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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just caught my daughter stealing...

289 replies

tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:30

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

OP posts:
Bunnystew · 11/11/2017 23:00

I’m not sure moving her into her nans is the answer. I’m not sure what is.

I’d want to know why she did it. Is it the thrill of stealing or the owning the item.

How old is she?

Bunnystew · 11/11/2017 23:01

I’d ask the police to talk to her without taking action.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/11/2017 23:01

She has a habit of stealing, yes I would call the police to give her a good talking too, next time a store or shop, which won't be so forgiving.

Bunnystew · 11/11/2017 23:03

I’d remove her phone and replace it with a very basic Nokia

Pinkpillows · 11/11/2017 23:05

Going bat shit crazy to a child who clearly doesn't care will get you nowhere.

Say you found the money and she is to work 500 quid back on the farm at a rate of 4 pound an hr, so learns the value of money and essentially works for no reward but morals

Misslemon01 · 11/11/2017 23:05

I’m not sure I’d go crazy or call the police here. Going crazy wouldn’t help discover the reason for her stealing and would just alienate her. Going to the police seems so extreme as well.

Have a chat with her. Tell her upfront you found the money in her room. Ask her did she take it. Ask her if everything is ok, why did she take it. It could well be a boyfriend or a bully or friends are buying expensive clothes and she feels left out. I remember loads of things like that troubling me when I was a teen (though I never stole); my parents exploding at me would have done nothing but make me hate them and tell them nothing.

Sorry this is happened OP, and hope it’s resolved soon.

Anditstartsagain · 11/11/2017 23:08

Total removal of phone tablet tv any privileges until you see fit. Tell her how ashamed and disgusted you are and let her know you will need to inform your staff she is the theif so they know who can be trusted. Then send her to her room out of your sight. Don't send her to live somewhere else it will make her think you don't care/love/want her.

Rudi44 · 11/11/2017 23:10

I think calling the police would cause more damage. I would probably shit her up and tell her you suspect you know which member of staff it was and you are calling the police, and see if you can get her to confess. I also wouldn't move her to her grandmothers, she needs to know that she has a place in your home and you love her no matter what. That said she needs to be punished, how about making her apologise to all the staff who were under suspicion until you found out it was her

Aeroflotgirl · 11/11/2017 23:12

Next time a store or shop, they will call the Police. She needs to realise the gravity of her actions. There has to be sanctions, Police talk, grounding, removing privileges. As well as finding out why she is doing this.

AnathemaPulsifer · 11/11/2017 23:13

I don't think kicking her out is the right move. I'd start by talking to her as calmly as you can possibly manage. Find out as much as possible of what was going through her mind - open questions that get her talking, not closed questions that just need a yes/no answer. There definitely need to be consequences but you don't have to decide what they are right now. After you've talked to her tell her you'll think about the consequences and get back to her.

If she enjoys her job, definitely consider sacking her. She'd be sacked by any other employer.
If she hates it and only does it because she has to, definitely don't sack her!

ToadsforJustice · 11/11/2017 23:17

Don’t tell the police. You, your family and DD will be on the local police database for years. It may trigger a SS referral and your DD will have a police record that will follow her for years.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 11/11/2017 23:18

I don't think it should be about "punishments". Punishments don't work. They just breed resentment and the desire to push at the boundaries.

You need consequences. The most immediate one here is that she's lost your trust, and needs to earn it back. This loss of trust means she can't be unsupervised in the workplace in case she steals again, so this might impact on the paid work she does for you. She needs to understand that if anything goes missing again, the finger of suspicion will point straight to her, etc.

I also agree that you need to get to the bottom of the "why". If you can understand why she did this, you might be able to help her resolve it so that she never does this again.

Good luck

Liiinoo · 11/11/2017 23:18

Most important of all is change the safe code. Don't give her the opportunity to do,this again.

Then punish her severely/Sack her/Talk to her/Withdraw stuff/privileges /Ground her. Do whatever you feel is appropriate to make her regret her actions, see that they have consequences and deter her from doing it again. Try and find out why she did it. Is it attention seeking?

DON'T call the police unless you want them to charge her. They aren't back up parents, they are law enforcers. Calling them in to discipline her/scare her is a waste of their time. DON'T send her to live with
other family. Quite apart from the fact that it is putting the ongoing responsibility for disciplining and supervising her onto someone else, sending them away can be so harmful to children, sending a message that parental love and acceptance is conditional. I can understand the urge but in the long run it will be better if she stays at home and is fully aware that although you love her you are furious with her and will be keeping a very close eye on her until she re-earns your trust.

