Filmed without my knowledge by DH

[SoEmbarrassing]

Ugh, this is really difficult. Have NC obviously.

I have a great marriage, been with my DH a long time. 2 young kids, bought a house recently, we get on brilliantly and have a great sex life now. However, there have been times where we haven't had sex at all for a while - I have an illness that causes a lot of bleeding and pelvic pain, and a few times while I've been waiting for surgery and in constant pain we haven't had any physical relationship at all for months at a time. We love each other very much so this has been difficult but separating has never been a consideration.

I know he uses porn a lot when we are not having sex regularly. TBH I'm not overjoyed about that but it is what it is - I wish he could get by without it but have never criticised or asked him not to, since I knew he needed to take care of things at times when I couldn't, so we just didn't talk about it. I do know from the comments he's made that he's into voyeuristic stuff.

Last year after my pregnancy we weren't having sex for a while (exhaustion, pumping plus feeling generally gross and hormones all over the place).i was feeling massively insecure about my body and this was made worse knowing he was looking at unrealistically attractive women having sex all the time. I did get upset about it but didn't raise it for a while, until it all came out that I felt massively inadequate and didn't feel I could compete with those women with my gross post-baby body. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't like that, his porn use was purely functional and habit, and he would much rather be having sex with me, or watching videos of me (we made one once, but he deleted it pretty quickly as was really paranoid about it being seen by someone else or getting out somehow which I massively appreciate).

Anyway, during this discussion in an attempt to underline his point, he told me something that I'm really struggling to get past. He told me that, when we went on holiday the previous year (I was about 16 weeks pregnant at the time), he had filmed me without my knowledge when I got out of the shower. There was nothing sexual, just me walking around, probably naked for part of it, getting ready, and he had used that instead of porn until he decided to delete it shortly afterwards. He said he's never done anything like that before or since (in fairness at the time I hadn't been naked in front of him for a good while so he wouldn't have had the chance), and swears it was quickly deleted (I believe this based on how paranoid he has been about other people seeing photos / video taken consensually and therefore how quickly he's deleted them - and often told me later how he's regretted getting rid of them). He said he now feels really awful about it as he knows it was really out of line, but he thought if I knew that then I would understand that I'm not competing with anyone else. I mean, it wasn't even sexual, but clearly it was to him.

We are now back to having an excellent sex life, very frequently other than during my periods which are very painful and heavy and therefore a no go area.

I'm just still concerned that he did it, and while I appreciate him telling me about it I am a bit stunned that he thought this would make me feel better. Since then I've noticed he's been very careful not to have his phone in his hand while I've been getting changed etc, I guess to make it clear he's not doing it again. It does seem like this was a one off mistake which he regrets and wouldn't repeat but I'm worried this is just really naive!

Can this really be a one off borne from desperation? Is it really just a fuck up? Should I be concerned about it or let it go? It's mainly the lack of consent that's bothering me (he has never ever ignored my consent before or since, in any way), along with the mild horror of not ever knowing what was on that video, what I must have looked like etc. I know he would never physically violate my consent during sex - if he wanted to do that he's had plenty of opportunity during times I've been unable which is why I find this so confusing.

He genuinely is a brilliant husband and father and I definitely wouldn't leave him over this, i truly believe he hasn't done it again or before that and that the video is gone. I just can't shake the discomfort at it happening in the first place.

I suspect others opinions will be varied but could never ask any RL friends so here we are. If you had a great marriage and this happened, would you just write it off as a mistake, or something more?

OP. I think you're answering your own question tbh. It's clear you have reservations about the whole thing but your latest posts are all about defending your husband.
People on here have no reason to doubt what you say about your husband (arrogant to do so really! We don't know you!) I believe what you say about your relationship- why wouldn't I!
Anyway, like a pp said you are going to get opinions on both ends of the spectrum - only you can deal with this. I wouldn't use people's hysterically rantings (mop!) to help you decide!
Good luck.

OP - yes I was that previous poster and since I posted I don't see that the vitriol has lessened.
I think you know where you are with this and no it probably wasn't your finest idea to post on here.
Keep talking to your OH and build on your relationship which sounds like a good one overall.
My OH and I have been together nearly 40 years. Ups and downs of course but all the better as the years go by. We do talk! Can't help thinking that if we had been exposed to all the LTB advice on Mumsnet we would each be on out 5th relationship by now!!!!!

I don't see what you're bothered about. So your husband filmed you naked because he finds you so attractive and then looked at you while presumably masturbating.

I would be flattered to be honest. I'd rather him be looking at me than porn anyway. I don't get this consent thing really! If he's actually seeing you naked and wants a memory of it, what's the problem? If he'd told you that he was filming you, you would have being self conscious and spoiled it. He's not showing the images to some one else or selling them is he?
My husband used to take natural unselfconcious photos of me, (back in the day) and said it was because he found me so beautiful. I was flattered, so should you be!

