I have just caught my daughter stealing...

[tinymango]

Long story short. Please I need advice quickly.

My husband & I run a small farm that works in cash with a handful of staff we consider family. We have a small safe that holds the day to day money and I lodge it every Wednesday and Friday.

I lodged Wednesday & everything totalled. Lodged again yesterday and we were £500 out. The receipts book wasn't making sense and I started to get a bad feeling. Was still investigating today calling staff and checking for deliveries. My husband & I made a really big deal about it as the safe had been opened and closed with the code (so very deliberate) and everyone (including the children) has been asked. My daughter also seen me very upset.

My sister took my 14yo daughter and my niece out tonight to the pictures. I gave her £20 to cover the costs but, my sister text me and said my daughter had pulled out a £50 note at the till to check if I had given it to her.

It clicked right away. I went straight to her room and found the remaining money in her pants drawer hidden away at the bottom.

My husband & I don't know how to go forward with this... She was supposed to be staying with by sister but, I have asked she is brought home after. My daughter has had a history of stealing items and this has always been dealt with (I thought successfully) but, never ever money.

She's an habitual thief. Call the police and get it sorted, otherwise she'll be stealing from you for the rest of your life.

Ok, I’m going to go against the grain a bit here

£500 is such a lot of money and having a £50 note in front of her aunt who is sure to notice (when you had already given her £20) - surely that’s got to be some sort of cry for help (whether conscious or subconsciously). If she was stealing for the money she would have taken smaller amounts that are less likely to be noticed

I think you need to have an honest, calm chat with her about what’s going on in her life and why she felt the need to take the money. I also think you need to set up some counselling for her ASAP

Please don’t come down on her too hard tonight or throw her out of the house until you hear what is really going on x

It depends on what will punish her most (she needs to be punished). Is it enough that you are upset? If so be 'upset' with her for a very long time. Does she have a lot of pride? Make her make a public apology in front of everyone involved. Is she very materialistic? Permanently reduce her allowance because of this. Is she lazy? Make her work £500 worth of hours on your farm.

I agree with the poster who said not to reveal that you know, and discuss how you are going to have to take it out of everyone's wages, give her a chance to feel some real guilt and hope that she owns up. If she doesn't, enormous, earth shattering bollocking and restorative justice

It sounds like you did a good job OP. Stay strong and hope that this is a wake-up call for her.

Please, please keep checking on her tonight. Don't let her do anything silly. I know it was a huge amount of money and a terrible thing to do, and I can see why you were hard on her, but she sounds as though she was absolutely distraught and you laid it on very thickly.

Why does every thread have to have a councillor suggested?

A 14 year old stole the money lied, I'm sure she will stop the lies soon and tell her parent's why.

Yikes. I think you've handled it really who so far OP. I really feel for you, especially when you didn't hug her back. She needs to be scared

Sorry, just seen update. Sounds like you have had a truly horrible day, OP. X

Yes you need to make her really feel what £500 is in value. Presumably you have recovered some of the money, she has to either sell her stuff ( eBay it) to make up the difference or make her work Until it’s repaid. One of my kids ran up a huge phone bill on their teens. We sat down with them and explained our family budget. How much we paid for rates electric mortgage etc and how long we each worked to earn the money for that and how much extra we would have to work to pay the phone bill. That worked!
The other issue is lying about it. She must have known the Money was missing, it must have stressed the other staff you have? Make her apologise to them. Perhaps if you are particularly close to them ( You describe them as like family) one could talk to her and explain how suspicions fall on everyone when stuff like this happens.
My son in law always tells a tale about how he Stole £10 out of the till when he had a Saturday job. He got caught but instead of sacking him the manager sat him down in the back room and explained to him not to be so stupid. He was a good bright kid and he could blight his life with this stuff, he told him he was going to trust him and he knew he wouldn’t let him down. It made a deep impression on him because it wasn’t his parents if that makes sense.
Good luck x

I think you've handled it well. I have a feeling this is something she'll remember for the rest of her life.