PickAChew · 11/11/2017 23:20

I think that living next door with grandma while you ge to the bottom of this is perfectly valid. Send the message that she has breached your trust in a very serious manner, but work on moving forward, once you have got that through to her. She can either pay or earn the money back and, in return, you investigate if there is some bullying going on and nip it in the bud.

pog100 · 11/11/2017 23:22

this isn't normal behaviour though is it? It is not being naughty, it is disturbed in some way. You need to make her realise how serious the loss of £500 is, kids even that age have no real concept of what that means to you or your business. Then you really need to work at finding out why. I think some sort of counselling would be in order.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/11/2017 23:23

She needs to see and live with your anger and disappointment so no sending to granny who will probably be softer on her.

You need to make sure she knows all trust is gone and she needs to earn it from scratch over a long period of time. That includes all 14 year old privileges, what tv programs she watches, phones, no internet access, going out alone with friends , very early curfew etc.

She needs to know the seriousness of her crime, it is a crime. You could have disciplined or sacked staff over this. She could have been arrested if it was t family.

justilou1 · 11/11/2017 23:23

Thank goodness your sister is so sensible! Generally kids steal for attention. Something in their lives is making them feel like they are being overly controlled or unable to make their own decisions. Perhaps you need to get her some counselling so you can get to the bottom of it. Obviously, she does need to accept that there are going to be consequences for her behaviour, though. The real world isn't going to send her to Nanna's if she nicks money as an adult.

ChampagneSocialist1 · 11/11/2017 23:25

I would talk to her calmly about why she stole and the consequences for you all of her actions. I agree at that age fitting in with her peer group does include having spending money for clothes, make up and snacks when out and about.
If that is the reason why she stole, if you can afford it, to think about giving her a weekly allowance for spends in exchange for household chores or helping out in your business.

Id warn her if she ever steals from an employer it will be a police matter

Hauntedlobster · 11/11/2017 23:27

Will she end up benefiting from staying with her Gran? My Nana would have spoiled me, completely undermining the punishment.

Original poster
tinymango · 11/11/2017 23:30

She arrived home and we were sitting in the kitchen with the money on the table. Cue panic and tears.

I said I found the money and if it was the missing money from the safe. She said yes but, it was an accident that she took it. She was supposed to take out the money needed to pay the window cleaner (approx £10).

We spoke to her really calmly. Her father didn't say anything at all as he was fuming. Her room has been cleared of any 'bonus items' and I took her phone off her. She's been sacked and she's been told she will never work for the family business again (not true but, a real punishment). She will start applying for jobs Monday after school. I'm going to cancel all her clubs and outings and I thought the money was permanently missing and had to get a loan so she can pay me back with the money I'll get back (untrue but, effective).

I feel so so terrible as she was distraught. She could hardly breathe she was crying so hard but, I was really firm. She tried to hug me before she went to her room but, I pushed her away (I've cried about that more than anything else) and told her I needed some time to think as we are so so hurt. It will be discussed again tomorrow morning and I'm going to tell the staff with her present that she took the money and hope they didn't take offence to my questions.
Thank you all for your help. Such a horrible weekend.

OP posts:
Intomyarms · 11/11/2017 23:30

You need to scare her.

An old classmate of mine at school stole from her father's business. She had been working there 'helping out' during the summer. Her father's business partner realised and told her father who refused to believe it. It turned out she had stolen an awful lot of money. She was 'sacked' but it also ended the business partnership between her father and his partner. As far as I know, her father simply refused to face the fact that she had stolen.

Pinkpillows · 11/11/2017 23:30

If your husband is very angry its best she does go to Nan instead of a volatile household to live in imo

Ojoj1974 · 11/11/2017 23:31

Harsh as it sounds I would as the police to have a word with her but say you dont want to press charges.

Or perhaps counselling to establish why she feels she needs to steal?

Original poster
tinymango · 11/11/2017 23:32

There is a lot to discuss tomorrow.

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 11/11/2017 23:32

Gemini69

you need to find out WHY.. she felt the need to open that business safe and Steal £500 ... is she in trouble with debt ? does she owe someone this money ? is so what for ? there may be something far deeper going on here Lady...

Exactly what I was going to post.
She knows you would find out and didnt care. There must be a reason. You need to find out what it is.