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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just caught my daughter stealing...

289 replies

tinymango · 11/11/2017 22:30

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

OP posts:
GothAndTired · 12/11/2017 00:01

How's she doing OP?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 12/11/2017 00:02

I also wouldn’t be sending her to her grandmas.

You all need to be communicating, you can’t do that if she’s not living with you.

ThisTimeItsTrue · 12/11/2017 00:02

How upsetting. I think you've probably handled it well. The fact it's a second offense so to speak means that you need to come down hard. Personally I wouldn't have embellished things i.e. the loan and telling her she will never work for the family again.

I would also give her some reassurance that she can get back on track in future, you don't won't her to think she has ruined everything for evermore. I'd tell her that it will be difficult for you but she can turn things around by never doing anything like this again etc etc...

14 year olds are old enough to know what they are doing but they are still young enough to be really really stupid. This could easily be the last time she ever steals.

ThisTimeItsTrue · 12/11/2017 00:03

BTW I'm baffled as to why she would have the code to the safe.

Imsorrynow · 12/11/2017 00:05

I agree with Original above. Please don’t shame her in front of your staff. I’m not sure how you’ll explain away the ‘missing’ cash but there has got to be another way.
It sounds as though she’s full of remorse - maybe you will get answers tomorrow when everyone has slept on it and the situation is a little calmer. Good luck OP.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/11/2017 00:08

It does sound a bit like a cry for help. Are you very busy with your business? Do you have a lot of time for her? Your first reaction was to palm her off to her granny and she gave herself away to your sister; is she perhaps desperate for attention?

You say that you will sack her and send her off to find another job. It is actually not normal in modern society for 14 year olds to work. I get that in a hard working farming family you may have a different culture, but is it possible she is resentful of her lot. Is she comparing herself to friends and feeling she is "owed" something?

AuditAngel · 12/11/2017 00:08

My 13 yo has just done his first evening's work in one of my husband's family's businesses. He earnt £15 for 5 hours work in the kitchen (my husband was incredibly proud of how hard he worked, especially as he was out all day at the Lord Mayor's show)

frogsoup · 12/11/2017 00:11

When I was a child (maybe 8 or 9 or so, old enough to know better) I stole a pound from my dad. He had a huge long talk with me. He explained to me what a pound meant in value terms, how hard he had to work and how it impacted on the family budget (obviously it didn't hugely, it being only a quid, but he explained the principle). He talked about trust, etc etc. At the end, he let me keep the pound. It did not feel good - I think I may have actually thrown it away, so tainted with guilt did it feel. It was such a clever strategy - I don't think I have ever knowingly stolen anything since that day. I'm obviously not suggesting you let her keep the money (!), but equally I don't think coming down hard is going to have the consequence you want. I think you need to think outside the box somehow. She was obviously wanting to be caught, you don't need a psychology degree to see that. When you've both calmed down, I think you need to really think hard about what would really have an effect, not just what will make her feel bad. I'd venture that feeling bad was probably why she took it in the first place.

DunedinGirl · 12/11/2017 00:11

The window cleaner story is not a particularly well-thought out one given the amount she stole...I wonder whether she's actually needing you to call her out on that too.

I think perhaps it would be beneficial for her and you to all have a session or two with a counsellor of mediator type person rather than going straight to the police. I also think a bit of 'community service' might be in order- but nothing where she is in a position to be tempted to steal again.

haveacupoftea · 12/11/2017 00:11

Quite frankly you have gone wrong somewhere as a parent and you need to figure out where. It sounds like she's been denied money for any 'luxuries' for a long time whilst still working. Ask yourself how can you help her? Hint: humiliating and pushing her away isn't likely to help.

SandyY2K · 12/11/2017 00:15

Don't involve the police. Don't humiliate her in front of the staff. You can let them know the money has been located. If anything else goes missing they'll assume it's her.

I think you did a great job. You need the truth from her.... it wasn't a mistake on her part.

It's hard ... but try and let her know you love her.... but you dislike what she's done and she's disappointed you and her dad.

I know you pushed her away in anger.... but in the morning ... let her know it was out if hurt and disappointment in her actions you did it.

Maybe she'll talk more with justv you and her.