She must have wanted to be caught though otherwise she wouldn’t have pulled out the £50 , there has got to be more to this . I can understand why you are so cross OP but I wouldn’t leave it like this tonight , she’s obviously a very troubled girl , for whatever reason and god forbid if she did something horrendous in the night when you’ve all gone to sleep so upset and without a hug and some resolution . Fortunately I’ve never had this kind of bother with mine but I wouldn’t be able to go to bed and leave it with her possibly thinking you don’t love her .

Is she adopted?

@dontmakemeshushyou I will don't worry! I can hear her getting ready for bed. I'll pop my head in once she's tucked up to make sure she's settled.

@dirtywindows No she is our biological child and an only child!

Please do not tell the staff she did it with her standing in front of them.

You’ve sacked her. You are going to tell them she did it. She knows they will all know it was her. Making her stand in front of them is a step too far.

And as others have said including me, she knew she was going to be caught. Why would anyone do that? You need to find out what’s going on.

Do keep an eye on her tonight. In fact I’d go in now and just ask her why?

I would let her stew on all that has been said..Tomorrow get answers of what she was going to do with the £500 as the window cleaners is BS as you know.

Tell her no way forward while she is still lying.

My only concern in what you have said..Are you cancelling her clubs forever? Are you going to not employ her otherwise she learns that once you calm she will get back to where she was

Completely agree with the posters who say that you need to find out why she is stealing because to be honest producing such a large denomination in front of her Aunt seems like some attention seeking behavior and possibly a cry for help. I'm genuinely dumbfounded at some posters suggesting that you use the police force as a parenting service.

It sounds like you have dealt with it well and want to help her.

But, please, do not shame her in front of the staff. That, to me, is a step too far. Punishment needs to be tough, but shaming her would be beyond punishment and to me, serves no other purpose than to embarrass her.

She will have reasons for why she did this and you need to get to the bottom of it. The lasting threat should be, if she ever does anything like this again, you will call the police.

I also agree that ritually humiliating her in front of staff could be incredibly damaging. You need to ensure that your daughter has confidence in you that if she's in some sort of trouble she can come to you for help and tell you the truth about the situation.

Sorry to have asked without explaining- it’s very common for adopted kids to steal and it’s to do with their early losses.

Sorry to be harsh, but I find it really really concerning that even after being caught red handed she is still lying about it,the story about the window cleaner is quite ridiculous. “I accidentally took ten £50 notes out to pay the window cleaner a tenner, and it mysteriously found its way into my underwear drawer.”

I’m afraid I wouldn’t have any sympathy for her tears, she is crying because she got caught, you took her phone and she is in trouble, if she was actually sorry she wouldn’t be continuing to lie about it.

I’m not surprised her Dad is angry, particularly as this is not the first time.

She didn’t steal it because she needed it, she stole it because she could.

You have handled it well so far, please continue to be strong and don’t let her off too easily. You have to be hard on her because if she continues to steal it will have repercussions for her future.

Agree don't shame her in front of the staff. If she was a real employee you would sack her and that would be that. It is a kind of abuse to shame her further than that just because she is your daughter and you can.

Go and tell her you still love her but you're hurt and angry. She's made a big, stupid mistake but I wouldn't humiliate her by naming her while she stands in front of the staff. There's no way she could have believed she'd get away with this so finding out why is the most important thing.

I would be most concerned about what she intended to do with the money.

Is she being bullied? Getting mixed up in drugs? Or was it a crazy impulse that went wrong.

She hasn't spent any of the money yet and was going to use some at the cinema so obviously didn't need to whole £500

I would give her an opportunity in the morning to explain why it happened. Be calm and reasonable. She will probably try to twist it in her head so she is the victim. No one likes to think that badly of themselves. So don't play into that.

Explain that she could have cost someone their job. Everyone was under suspicion and you were one step away from calling the police. If they had discovered what had happened by searching the house then you couldn't have protected her. Any future career could have been at risk. Her name in the local paper.