I have just caught my daughter stealing...

[tinymango]

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

Arses

What would you have done if you had discovered that it had been one of your other employees?

Personaly id have pre talked to the police to ask them to just talk to her. Which they will with out it going in her record.

Then marched her down to the police station letting her believe your pressing charges. To give her a very real shock that that is how it feels and will happen if she does it again.

Then find iut why she wanted the money. Was she just being greedy or was there a reason.

I don't think it's outrageous for a 14 year old to do this under these circumstances. I think it would be outrageous if it now continued. I think at 14 earning very little for working in a family business is not fair, she should earn a proper wage and then be able to spend the money with friends or on make up or clothes or cinema trips or whatever.
I also think you are quick to reject her. You can't just send her away or threaten that - she needs to have a secure place to live and she's already sounding quite insecure and maligned here.
I think you should hug her. I think the suggestions to call the police are just absurd in these circumstances. That will stay on a record for her, irrespective of charges being brought. That would affect the jobs she can do when she is older and the courses she can apply to, potentially. The police computer definitely would show this and enhanced CRBs may show this.
I think you're being harsh by being so cold. I think you could give her a chance to redeem herself by working again for you but for a proper wage. Check if it was to buy things or if theres another thing going on here - stealing can run alongside some eating disorders, among other things in that age group, and it's much harder to stop if there's something like that going on.

I think if it was me id have asked the police to speak to her. I think youve had it tough enough handling it and i second other posters you need to find out why. I agree with telling the other staff but im not sure about telling them in front of her. Perhaps telling them then telling her that youve done so is enough. Tough call.

Does she understand what the money is used for? If she sees a safe full and only gets a tiny amount (comparatively) herself, does she think you are rich and being tight?

I agree with previous posters who said to explain what the £500 covers, but I'd go further and talk about the household budget - X amount on gas and electricity, X on water, X on council tax, X on food, X towards clothes, clubs, savings for retirement, car costs, shop stock, staff costs etc. I wonder whether she just sees the total rather than thinking about why - in the same way she may have seen the school had a dozen speakers and so why would they miss one. Another thought - Christmas has kicked off with a vengeance in shops and in TV ads. Is she worried about Christmas presents, or did she intend to buy lavish ones for everyone?

This definitely needs to be nipped in the bud now. I can see why you are so horrified - I would be too. I hope you get to the bottom of this and can move forward.

I agree with those saying you need to find out why she took it. There's every chance that there are deeper issues here- bullying, smoking, drugs, a general cry for help/attention seeking??? You need to talk to her, not at her, today to find out why. Your decision re consequences may well be very different as a result. Oh and start the day by giving her that hug and telling her that, whatever she does, you are her mum and you love her.

I don't understand why a 14 year old has/needs a job.

You've sacked her and she has to find work outside of the family business? Why? Are 14 year olds even allowed to work? DS is 14 and I wouldn't expect him to go out and get a job. I think puberty and GCSEs are plenty to be dealing with at this age.

I think the police could have a role here. When I was about that age I had a very dodgy boyfriend, and he stole something from work, which I also became involved in. I came home from work one day to find a policeman at the house, who had clearly (I can see in retrospect) been given the task of scaring the hell out of me. I had a lecture about my future, whether I would be able to take my O levels in Young Offenders Institute etc. I was absolutely terrified, and I never put a foot wrong again. There's nothing on my record.

I that no you really need to find out why she did this. And she may not know herself, not really, she might have a rationalisation but not the real reason.

Please get her some kind of therapy.
Is she seeking attention? Taking drugs? Has an undiagnosed SN? Has something happened to her? Is someone demanding money or actions from her?

Don’t tell the staff in front of her. Or at all.
She needs consequences, that’s for sure. You obviously trusted her enough to give her the safe code and she let you down. She has been caught and sacked.
But something prompted her to do this and I am sorry but drugs was the first thing that came to mind - if not her then a friend.
Hope you are ok, op.

Or she is being blackmailed by some little scrote?

My 13 yo has just done his first evening's work in one of my husband's family's businesses. He earnt £15 for 5 hours work in the kitchen (my husband was incredibly proud of how hard he worked, especially as he was out all day at the Lord Mayor's show)

Seriously? Proud of exploiting a 13 year old?

And wtf has this got to do with OPs situation?

£3 an hour for 5 hours of hard work. Poor kid.

So, she has tried to steal a bluetooth speaker from school and £500 in cash from home. What are the other items she has stolen, that you are aware of, as you did say she has a history of stealing items, not an item, before this? And why has she made herself so easy to catch? Does she never go out on her own, that she needs to wave a £50 note in front of her aunt? Is she otherwise happy and secure? What's going on in her life at the moment? Does she lie about other things? I would be very worried about any child of mine that felt the need, compulsion or desire to steal. And she has stolen enough that she must have realised you would notice. It all seems very odd, tbh.

I think you do need to find out why - my suspicion would be its to do with school, the fact that you need her to get a job and earn her own money is telling (not wrong by the way) and I wonder if this is all trying to keep up with her classmates. She feels that that she needs to steal to keep up with them.

Family farms are great if you want to be part of it but lonely and separates you out from the crowd. Look at how she was caught spending the money in front of your sister and niece

And I think you need to look at your reaction rejection and anger (refusing to hug her) could (and probably already has) had psychological impact on her.

Pinkpillows

I don’t think the demographic on this thread regularly watches Jeremy Kyle. And it’s counselling. You sound angry.

My 13 yo has just done his first evening's work in one of my husband's family's businesses. He earnt £15 for 5 hours work in the kitchen.

That is SHOCKING. How could you exploit a child like that? If that was in the developing world, you would be getting a visit from Unicef.

Don’t get the police involved, but do Get her to apologise to all your staff, this will be excruciating for her and will hopefully shame her from doing it again, I would also take away some privilege from her, like preventing her from going out with friends or confiscating her phone. But first ask why she needed the money? Is something else going on?

For those commenting on the £15 for 5 hours work, it's not far off nmw for an apprentice.
Apprentice £3.50
Under 18 £4.05

You have done well so far OP.

"Not far off" nmw for an apprentice?! 50p off a tiny amount is a long way off.

I also think £3 an hour is a very small amount. I was earning around £5 for a 2 hour paper round at 14 in 1984, £2 an hour aged 15 in 1985. Then I got a better job and was earning £20 for about 7.5 hours at 16/17. That’s almost £3/hr. The latter two high were street shop work btw. The first was girls clothes, the second, the body shop, which was very prestigious in those days and paid Saturday staff particularly well. Not London. Home Counties.

I am aware wages haven’t gone up in line with inflation or cost of living.

I haven’t read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has been explored, but why is she stealing? What was she planning to do with the money?

Like lots of PPs I also think the stealing is indicative of a bigger issue. She made herself extremely easy to catch. You don't necessarily need to get her therapy but she needs treating with sensitivity so that she feels able to talk. Humiliating her in front of staff I feel would push her further away rather than serving to open up communication.

Why does your child have to be in paid employment? I dont understand at all. This behaviour is her communicating that she's not ok. I feel very sad for her. X