Thing is I totally agree that porn is vile, I agree that someone watching has no idea whether that woman is doing this willingly or because it's her only option for whatever reason. This makes me very uncomfortable with it. My DH started watching it very young which has no doubt caused him some issues, and at that age I don't think he considered these things. I'm no expert but I think it became a fundamental part of his sexuality before he was old enough to have actual sex, which is why I have so many issues with how available this stuff is to young people who are still developing. He has grown up a lot since I first met him (inevitable really given how long we have been together) and I know he's no longer comfortable with it either. He's told me many times over the years that his reliance on it makes him feel pathetic and like a loser. I know that if he could just stop doing it he would have done by now. He does have a very high sex drive - I know it would be very difficult for him to go cold turkey from porn as he struggles to separate the two, which I find bizarre but I gather it's not uncommon. I've spoken to other men who seek to genuinely believe that giving up porn means giving up masturbation which is really strange to me but it's not the first time I've heard about this.

I understand what it's like to be addicted to something (as I mentioned previously I am a very addicted smoker and any time I've managed to quit for a while I've gone back to it even though I know I shouldn't, so I do understand to some extent). I think he's ready now to actually move on from it. I want to support him to do that as I would if he were addicted to anything else.

The thing is that, this one incident aside, our sex life is very healthy, mutually fulfilling and he has never overstepped the mark in any way during actual sex. When we are having regular sex this issue goes away because his sex drive isn't a problem - this absolutely isn't my fault and I don't let his needs dictate when I have or don't have sex in any way, I made that very clear in the beginning.

i pity people like you, I really do!! And yes, i am a willing sub. Doesn't mean i'm deluded, or insignificant, or insecure or anything like that.

Thing is, nobody cares what you or anyone else does in their bedroom. You think you are so edgey telling everyone about you being a willing sub. That doesn't mean you are edgey - just not aware of boundaries and this is obviously showing in your approval of rape culture AKA porn. It is not your fault, I am sure one day you will cringe.

You think telling people with normal boundaries that you pity them, you really do, is an insult whereas I think it is a compliment as it means I am on the right track in life. It is not all about you (you may be surprised to hear). Dullsville.

Why are you being mean Alternative?

I’m confused OP as to what responses you anticipated?

He’s never been controlling or abusive (fair enough) and yet he didn’t ask your permission, or mention this incident until now because he knew that you’d have said no.

That’s all there is to it really.

You found it intrusive, exploitative and deceitful. Nakedness, body confidence, sex drive and porn are side issues and excuses imo, for a huge betrayal of your trust. This is what he needs to work on.

Why are you being mean Alternative?

Pitifully mean?

I think coming on a thread and rejoicing about how flattering it is to be filmed naked, how fab rape culture is, and how people who are not in BDSM relationships because they are so wonderful, and how people who are not are to be pitied; is vile.

Enrique - I figured the responses would be mixed which they have been. And you're absolutely right that the trust is the issue here. I can understand why people don't believe he's not otherwise abusive, controlling, problematic in some way - the fact that he isn't is why I find it difficult to process. If this was part a wider attitude towards me or pattern of behaviour, my reaction to it would be definitive.

You are bending over backwards, OP, to convince us that your weak, deceitful husband who enjoys watching women be horrifically abused even as he admits he KNOWS these women are being abused for his sick entertainment, is actually a real good guy!

Ask yourself how he can freely and happily watch women being abused yet would have a problem with other men watching YOU! What kind of person is he? And don’t give me all the shit about how it makes him feel like a loser. He can stop at any time but CHOOSES not to.

If you choose to spend your life with this awful man, at least do it without putting him on a pedestal. See this man for what he is.

He's definitely not perfect. Never said he was. This is obviously an issue, which I've always said and he's aware of. At no point here have I said it's acceptable or that I don't have a problem with it.

I'm put in the position of having to defend him but I don't defend this. However, I do know it's not as simple as him choosing not to.

When your with someone abusive, you cherry pick the good bits out and rationalise that they are a good partner. It's not a loving safe relationship, that's honest. If it was he would tell you the truth first that he doesn't see porn as a problem, a looser, pathetic, or makes him feel uncomfortable he is saying these things because that's what you want to hear. If something makes you feel uncomfortable you don't do it simple as that.
Also he used a video of you as he couldn't get what he wanted which was porn due to low WiFi reason it hasn't happened again because he's had a good connection hardly someone who puts you on a pedastool yet he couldn't be fully honest. I don't see why he told you tho months and months later or was it designed to be a headfuck? His dirty little secret that he controls when you know and what snippets of information you can get from him to read in between the lines. What's the point in talking to him when you get half a story
If your happy being second best to porn then good for you, he will never change he sounds sexually immature to be honest and takes no steps in helping himself or you out apart from cheap talk

Okay, whatever. Like I say, there's literally nothing at this point that he could say or do that would lead some to believe he's genuine. If he says the right thing, he's lying. If he says the wrong thing, he's abusive. I know abusive relationships - this isn't one of them. I know him and our marriage. I know when he's being genuine, I know the context of those discussions and when he's telling me something I want to hear rather than the truth (just as I've worked it out on this occasion).

