex but we do everyday.

If that's what you want, great, but I hope you don't feel pressured to.

You seem to make a lot of effort for him. Does he put in as much effort for you?

Raging - and as I said - I fully agree that as a society we are changing and definitions are becoming further broadened - and this unstoppable shift is driven by technological advances as well as changing moral/legal norms.

Generation of our grandparents no doubt would think of what people considered ‘normal’ today as quite shocking. But it doesn’t change anything. People change. ‘Normal’ changes. There is no absolute. (Within legal limits, obviously. As someone already helpfully reminded us)

What doesn’t change - and what every new generation needs to learn - is the need to develop the strong core and self-confidence. And ability to chose for themselves.

If any adult thinks that they have to perform this or that act, despite not wanting to - the issue is not society. The issue is internal.

What doesn’t change - and what every new generation needs to learn - is the need to develop the strong core and self-confidence. And ability to chose for themselves.

The problem is that many people are conformist and if something is regarded as 'normal' they want to do it or feel they should just to be like other people. Adults are constantly buying the same cars, the same clothes, the same kitchens as others because they want to be like other people. They want to fit in. I'm not saying it's things should be but how things are.

This particularly affects young teenagers who feel pressured to fit in with their peer group, which may involve being sexy and having sex at a young age. It's very common for young teenagers to be pressured into sexual activity they're not comfortable with and that may includes anal sex.

I have to agree that anal is being 'normalised'. When I was a teenager in the 80s no-one anal sex was not really discussed and certainly not 'expected'.

It's very difficult for young women to develop self-confidence when they are constantly objectified, hypersexualised and given the message that their primary value is how hot they are.

If any adult thinks that they have to perform this or that act, despite not wanting to - the issue is not society. The issue is internal

No it's both.

I never fail to be amazed at how many porn apologists there are. All perfectly happy to throw vulnerable women under a bus so that some man can exercise his inalienable right to get his rocks off........

Yes. Some men.

OK- "some people".

Same comment applies.

It’s not ‘amazing’ - is more due to the fact that we don’t live in Vatican or Saudi Arabia.
There is nothing wrong with having sexual desire. And with filling it in legal ways.

I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy
Evelyn, please be very careful. You have no idea where these will end up or what he'd do with them if you split up. Once you've sent them you have to be aware that they could be stuck online and shared around the world and you'd have absolutely no control over that.

"There is nothing wrong with having sexual desire. And with filling it in legal ways."

No, but there is a lot wrong with supporting an industry that routinely exploits women and girls.

If the problem were internal and not social, why is it so endemic? Of course there's a social problem when the same issues are affecting so many.

31% of the women in the survey 70% of whom were 18-34 - thus of generations for whom porn has already been normalised.

I feel its very important to mention, if anyone is not happy with content or amount, or indeed happy with it at all, it can change your view on your partner. My ex husband many moons ago faced with my libido being shot due to 2 young children and working full time, (out of needs not choice) suddenly tried to force me to watch it, I watched a bit out of sufference, next thing he said he wanted to spy on me 'watching it' .(this was the days of DVDs) I told him to get stuffed. The problem is to be honest, whilst it may have been titilating to him, I never ever felt quite the same emotionally about him again and decided to split shortly afterwards. Its all fine and dandy if 'both' agree on whats ok for them and dont feel 'obliged' to accept it within the relationship, it is not fine if one person is simmering with resentment at being coerced or pressured. I realise sex is very important for many, but it seems to me that it is actually overiding other aspects of relationships in many cases, if some people concentrated a bit more on a rounded, equal and supportive partnership, many who are worn down, knackered and not always feeling very sexy , 'might' actually feel a bit more inclined .

Josuk- Whenever there's a thread about some lying Dh / dp watching porn behind his oh's back your always guaranteed to be on defending him and his porn rights. You seem fascinated by it because it's all you seem to post about. Perhaps you need to ask yourself why your so concerned with fighting for the rights for men to lie and deceive their partners so they can be left to get off to all the porn they are apparently entitled to?

What swing said, word for word!

I have to say I agree with josuk as well. I don't have a problem with porn. However OP- you do so that is something you should talk about with your partner. And of course the lying is wrong.

With regards to women being exploited though, it's a profession many women choose as they are paid very well for it. For some it is something they really enjoy. The majority of readily available free porn is amateur which people willingly submit for it to be watched. (I know all of this because I used to be really offended by porn so did some research).

What I can say would be absolutely 100% unacceptable in any circumstance would be pornigraphic material that was non consensual. The sex industry does exploit many vulnerable women and this is so wrong, but again many women seek to be escorts and strippers because they enjoy the money and find it empowering.

A friend of mine was a stripper in a club while at uni for extra money... she loved it and earnt a fortune. I'm moving away from the original post here so sorry for rambling but the point I am making is using porn does not necessarily mean exploiting women. So that is not an angle I would take when talking to your partner OP.

But, it is clearly something you are not comfortable with so he needs to understand and respect that.

The trust issuse and the acceptance of bounderies are the key one IMO. It's not a great atmosphere when someone is doing something being your back. Although I do respect the idea of personal space within relationships. I can only assume the lack of openness about the porn was a result of the shame we are made to feel about it. It's ok to have desires and to a certain extent be inspired. The product of our imagination is something we would not feel ashamed of per se. It is part of us and sometimes it can be a strange place. It's ok to talk to a partner about your desires (something that doesn't happen in some relationships). After all a mutral desier to push bounderies and explore together can be fun and bring couples closer together. But what is really key is knowing if you partner shows a genuine interest or it is a no go. If they have no taste for what ever that should be, end off. The problem is when people start to pressurise their other half and that is out of order and totally not ok. In a good communicating unselfish relationship this should not happen. IMO the presence of this attitude is a red flag.

BertrandRussell "There is nothing wrong with having sexual desire. And with filling it in legal ways." No, but there is a lot wrong with supporting an industry that routinely exploits women and girls

Good point. Maybe a way forward is towards the ethical porn movement?

www.theguardian.com/culture/2014/nov/01/ethical-porn-fair-trade-sex

Ironically one of the affects of the Digital Economies Bill is that it may hammered the small indipendant ethical porn industry in the UK that was starting grow.

the activities portrayed in porn are not common. making love or having sex is rarely a well coordinated ballet of graceful movement with frequent position changes...bedrooms equipped with professional lighting and swing sets. thinking this is what it's suppose to be like is not helpful. in the same way that reviewing Bentley websites, Jaguar, and Aston Martin, is not the reality of how few people own these along with the fancy multimillion dollar homes. consumerism aside, porn is soul destroying i'm not sure it has any beneficial role in society.

I bet the 30% of women who are watching porn are doing so because of a man in their life not for their own personal pleasure.