You've every right to be angry.... please don't think I'm minimising.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 12/11/2017 00:15

Oh yes, family farms Hmm

My Dh had a shit childhood working every single weekend and every single school “holiday” from the age of 9. He’s had many issues as an adult and I persuaded him to go for therapy. He’s in his sixth year and it all boils down to his parents and the “childhood” he never really had.

Not saying the Op is as bad but it really is a different world for a lot of children being brought up on family farms.

dataandspot · 12/11/2017 00:16

Audit

You pay £3 an hour?!

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 12/11/2017 00:20

OP “She gets a few pound every week for helping us out on the farm”

How many hours does she work for those “few pounds”?

Does she want to work in the farm?

Apileofballyhoo · 12/11/2017 00:20

Sounds like she's desperate for some kind of attention. Maybe she has a love/hate going with the farm. Hope everything goes ok tomorrow, OP. She possibly won't even be able to explain why she did it.

It's obvious she knew it would be missed, she didn't hide it very well, and she pulled out a 50 rather than keeping it to herself. She sounds very mixed up and unhappy.

AuntAntigone · 12/11/2017 00:20

I'm very sorry you're in this horrible situation OP. Is she maybe trying to keep up with rich friends? What's the background of most children at her school?

What would worry me more is not just what she did, but the lying about it afterwards. I think she needs therapy- sounds like she's doing it maybe for attention? It's not like you wouldn't have noticed.

Pushing her away is not the thing to do here- don't call the police, and certainly don't banish her to her granny's.

I would sit her down and say "DD, you know we both love you very much, and we want you to be happy. I know you realise that behaving like this is not ok, but you've obviously got some motivation to behave in this way. Is something bothering you right now? You can tell us anything and we promise not to shout..."

There's a good chance that she'll shrug, because she's fourteen. In that case, say "Right, if you don't feel comfortable talking to us about it, we'll arrange for you to talk to somebody impartial instead".

HTH

BluePheasant · 12/11/2017 00:29

Agree with others, £500 is such a lot to take and surely she can’t have thought it would go unnoticed? Now you’ve done the angry bit, you need to have a real heart to heart and find out what on earth she was thinking.

washingmachinefastwash · 12/11/2017 00:30

How many hours does she do for her “few pounds”

Does she want to work on the farm?

I also agree with others about not humiliating her in front of the other staff.

Charolais · 12/11/2017 00:32

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Are you judging all family farms based on your husband’s experience with his family?

We have a family farm, as do all the people around here. The farm has been in the family since the 1880’s and it is a really wholesome childhood for the kids. My husband and his siblings had great childhoods and did our son. They not only have the freedom of thousands of acres to play in, but they learn responsibility. It’s also a very lucrative business by the way.

ThisTimeItsTrue · 12/11/2017 00:45

dataandspot. National minimum wage doesn't apply to family members living in the same house so AuditAngels 'proud' DH can legally employ his son and pay him £3 an hour (hopefully he's checked his employers liability too)

Personally I think paying someone £15 for 5 hours kitchen work is very questionable. I wonder what the other staff think. Hmm

DillyDilly · 12/11/2017 00:46

I think it would be a step too far to tell your employees that it was your DD that took the money. Do that and the damage to your relationship will never be repaired. Also 14/15 is a very vulnerable age - be careful and keep a close eye on your DD - you’ve been quite harsh with her - have you asked her why she took the money ?

If she’s in school, where does she get the time for farm work after school and why force her to get an after school job ? Sending her to her Gran’s is an awful thing to do.

I have a feeling that there’s more to this than your DD simply taking the money.

DillyDilly · 12/11/2017 00:54

And where do you think your 14 yo will get a part-time job ?

I think you’re handling of the situation hasn’t been your finest hour. Pushing a 14 yo away when they wanted a hug.

DillyDilly · 12/11/2017 00:57

I suppose your comment earlier on another thread saying you don’t like children or spending time with them says it all really.

Katedotness1963 · 12/11/2017 01:09

I agree with the poster saying you should change the safe code. I wouldn't give any of the children the access to the safe.

RavingRoo · 12/11/2017 01:11

It seems like a compulsion. My bet is she’s been stealing little things you haven’t noticed. I totally agree with the punishments you gave, but at 14 I think she needs to see a therapist who is skilled at dealing with addictions and compulsions.

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