I have just caught my daughter stealing...

[tinymango]

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

Change the safe code AND put a nannycam covering the safe so if there's a next time, you can see exactly who has accessed the safe and when they did.

While you have all her tech, go through her phone, computer, tablet, whatever and read all her emails, whatsapps, messages and social media to see if there's any evidence of her being forced or even coerced to steal that amount of money. Is she being bullied, did she do it to impress anyone else, has anyone suggested she should "treat" a group of "friends" by buying them lots of things they want then they will let her be part of their group. (they would drop her like a hot stone once the gifts dried up, but she wouldn't know that) So much goes on these days and kids can be under so much peer- pressure to do all sorts of things they don't want to do and these are things that parents never see, because they never check what the kids are doing online. Something that may seem really trivial to an adult may be a huge deal to a 14 year old who is trying to "fit in" at school or with a social group or with a boyfriend or potential boyfriend.

What she's done is very stupid and very selfish. Why she did it is what you need to find the answer to, because until you know why, you'll not be able to help her.

Think it's dreadful to think of sending her away for this.

Just putting this out there, I think she knew full well she would be caught when getting £50 out. Which would mean she's communicating something else by her actions.

How is she generally at the moment?

Also, I feel she still needs to know she's loved, as well as the fact you're angry.

She's been sent next door to grans, hardly "away" is it?

Yes, I think that next door, to gran's, is away.

Like the others said, you need to find out why she took it. It's alot of money. She probably needed that hug, may have helped her owning up. She's reaching out to you, so, if it were me, I couldn't push her away

Agree with find out why she stole. My first reaction to your first post was, "how much does she earn per hour?" She may (rightly or wrongly) see other people she thinks are doing the same amount of work and they are being paid more.

My first thought is does she get much attention and is she attention seeking?

Also she needs a job outside of the farm to really really connect work with earning cash. She may see the farm cash as family money so not seriously bad stealing, more like pinching mums lipstick. So get her a paper round or washing up job.

I would be inclined to spend time with her rather then shut her off at grans. Take her for a days rambling just you and her. Really talk and walk. Get to the bottom of things. Don’t spend too much cash on the walk.

Shocked at those suggesting she stole because she doesn't get enough luxuries
Are you off your heads?

Yes I think that’s a very simplistic view. Stealing because she doesn’t get enough luxuries. Lots of children have little and don’t steal. I think it’s deeper then that. Although I do think she needs to have a deeper understanding of the value of money (working outside of the farm).

What are her morals like?

How much is a few pound and how many hours is she expected to do?

And why does she have access to the safe at her age?

Just putting this out there, I think she knew full well she would be caught when getting £50 out. Which would mean she's communicating something else by her actions.
Just seen some on the posts since I said this. Just to clarify, I definitely wouldn't think it would be communicating something about needing more money, or luxuries.

i would get professional help for her. she is crying out for help

I feel quite sorry for the OP's Dd. She is literally reaching out to you. With the money and the wanting a hug. I bet there several more signs of her unhappiness tbat you havent noticed either.
Awaits flaming with internet🔥

Not quite sorry very sorry

You really really should have hugged her. My dd knows whatever she does or says, she can get a hug. It’s part of having a secure attachment with her parents.

I didn’t have that or much of any relevance and I can tell you it’s incredibly painful and soul destroying. I grew up hating myself. Is that what you want for your daughter? She really can’t have much respect for herself to be stealing in such a regular way.

So for me, your dd isn’t doing this for no reason. Rejecting her at the end of informing her what her consequences risks giving her the impression she’s worthless and will do nothing for either her self esteem or give her any reason not to steal again.

Now what you need to be doing is discovering where you as a parent have gone wrong. You’re blaming a 14 yo for her behaviour without looking at what lead to the behaviour in the first place.

The problem with the approach you took is that your dd isn’t going to be willing to work with you to heal where things have gone wrong. I actually think you’ve now got some apologising to do to get things back on the right track.

It does seem a rather odd situation that she would take £500 and somehow think it wouldn't be missed and is prepared to wave a £50 note around as if it's no big deal.... stealing is stealing and requires suitable punishment regardless, but she appears to have little concept of the true value of money.

My son (admittedly younger at 13) recently stole sone notes out of a small cash pot I have in the house.

As soon as I discovered it, I knew it was him, I text him to say I knew and that he would have the opportunity to come to me and explain himself and return it without punishments it was a first time offence.
He called me and asked me to go and get him after school (which he never does) and as soon as he got in the car the flood gates opened, he’s been being bullied for being poor because he only takes in £3 a day lunch money and doesn’t care for fashion so doesn’t have the latest trainers/wallet/phone.

There might be a bigger reason behind this OP.

I agree with the people saying you need to try and find out why she took it, if you can. It was so obvious she wouldn’t get away with it that it does look like a cry for help.

You were right to stay calm and serious and not shout - well done. I’d have hugged her though

What a mess. I’d be SO angry but I also think there’s more to this. My children are much younger and I’m much older (!) but wouldn’t a typical 14 year old know that getting out £50 at the cinema would see her busted? In which case I agree with others that she wanted to be caught.

I also agree with posters saying don’t tell the other staff with her there. If nothing else that would make them massively awkward too (it would me). You say they’re like family but they really don’t need to be dragged in to this drama. Tell them you’ve recovered the money (I think they’ll know where you found it, especially if there’s a change in how you treat your daughter around cash etc so you might as well tell them where).

And then the focus should be on consequences as mentioned above - you can’t trust her so she’ll have to be supervised at work. And getting to the bottom of why she did this. You mention your sister taking her to the cinema - do they have a good relationship and might she open up to her?

Good luck. It sounds awful. I’m sorry.

Sorry to ask, but how much money does she earn per week?

Think you handled it really well! But I think your daughter needs to apologise to the other members of staff who were under suspicion of theft!! Sorry but a 14 year old knows what they are doing.

Some people talk out their arises. Like Jeremy Kyle lets get graham out

Not everybody who does something naughty is fucked up needing councilling