I have just caught my daughter stealing...

[tinymango]

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

Will she steal from her gran if staying there?
Has she in the past ?
I think showing your disappointment in her, not being able to trust her is worse than ranting at her.
Could she be buying drugs?
or alcohol for her friends?
I too would be devastated if dcs stole money and that is a large amount.

She’s wound you round her little finger, sorry op, just be aware. I feel for your staff, if they aren’t told they will be cautious that there is a their amongst them, this will cause tension.

Thief amongst them! ———this will cause issues

Wanting nice stuff IS a reason and an explanation. It's a crap one, but it's what was going on in her head

No. It's a motivation, but she followed through and took the money, which most young people wouldn't do. It's not the reason she decided to take it.

It absolutely can just be naughtiness, poor impulse control and/or opportunity. I used to steal things as a child (a bit younger than 14), just because I could and it gave me a thrill. There were no underlying issues and I'm now a law-abiding adult.

And as for getting £50 out in front of her aunt - it's entirely possible she just didn't think it through. I don't necessarily think it was a "cry for help" - if so, why steal so much and hide the rest?

Teenagers are much more likely to act on impulse and less likely to think through the wider consequences of their actions so I can well understand a 14 year old girl doing something like this, without really considering the consequences of her actions. They simply haven’t developed the mature mental processing needed to make more rational and sensible decisions, that’s something as parents we have to help them to do, through showing acceptable behaviour and the consequences of poor decision making and impulsiveness.

Seems like it’s a good opportunity to help her learn and develop better thinking and behaviour and if she’s opening up and taking to you, then that has to be a good thing. Hopefully this will be a lesson learned for years to come.

Your staff will put two and two together once they see she's been sacked, they'll know it's her that took it. They won't believe it's a 'counting error'

Pebbles - did you ever steal as much as £500???

It's a good thing she saw the OP get so upset about it - that would rapidly make it feel less like a thrill and more like a sordid secret burning a hole in your pant drawer and conscience.

Don't protect her from the consequences by lying to the staff. It's totally disrespectful to them and pretty pathetic as they will know the truth.

No, but I'm sure I would have done given the opportunity.

OP I’m sorry but I don’t believe her story. If she felt so bad and intended to put it back then why was she getting £50 out at the cinema?! You need to get the bottom of this because until she’s honest with you it won’t stop

But what about your innocent staff you have had the finger of suspicion pointed at them!!

I’ll be honest op, I’m really struggling with this as well. She stole 500quid from her parents and took a fifty out in front of her aunt because she wanted to buy some make up and stuff. I don’t believe this. She would not have taken so much not have take a fifty out at the cinema.

I think you daughter is giving you a simple excuse to fob you off. This was a huge amount of money for her. She knew it was huge. She knew what that money meant to you. She saw you upset. She took a fifty out to pay at the cinema.

I hate to say it, but I’d be even more worried now. I think your child is simply making this go away, she isn’t telling you. And if it was the truth, which I seriously doubt it is, but that she would steal as much as 500 pounds from you to buy make up and stuff, and flash it about at the cinema, then this in itself is deeply concerning.

Does she even have the opportunity to go buy the stuff she’s trying to tell you she thought she would buy? Is it even remotely plausible she could buy, with cash, 500quids worth of stuff and then add in you wouldn’t notice?

She's playing you like a fiddle

I think it was very mean of you to lie about cancelling all clubs because you couldn’t afford it, telling her she’d never work at the farm again when in fact she can etc. Why is it that you imagine telling lies to your daughter is a good way to teach her to be honest?

Something is amiss here and I suspect your relationship with your daughter was fractured long ago.

All those moaning about £3 an hour.
I was 17 and getting 2.11 an hour in 1996, £3 is not that bad, he doesn’t have to do it, but £15 for 5 hours isn’t bad.

I don't think this is over. She stole before.
£500 is not a few bits, its a giant chunk. She could have whipped a fiver from time to time, but no ......

I'm with bluntness here . But I also agree with many pp's who say getting out a 50 quid note is asking to be found out.
Maybe she found it easier to be challenged than 'fess up willingly?

I have no clue as to what is going on. But stealing from the school is a red flag. How long between that and this incident? Sorry if I've missed the timeline. I've tried to keep up to date.

On another angle ,letting you sob and other workers be under suspicion is an aggravating factor.
I think you owe it to your other workers to say your daughter was responsible. And Let them know collectively, they all in the clear.

I'm going to go against everyone here and agree with your DD, when I was 14 I done EXACTLY the same thing but it was £200, stole it from my dad, I was going to riding lessons at the time, once a week, but I wanted more, so i stole the money and took more lessons. I learnt from that and never stole again. There wasn't anything 'deeper' to resolve, I didn't need to be spoken to by the police, I just remember the deep shame I felt and never did I dream of stealing again.

I agree with bluntness too. I don't think stealing that amount is just for random stuff on a whim. A tenner here and there every so often perhaps, but not such a chunk. Especially as she does have the opportunity to earn money too. You sound lovely op, but your daughter sounds like she has told you what you wanted to hear and in quite a calculating manner.

I'm inclined to agree with Bluntness too OP... your daughter has told you what you wanted/needed to hear.. lessons have been learnt... all within 12 hours of being challenged.... that's great but let's not forget... this was no £10.. this was £500 .. she watched you 'question' your loyal Staff and made everyone feel like a uncomfortable... and still said nothing..

Something is making her feel she is entitled to Steal/Take/Pickup whatever she wants... Actions and Consequences... a harsh but necessary lesson in Trust .. Trust once lost is gone forever.. only her honesty can repair the damage ... I do hope given time and effort your DD can begin to explain why she feels the need to take things.... and that you can resolve this in a positive way.. best wishes OP

Agnes, you stole money for horse lessons, something that was within your ability to spend money on and would not be noticeable at home. How many 14 year olds can spend 500in cash on make up and clothes they see bloggers talk about and do so before Xmas?

Physically getting to the shops, finding rhe stuff, bringing it home, and then what ? Hiding it? Hoping the op doesn’t notice she is wearing it? It really doesn’t make sense.

It sounds like attention seeking to me. She stole a large enough amount that it would be sure to be missed. She hid it in a very obvious place and when it wasn't discovered she signposted it by ensuring her aunt saw the £50.00. She confessed as soon as she was confronted and seized the opportunities to ask for a hug and then have a heart to heart talk to her mum the next day. Even her 'reason' doesn't make sense. If she had wanted to buy a few little extras she could have taken much smaller random amounts that would probably have been overlooked.

As a psychotherapist I feel very strongly that if someone is acting out to gain attention the best thing to do is give them that attention. She is having the negative attention in the forms of anger, disapproval, punishment and consequences but as the dust settles over this, continue to give her some extra attention. Talk to her a bit more, make more time for her outside the day to day routine and business. Praise her triumphs and encourage her to try again when she fails at something. Take an interest. I know it's hard (and as a parent I know that listening to teenage angst at the end of a trying day is often the last thing anyone wants to do) but it might mean she doesn't feel the need to grab your attention by stealing or other poor behaviour.

I agree with the others that you have been played. I think this was a wat to get your attention. And you’re still not listening. I didn’t comment last night because I was really upset that you agreed with roundabout that your dd is “really that shallow” and could only find words of anger.