Filmed without my knowledge by DH

[SoEmbarrassing]

Ugh, this is really difficult. Have NC obviously.

I have a great marriage, been with my DH a long time. 2 young kids, bought a house recently, we get on brilliantly and have a great sex life now. However, there have been times where we haven't had sex at all for a while - I have an illness that causes a lot of bleeding and pelvic pain, and a few times while I've been waiting for surgery and in constant pain we haven't had any physical relationship at all for months at a time. We love each other very much so this has been difficult but separating has never been a consideration.

I know he uses porn a lot when we are not having sex regularly. TBH I'm not overjoyed about that but it is what it is - I wish he could get by without it but have never criticised or asked him not to, since I knew he needed to take care of things at times when I couldn't, so we just didn't talk about it. I do know from the comments he's made that he's into voyeuristic stuff.

Last year after my pregnancy we weren't having sex for a while (exhaustion, pumping plus feeling generally gross and hormones all over the place).i was feeling massively insecure about my body and this was made worse knowing he was looking at unrealistically attractive women having sex all the time. I did get upset about it but didn't raise it for a while, until it all came out that I felt massively inadequate and didn't feel I could compete with those women with my gross post-baby body. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't like that, his porn use was purely functional and habit, and he would much rather be having sex with me, or watching videos of me (we made one once, but he deleted it pretty quickly as was really paranoid about it being seen by someone else or getting out somehow which I massively appreciate).

Anyway, during this discussion in an attempt to underline his point, he told me something that I'm really struggling to get past. He told me that, when we went on holiday the previous year (I was about 16 weeks pregnant at the time), he had filmed me without my knowledge when I got out of the shower. There was nothing sexual, just me walking around, probably naked for part of it, getting ready, and he had used that instead of porn until he decided to delete it shortly afterwards. He said he's never done anything like that before or since (in fairness at the time I hadn't been naked in front of him for a good while so he wouldn't have had the chance), and swears it was quickly deleted (I believe this based on how paranoid he has been about other people seeing photos / video taken consensually and therefore how quickly he's deleted them - and often told me later how he's regretted getting rid of them). He said he now feels really awful about it as he knows it was really out of line, but he thought if I knew that then I would understand that I'm not competing with anyone else. I mean, it wasn't even sexual, but clearly it was to him.

We are now back to having an excellent sex life, very frequently other than during my periods which are very painful and heavy and therefore a no go area.

I'm just still concerned that he did it, and while I appreciate him telling me about it I am a bit stunned that he thought this would make me feel better. Since then I've noticed he's been very careful not to have his phone in his hand while I've been getting changed etc, I guess to make it clear he's not doing it again. It does seem like this was a one off mistake which he regrets and wouldn't repeat but I'm worried this is just really naive!

Can this really be a one off borne from desperation? Is it really just a fuck up? Should I be concerned about it or let it go? It's mainly the lack of consent that's bothering me (he has never ever ignored my consent before or since, in any way), along with the mild horror of not ever knowing what was on that video, what I must have looked like etc. I know he would never physically violate my consent during sex - if he wanted to do that he's had plenty of opportunity during times I've been unable which is why I find this so confusing.

He genuinely is a brilliant husband and father and I definitely wouldn't leave him over this, i truly believe he hasn't done it again or before that and that the video is gone. I just can't shake the discomfort at it happening in the first place.

I suspect others opinions will be varied but could never ask any RL friends so here we are. If you had a great marriage and this happened, would you just write it off as a mistake, or something more?

Nothing to do with self esteem, just security in my relationship. I know i'm a bigger girl, OH started dating me regardless. I like the fact he doesn't need fake shit to get him going. If any other bloke filmed me i'd break his legs 👍🏻

I guess you need to work which part upsets you most. Is it the fact he filmed you? The fact he didn't tell you he was filming?

@mustbemad17 - it's about consent. If the OP's husband had asked her, then this would be a total non-issue. It's the getting off on taking that footage of her without her permission. Why didn't he ask her? Because he thought she'd say no? But he decided his desire to have that footage was more important than whether or not she would consent to it. And the fact that she didn't consent is part of the thrill. I'm afraid this betrays some deeply unpleasant attitudes towards women.

And 'bigger girl'? Whatever you might think, you have self-esteem issues because you just described yourself as less attractive than a thinner woman.

he lied to you-plain and simple. he filmed you naked. he lied very very well to you. i can tell from your response that youre holding on to the him you knew-you keep saying its isolated incident, hes a terrible liar, but you know know this to be untrue. you only found out because he chose to divulge it!there seems to be a disparity between the him you know and the rest.and feeling terrible about it?tons of horrific doings have remorse at the end, certainly stops few.no doubt if you did take advice and get his hardrive raided-he would have felt terrible about whats on there-eating him up inside. im cynical. i can see that-but i truly believe this could easily be tip of iceberg-and seeing as you have young children and a future tothink of, id get damn proof before he realises youre looking for it..before you brush it in the "isolated violation" bin. and repeat that phrase. isolated violation. doesnt sound right does it. because violations are not usually isolated-and of this nature they are not accidents but premeditated.
in my experience, ive not had this happen, but other smaller violations-and the it will never happen again-i wasnever TOLD again. i later found trackers on my phones, emails. everywhere. so realising he couldnt risk getting caught looking at my stuff he found another way to get away with it.once someone knows they can violate and keep you. that sticks. if you give him merry hell-hell be even sneakier next time.