If I thought this was more than an isolated incident, my reaction would be entirely different. If I thought his issues and responses around porn were not genuine, my reaction would be different.

So why come on here then if your so sure of yourself and him? Should of just spoken to him from the start believed every thing and left it as that but you didn't because he wasn't giving you a reasonable explanation and you just don't want to admit it

Nonsense. I have admitted that. And I've made it pretty clear why I posted. I felt a certain way, I wasn't sure if it was an appropriate response - not because I'm in an abusive relationship or birth gaslighted, but because I have a particular sensitivity about these issues (which my husband, and everyone in my life, was unaware of until very recently).

I'm not sure of myself, I'm not sure of him but there are things I do k ow about him after such a long relationship, and yes it's frustrating when people tell you that things you know about your relationship and your partner are untrue based on minimal information.

I find it amazing how much men are slagged off on this forum. Some of the things your DP is being called is ridiculous, I'd be surprised if some of these women are in relationships because their DP's would have to be mr perfect! I'm glad I don't live in that world.
You have a great relationship.. your DP did something that your not comfortable with and he told you maybe a bit late.. but he felt bothered by it which should show something. I would take his word for it and let it go.
I myself wouldn't feel bothered by it, but I'm comfortable with my body and I like the thought of my DP loving my body too and I know he wouldn't share it elsewhere. I think it's nice he finds you attractive when your doing nothing more then walking around the house.

I'm just still concerned that he did it, and while I appreciate him telling me about it I am a bit stunned that he thought this would make me feel better.
I wasn't sure if it was an appropriate response

I would say that the way you feel is appropriate simply because it IS the way you feel. That totally validates it: your body, your privacy, your choice.

You've detailed some pretty unpleasant and distressing health issues OP, but focussed really on your DH's overwhelming sex drive, poor lamb. I can't say I have much time or sympathy for him however wonderful he may be otherwise.

On the other hand, you say life is great now, a long standing relationship, good marriage, young children and new home. In your shoes I'd be making sure that DH knew it was time to grow up and take more responsibility for his actions. He needs to not only rebuild trust, but get his values and priorities straight.

I agree with you Enrique. I didn't dwell on my health issues too much here since they aren't particularly relevant - he has supported me through them though (emotionally, financially and practically). I don't feel sorry for him having a high sex drive and frankly wish it wasn't so high but then I wish mine wasn't low a lot of the time in the past too, regardless of any efforts to change that, so I know that's unlikely to change any time soon. I've just had to take a pragmatic approach to that I suppose.

He absolutely believes he needs to get his priorities straight and actually act according to the values he has now, not those of a young teenager. That's something that's come from him, even before I brought this up again.

Not defending that he did this whatsoever, clearly some here would be fine with it but I'm not. He's is fully aware of this now. Not entirely sure what else I can do :-/

The important thing that you must do, well IMO of course, is to trust your gut instincts. The things you're uncomfortable with, no one can tell you that you should accept, or coerce you to relax the boundaries that you're comfortable with. Also IMO supporting you through your illness is no more than a loving partner should do and no more than you'd have done for him either.

None of us here know you and your DH, we can't tell if he's truly repentant, if he will keep his promises and if you can move past this. Only you know how it's likely to pan out long term. Don't over think it and don't worry to much about how he's thinking either, make sure you stay true to yourself.

Pretty low bar you've got there @Elkilil. What the OP's has done is illegal.

I don't think men have to be Mr Perfect but I do think from years of reading MN that a lot of women are conditioned to forgive their partners with some pretty abhorrent behaviour.

Just to be clear, here's the relevant section of the Sexual Offences Act:
Section 67 Sexual Offences Act 2003

(3) A person commits an offence if–

(a) he records another person (B) doing a private act,

(b) he does so with the intention that he or a third person will, for the purpose of obtaining sexual gratification, look at an image of B doing the act, and

(c) he knows that B does not consent to his recording the act with that intention.

(5) A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable–

(a) on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 6 months or a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum or both;

(b) on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 2 years.

That law applies whether or not the A and B are married because thankfully we've moved on from the days when it was okay for men to rape their wives.

What a crying shame that so many women have such messed up boundaries that they find an act which is against the law flattering.

^^^ finally sense. He does support OP and he's so wonderful, supports financially great dad so lets gloss over the rest.

You're putting words in my mouth - how is this me glossing over it? Clearly I'm not. Clearly it's a problem.

The law is there for the purpose of prosecution should the OP feel violated enough to....

She would have a good case should she decide to leave him and prosecute..

However..should she not feel strongly enough to leave and prosecute as she believes it to be a stupid mistake ...born out of times stress ... then as an adult with capacity she has the right to do this...

She does not need to feel that she is living with a criminal because it's technically against the law...

Should he go on the sex offenders register??

The law is there to be interpreted ....not to beat people with..

then as an adult with capacity she has the right to do this..

So an adult with limited capacity doesn't have the right to prosecute or feel violated?

This thread gets even more depraved