Ugh, this is really difficult. Have NC obviously.
I have a great marriage, been with my DH a long time. 2 young kids, bought a house recently, we get on brilliantly and have a great sex life now. However, there have been times where we haven't had sex at all for a while - I have an illness that causes a lot of bleeding and pelvic pain, and a few times while I've been waiting for surgery and in constant pain we haven't had any physical relationship at all for months at a time. We love each other very much so this has been difficult but separating has never been a consideration.
I know he uses porn a lot when we are not having sex regularly. TBH I'm not overjoyed about that but it is what it is - I wish he could get by without it but have never criticised or asked him not to, since I knew he needed to take care of things at times when I couldn't, so we just didn't talk about it. I do know from the comments he's made that he's into voyeuristic stuff.
Last year after my pregnancy we weren't having sex for a while (exhaustion, pumping plus feeling generally gross and hormones all over the place).i was feeling massively insecure about my body and this was made worse knowing he was looking at unrealistically attractive women having sex all the time. I did get upset about it but didn't raise it for a while, until it all came out that I felt massively inadequate and didn't feel I could compete with those women with my gross post-baby body. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't like that, his porn use was purely functional and habit, and he would much rather be having sex with me, or watching videos of me (we made one once, but he deleted it pretty quickly as was really paranoid about it being seen by someone else or getting out somehow which I massively appreciate).
Anyway, during this discussion in an attempt to underline his point, he told me something that I'm really struggling to get past. He told me that, when we went on holiday the previous year (I was about 16 weeks pregnant at the time), he had filmed me without my knowledge when I got out of the shower. There was nothing sexual, just me walking around, probably naked for part of it, getting ready, and he had used that instead of porn until he decided to delete it shortly afterwards. He said he's never done anything like that before or since (in fairness at the time I hadn't been naked in front of him for a good while so he wouldn't have had the chance), and swears it was quickly deleted (I believe this based on how paranoid he has been about other people seeing photos / video taken consensually and therefore how quickly he's deleted them - and often told me later how he's regretted getting rid of them). He said he now feels really awful about it as he knows it was really out of line, but he thought if I knew that then I would understand that I'm not competing with anyone else. I mean, it wasn't even sexual, but clearly it was to him.
We are now back to having an excellent sex life, very frequently other than during my periods which are very painful and heavy and therefore a no go area.
I'm just still concerned that he did it, and while I appreciate him telling me about it I am a bit stunned that he thought this would make me feel better. Since then I've noticed he's been very careful not to have his phone in his hand while I've been getting changed etc, I guess to make it clear he's not doing it again. It does seem like this was a one off mistake which he regrets and wouldn't repeat but I'm worried this is just really naive!
Can this really be a one off borne from desperation? Is it really just a fuck up? Should I be concerned about it or let it go? It's mainly the lack of consent that's bothering me (he has never ever ignored my consent before or since, in any way), along with the mild horror of not ever knowing what was on that video, what I must have looked like etc. I know he would never physically violate my consent during sex - if he wanted to do that he's had plenty of opportunity during times I've been unable which is why I find this so confusing.
He genuinely is a brilliant husband and father and I definitely wouldn't leave him over this, i truly believe he hasn't done it again or before that and that the video is gone. I just can't shake the discomfort at it happening in the first place.
I suspect others opinions will be varied but could never ask any RL friends so here we are. If you had a great marriage and this happened, would you just write it off as a mistake, or something more?