I have just caught my daughter stealing...

[tinymango]

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

tinymango

I don't like children. Not in a sinister way. I would never never be cruel to a child!! However, I never actively want to spend time with a child

Your Reply on another post!! Maybe that's where your problem lies tinymango

I agree with Liinoo, spend theme with her, try and get involved with aspects of her life, obviously you don't want to be velcroed onto her. I think she is genuinely remorseful, however you have to follow through with punishments, and not allow her access in anyway to any money. She probably dident fess up earlier as she did not know how, too ashamed, embarrassed. People who said why you would not trust a teen to pay the window cleaner. I wou,d prefer to pay tradespeople myself, than I am certain they have been paid, and cannot come back and say they were not paid, when you know for certain they were, as you paid them yourself and they know it!

really bad form bringing op's answers to another thread over here. For all you know she could have meant other people's children.

I think the other thread is very telling. Especially when you have a teen who seems to be displaying signs that she is crying out for attention.

Can I ask op how many hours per week do you devote just to your dd and only your dd. Not chatting on the way to something to do with the business. Just the 2 of you off the farm doing something your dd wants to do.

really bad form bringing op's answers to another thread over here. For all you know she could have meant other people's children.

Totally agree, I dislike children also, however I have two of my own and don't dislike them!

Yes most people would want nice things but wouldn’t steal to get them. So I think her morals and values need help.

Also I think the staff have a right to know there is a child thief because they need to be able to keep their own personal items secure.

Sadly I have experience of this. My DS1 has stolen from me many times. In the end we did call the police and they were great, gave him a right bollocking (stays OFF the record though as he was under 18)

Unless you have lived with it, I think it is very hard to understand the complete breakdown in trust that comes from living with a thieving, lying child. You love them, because they are your children, but n the end you trust NOTING that comes out of their mouths, and lock everything away. Its bloody hard ...

Forget the stealing as such.

She's crying out for attention. The very fact that you're thinking of packing her off to someone else for a week says that you're not that fond of her. However awful my child had been, i can't imagine discussing with DH that I didn't want to see her for a week!

You need to fix your relationship. Then she won't steal. Spend some time with her.

Star - utter rubbish. And really quite insulting. "Not that fond"?! Ridiculous.

Fwiw - my dd (16 now, 12 then) once behaved so appallingly that I sent her to school for five days (boarding school). She never behaved that badly again, realised what an impact she'd had on everyone and has gone on to become a happy, settled, weekly boarder. Doesn't mean that I don't love her or that I'm not fond of her.

Someone upthread said the OP had demonstrated "Grade A parenting" - and I agree.

Explain to her in no uncertain terms if she ever does this again that the Police will be called and that she will be disinherited- i.e. Stealing a few hundred will cost her thousands in the long run

I don't think this can be overlooked. She has "stolen" quite seriously twice now , not small things like a nail polish, chocolate bar etc.
I don't believe her "reasons" either, and if the Op does she really is being "played".
Whatever the outcome I think severe threats that you are prepared to carry through should be made. ie If there is any more incidents like this that you as parents will refer this straight to the police (and mean it).
At 14 she knows better and I agree with previous posters this could be for attention.
You owe it to your staff to tell them that she was the culprit, its a matter of respect between you and them after all.
The fact that they will know will do her no harm.

How upsetting for you op. I would keep a very close eye on your dd. You may want to think this is over but my dd stole smaller sums from her younger sister, taking her bank card from her. She would not even admit it when the bank threatened to retrieve cctv.

This was the start of many other issues resulting in us bringing up her two babies, the first of which arrived when she was fifteen.

I am not saying this will happen to you, but all the red flags are there. Why for example did she simply not ask you for the money for the items she wanted to buy or discuss a way to earn money towards them. She was also prepared for your staff to take the blame.

You now must listen to your gut instincts. If an explanation doesn't make sense, then it simply isn't true. My dd strenuously denied everything; your dd admits it but only when caught bang to rights.

Please keep an eye on things including where she goes out to and who with. I speak as someone with a sorry experience.

I think you’ve handled it well OP. Nobody is a perfect parent and nobody’s child is perfect. We’re all doing the best we can. Ignore the judgemental remarks.

OP you are handling it well, I think the shallow comment has been taken out of context. Many teenagers want to have, have have and follow the crowd and that can be described as shallow.
Yes to giving her more attention and I agree with removing the responsibility of access to the safe and such temptation at her fingertips. Yes to remaining sacked - for now- and finding work elsewhere when she's old enough. She should still be expected to help out a bit on the farm, we were and unpaid and everyone else I know from my era was expected to do the same. We weren't kept off school to help with harvest which some were and was completely wrong, just on weekends and holidays as an extension of helping round the house- and much more interesting- as any child should. Tell staff the matter is resolved and thank them for their cooperation in helping with your queries, no need to say who the culprit was, they can probably work it out, you will preserve dignity, respect and trust all round. If you dob your DD in it to staff, can they trust confiding in you in the future if that is your attitude?