I am not trying to justify what he did - I have a problem with it which is why I posted. I was doubting my reaction to it, and wondered what other people would feel. I agree that I find it very alarming that other people would find it flattering.

I'm in a bit of a no win situatjon here in defending the rest of his behaviour because no matter what I say it will appear like I'm naive or too trusting or an abuse victim, but I swear that's not the case. Not even slightly.

Why didn't he ask? I suspect because he knew I would say no - being pregnant and feeling fat and unattractive. And yes it concerns me that he did it anyway, hence why I'm upset. If I had even the slightest suspicion that it had happened more than once or that its something he was hiding from me, believe me I'd be turning detective but I don't believe that at all. We share one computer, one log in. I don't believe for a second that it's full of dodgy stuff but there's certainly nothing to stop me looking.

I believe him because I was there when we discussed it, and because I know him very well. This was out of character, hence my confusion.

Jiggly at what point did i say i was less attractive than a thinner woman?? Just because i'm a bigger girl doesn't mean i hide away in shame & believe me i have no issues standing next a thinner woman & feeling absolutely fine in myself! But every bloke has a type; if they say they don't they are lying. My OH prefers slightly bigger women to the skinny ass models on porn sites; so for me, him preferring to watch me over them to get himself going is a massive compliment. Not everything is about low self esteem!!

OP hasn't actually said which bit - or all of it - she is bothered by (unless i've missed it). She has already said she knows he won't post it anywhere, so that clearly isn't an issue. Unless you actually know what part of the scenario bugs you how can you deal with it?? Everyone is so quick to scream abuse; could be that her OH adores the bones off her & prefers to see her than the fakes on his porn sites!!

Worries me he's making a point of not being near his phone when your naked. False sense of security I think he's lulling you into, whilst he gets the thrill of all your trust but being a flattering husband sneaky twat

SoEmbarrassing - one thing I have noticed about posters on Mumsnet is that far from getting clarity the OP seems to get an avalanche of views from both ends of the spectrum from people who clearly have their own agendas. I have no agenda. Only you know your DH and only you can discuss this with him and decide. That your post has attracted such diverse responses just illustrates this is not clear cut. You could be on either side of the argument or from your own replies more likely in the middle. If it is tormenting you then talk further to your DH about it. I wouldn’t waste more time on here.

Only you two can deal with it I guess. If it's the trust element that upsets you, sit down & tell him. If it's the whole filming thing, ditto. You've said he isn't controlling or abusive, & he appears to have taken a step back knowing how anxious/upset it has made you; just be honest with him

The voyeurism he is wanking over online is other women filmed without their consent. He has a pretty shit attitude towards women, including you. This will not be the first time he filmed you or the last, he has little respect for women's boundaries.

Some 'voyeur' porn sites are actually faked a lot nowadays...

he is into voyeuristic porn. that says unsuspecting right?he has just proven that to you by filming you without knowledge voyeuring without consent for kicks. chances are the porn is the same. its probably unsuspecting wives/girlfriends. i dont agree its hysterical response to say we would leave-someone getting off on filming you secretly naked is not just not putting the toilet seat down!
im still utterly confused as to why you trust a man youve found out did this? how? what makes you know it isnt being distributed, he has already admitted he like watching others-unsuspecting i suspect. this is huge. not some minor misdemeanor of a marriage. had he asked to film-no issue. had he asked to upload and you said wahtever-no issue. the whole point was that you didnt know,, thats what he got off on. that there is the scary bit. having any shred of trust that it it isolated-isnt uploaded, one off, not that bad, the only time-doesnt that just evaporate when he has lied in the first place? how do you believe someone thats lied in front of you.

You are kidding yourself, get real.

read the riot act?
this is not teling off a naughty schoolboy. this is finding out he crossed a woman he love's boundaries without her consent, showing he has no respect for her, her feelings, her privacy, her boundaries, her body,
screaming abuse im not, but that act was abusive. plain and simple. im not saying he is all out abusive, no..but this was and my god should she be ultra thorough in making sure this is and was a one -off and sharing a computer means nothing, divisions are easy to make and hide. im saying be smart. this is a massive red flag, investigate to your full capability,
please dont get me wrong, i realise you love him and this is out of character, and he seems genuinly remorseful. but women have to be smart-partners can be incredible in masking things they do and think. my gut is telling me he has a problem with finding watching unsuspecting intimate moments erotic-kind of peeping tom, is ashamed or worried to show you that that iswhat he looks at, and its spilt to using your body for that fix. that you were pregnant felt fat-etc..is actually so much worse-so you were especially vulnerable and feeling especially nervous about your body when he did it.
had you put on sexy underwear it would have actually seemed less bad - i can only say what i would do..which is get a professional in to scour that com[puter-get your hands on his mobile if you need to. youve got a lot to lose and i get that. i personally probably wouldnt need anymore proof of creepiness id be dust. but if i was losing a lot and it was so so out of who you think he is, and worried youd act too harshly id be informed of the full extent before i made a decision..id try and prove it to myself. the reason we are polarised is clear to me, but that pit of your stomach feeling is never ever one to take lightly and brush away. be smart, you found this out, now be thorough before you continue to trust this personx

