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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just caught my daughter stealing...

289 replies

tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:30

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:31

What do I do?

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 11/11/2017 22:34

Go totally batshit crazy. I know that's what I'd do. What did you do the last time you caught her stealing as that obviously wasn't very effective?

bayseyan · 11/11/2017 22:34

Police. That’s a lot of money.

VioletCharlotte · 11/11/2017 22:37

Police? Seriously?

I'd sit her down and talk to her and ask what's going on and why she felt she had to steal the money you worked hard for. There's normally something bigger going on that causes teens to do things like this .

MummySparkle · 11/11/2017 22:39

Oh dear. I think she needs a very very stern talking to about the severity of what she has done. Mortgage needs to be paid, staff need their wages, it's Christmas. I'd be tempted to say that as you are £500 short you will be splitting it between your staff and docking it from their wages before you tell her that you found it in her room and see what she says about that. Get her to think about the staff that may not be able to pay rent / afford Christmas because of the money.

Do you have any idea why she might have taken it?

Change the safe code ASAP, do all of your staff need to know it or just you and DH?

I would take away her phone / possessions / clothes to the value of £500 for a week and see how she feels about that.

Don't consider going easy on her. £500 is a huge amount of money (that's a months work for me). Your DD must learn the severity of that.

You're doing the right thing not letting her stay at your sisters OP. Stay stron when you talk to her

Original poster
tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:41

@sleepfreezone Her father caught her stealing a bluetooth speaker from school. She made up a story the teacher had leant it too her and her father said they would bring it back the day after as it was too expensive for us too keep. Cue the tears and panic and eventual confession she took it without permission. She was marched in the morning after and made to apologise. I thought that embarrassed her enough.

OP posts:
Tatiannatomasina · 11/11/2017 22:42

Change the code on the safe straight away. Demand a full explanation from her when she gets home and do not be moved by tears. Ask her to apologise to your staff who she has technically stolen from. Tell her she is a thief and by all means ask the local police to speak to her about where this is leading. If she was a little older and you were her employer and not her family she could be heading to court for this offence. She needs a very sharp wake up call.

SabineUndine · 11/11/2017 22:44

I would tell the police. A talking to from them might just make her think twice.

Original poster
tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:46

@mummysparkle She saw me last night in floods of tears! I simply can't believe after seeing that she had the audacity to whip out a £50 note. I am livid.

I have never seen my husband so angry. He had already been in the room and removed everything.

Him & I have had a really good chat about it. We've asked his mother if she can stay with her for a week (she literally lives next door) and tell her if we can't trust her she won't be living under the same roof as we don't need a family member sabotaging us when life is hard enough as it is.

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 11/11/2017 22:47

It’s a hell of a lot to take. Surely she knew you would miss the money? I would come down very hard on her. What on earth was she planning on spending it on and surely she knew she would be spotted with a £50 note 🙄

doodlejump1980 · 11/11/2017 22:47

Is she doing it for attention? Does she have a boyfriend or significant other she's trying badly to impress?

Original poster
tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:47

I know this might sound silly but, if we tell the police will they make any record of it?
I wouldn't want that on her record.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 22:49

you need to find out WHY.. she felt the need to open that business safe and Steal £500 ... is she in trouble with debt ? does she owe someone this money ? is so what for ? there may be something far deeper going on here Lady... good luck Flowers

Original poster
tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:51

@merryinthechelseahotel @doodlejump1980 She knew I would miss the money! She watches me go through the lodgement as I thought it would be a good way to teach her money management!
She gets a few pound every week for helping us out on the farm and we treat her as 'staff' so she has a tiny income but, that is all she needed! I don't know why she took it? I'm going to make damn sure I know why by the end of the night!!
Hmm, I never thought of a boyfriend...

OP posts:
Original poster
tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:51

@gemini1969 Thank you Gemini. I will get to the bottom of it.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 11/11/2017 22:52

I think you can ask the police to give her a very stern talking to without making a "formal" complaint (other posters have talked about doing this in other threads). It's worth discussing it with them, in any case.

Your daughter needs a very sharp wake-up call, yes. And I agree she's probably trying to impress someone. You need to talk with her and find what's going on.

SavageCabbage · 11/11/2017 22:52

Does she have any idea about money? I think it’s unusual that she thought she could wave a fifty pound note around and not have people notice it. Even without the missing money it would be remarked on by your sister surely.

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/11/2017 22:54

Oh OP that is a horrible situation to be in. She didn’t attempt to hide it, it just doesn’t make sense.

JungleBooty · 11/11/2017 22:55

She's 14, don't listen to the arse hole that said call the police. Do go bat shit crazy, and afterwards explain your reasons why. Hopefully it's enough and it nips it in the bud before she does something much worse.

Withhindsight · 11/11/2017 22:55

Deffo change code and only give out on need to know to smallest number of people. Show her what you have found which will surprise her and what may surprise her more is be calm, sad and quiet and tell her you are listening and want to help her and want to understand why - she may just break down and tell you what is going on. Is she being bullied, trying to look popular to buy friends, influence people, feeling left out, insecure etc, owes money for something, being bribed in some way- you need to know. If that doesn't get her to open up I'm not sure what to suggest. You do need to punish and let her know how angry you are and what the repercussions for the business and staff are, also to her if this continues - but I fear if you go in guns blazing first with how it affects you and your perspective, she's likely to clam up and you'll not get to the bottom of why she's done it.

Whisky2014 · 11/11/2017 22:57

I stole money from my parents when I was younger. Nowhere near as much as 50 quid maybe the odd 10 or 20 quid a couple of times.
It was because I didn't get enough money for school lunch and other stuff. Young kids want to buy stuff (cd or sweet or make up) and they just can't when given £3 a day for lunch.

So yes, come down hard on her but maybe you need to give her more money for through the week?
I know I am assuming here...

MummySparkle · 11/11/2017 22:58

@tinymango I really feel for you, my DCS are still little, but I can imagine I would be so angry and hurt and heartbroken if they ever did that to us in the future. DH runs his own business so I know the struggle.

Maybe putting it in terms of your staff not being able to afford things might put it into perspective a bit more. Seeing mum upset is one thing, maybe realising that the children / families of your staff will not be able to afford Christmas / might get evicted for not paying rent or mortgage might shock her into realising the wider implications? I don't know, she should have felt like that seeing you crying, but perhaps it's still an abstract concept to her that she can't relate to the real world.

If she stays at your MILS what will life be like for her? Will MIL do things for her and make life easy for the week she is there, or is she the sort of person who will make DD work for her keep? I'm not sure what minimum wage is for a teen these days, can you figure out how many hours qork that would equate to to make £500? She needs to do that much work (cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping in the shop but not on the till) before she gets her pribaledges back

Tatiannatomasina · 11/11/2017 22:58

You can ask the police to just speak with her, perhaps down at your local station. Nothing has to be formally recorded at all. As a police officer I was frequently asked to do this by worried and upset parents whose children had gone off the rails a bit. I always took the time to do it hoping that it would stop them becoming a regular customer in future.

peachytacos · 11/11/2017 22:59

You need to scare the shit out of her.

You could ‘sack’ her and explain that she’s lucky it’s a family business because if her employer were anyone else the police would be involved, she would get a criminal record and would struggle to ever get a job again.
Definitely try and find out why she feels she needs £500 at 14, could definitely be more to it than she’s letting on.
Good luck op Flowers

MummySparkle · 11/11/2017 23:00

Withhindsight makes a very good point about doing your best to stay calm during this conversation. It will make more of an impact than a shouting match