justpointing out you didnt have the slightest suspician he would film you in secret-that turned out to be wrong

the fact you doubted your reaction is why everyones jumping on that-doubting how bad a violation this is is excatly the point. the fact he did it and you cant just get past it. that is your gut trying to tell you and warn you. to NOT believe everything he says.

All you women who think is is flattering and NBD have very fucked up boundaries!

OP this isn't a small issue. He sat on the bed and filmed you without your knowledge and consent. That's massive. You say he watches porn but this doesn't have anything to do with this behaviour- I beg to differ. He gets his kicks watching filmed abuse and he particularly enjoys scenes of voyeurism. His dysfunction has now spilled out into your life.

The only way I would stay with a man who did that would be if he was scrupulously honest with me and himself about his motivations, gave up porn entirely and went to see a therapist. Otherwise no way.

This is illegal. You could go to the police and report him. Maybe you should tell your partner this. Not flattering, but degrading and abusive.

mustbemad - you said "I know i'm a bigger girl, OH started dating me regardless." And the clear implication is that your OH could have chosen a thinner woman than you but he chose you despite the fact that you're a 'bigger girl' (actually, I assume you're not a girl, you're a woman).

It's not just the filming you that is horrible. It's the planning, the filming, the watching it back over and over again when he knew that you would not and did not consent OP. I could not get over that. He knew your boundaries and he didn't care about them.

Mustbemad17 - I actually think you are quite sane

Yeah, started dating me regardless of being able to choose skinnier women. That doesn't mean i have self image/esteem issues; it means i am confident in the knowledge that he prefers my body over the fake minis that most pornos seem to include.

Roweami don't say that too loud...the men in white coats might chase you too 😉

Okay, I couldn't sit dwelling on this all night so I just brought it up and we've had a long talk about it.

Firstly, I am 100% sure that there isn't any footage of me on the internet. 100% sure. He pointed out a few things from our history that i hadn't really thought about, conversations we've had in the past and so on and it's something he would never do, not least because he would actively dislike for other people to see me naked. So that's not something I was concerned about or worry about in any way.

My questions were whether this really was a one off, why he did it, why he didn't tell me about it, and whether he's watching stuff like this where people are filmed without their knowledge.

He said it was absolutely a one off - it wasn't something he'd considered or planned, he was just there with his phone, I was naked, he didn't think too much about it as he didn't think it would really be an issue. It's not like I'm really a walking around naked kind of person, it only happened in that scenario because we were in a hotel room with a bathroom in it, and honestly I doubt he would have had many opportunities to do it before or since even if he had wanted to (which I don't think he did). He said that, very wrongly, getting my permission didn't occur to him, that he deleted it the following morning before we left the hotel (fear that his phone would get lost / stolen, going back to his not wanting anyone else to see it). Then he basically forgot all about it until the later discussion where it was brought up. He said that my reaction to it at that stage made him realise what a shitty and fucked up thing it was that he did, and how he is now completely mortified that it ever happened and he wishes he could take it back. We've been talking a lot recently about consent, male entitlement and behaviour and I've spoken to him about assaults I've experienced that I'd never told him or anyone else about before. He has really been thinking about how he's behaved in the past, and realising that some of his behaviour has been completely wrong, with this being the worst of it.

I asked him outright if he was seeking out porn like this. He said absolutely not. He showed me his search history, which I've never looked at before - not the most fun I've ever had but certainly nothing unusual or concerning there.

He's gutted that he did this and it has affected my trust in him. I appreciate this may sound like I've been completely taken in but as I've said before, I know him and nothing I can say can convey that he's being genuine.

He's under no illusions about how much this has bothered me and I fully believe he won't do it again. I definitely do not find it flattering and it has affected my trust in him, but given that I have absolutely no reason to distrust him otherwise and have had no other negative experiences in our long relationship together, I need to get past it. I am glad we discussed it further though and I do appreciate the input.

In your first post you said he kept the video and he used it as porn for a while but you've said above he deleted it the next morning. Sounds like he isn't entirely honest about this.

Oh and I'm not saying for a second that porn had nothing to do with this. Of course it does. That shit is destructive and hideous. I've told him that needs to stop and he agrees so we are going to work on that.

No he used it the next morning - I knew he had deleted it shortly afterwards (knowing his paranoia about having naked images of me I knew he wouldn't have kept it for long and he said he had deleted it pretty quickly but at the time I didn't ask how long)