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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful evening...wwyd?

404 replies

eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:39

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

OP posts:
FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 26/10/2017 23:42

Sorry but you were definitely being unreasonable to ask him to stay when he had had enough and was likely in pain. Is that a common occurrence with you trying to make him carry on doing things when he is in pain and has had enough.

He definitely acted childish after though by refusing to go to bed and storming to the car but I guess being in pain can make you act irrationally.

WinnieFosterTether · 26/10/2017 23:45

Tbh I would watch something trashy on tv and lock the room door.
He has behaved appallingly. You didn't prevent him from going to bed. You asked. He agreed then decided to be a grumpy, aggressive martyr.
If you can get home without him in the morning, then do it. Tell him this has thrown up some major incompatibilities.
Does he have a habit of spoiling special occasions?

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2017 23:47

I agree, asking him to stay wasn’t the kind thing to do if you trust that he knows his body and when he needs to rest. I can understand why he was pissed off.

Saying that, his reaction was ott. I’d let him sleep in the car and try to get some sleep yourself. He knows where you are if he wants to come inside.

AJPTaylor · 26/10/2017 23:47

well if he just wants to make his life worse, let him.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:48

From my pov this was a big expensive wedding. I think staying around till 9.30/10 is fair for the b&g. And I did then ask him repeatedly to go up half an hour or so later, and he refused.

He wants to stay in the car because he can't bear to sleep next to me. I said that was pretty horrible -.apparently that's me making it all about me.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 26/10/2017 23:48

Has he been drinking on meds?

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2017 23:49

From my pov this was a big expensive wedding. I think staying around till 9.30/10 is fair for the b&g

Any sensible bride and groom would understand someone leaving early because of a health issue.

RainyApril · 26/10/2017 23:49

If it's out of character then I think it could be put down to pain, frustration and embarrassment. I imagine it's hard watching people having a great time while you're in pain, and constantly feeling like the one putting a downer on a party. If you looked even slightly irritated when he said he was going to bed, it would have hurt.

He has certainly overreacted and behaved badly in response to being asked to stay up for another half hour.

elfycat · 26/10/2017 23:50

I think he's making a point. A stupid one admittedly.

You need to accept his health issues, or he needs to take responsibility more and do what he needs without consulting others. Only you know which is relevant here.

Is he using health issues as control, or are you unsympathetic to his needs?

I don't envy you your thoughts working it out.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:51

He basically said I needed to leave him alone otherwise we'd argue and jt would end badly ie us splitting up. Frankly if he feels like that part of me thinks sod it. Fucking break up with me if that's what you want.

But I'm actually just feeling guilty he's in his car and in pain.

OP posts:
Charmatt · 26/10/2017 23:51

It doesn't matter how expensive the wedding was. If he can't sit for long and wanted to go to bed, I imagine you had been there for most of the day, so I would say you were unreasonable. However, he doesn't have to react so badly. It sounds like there are underlying issues here - are you listening to each other about your needs enough?

Insomnibrat · 26/10/2017 23:53

Could he also have been bored/fed up that the wedding were more your friends, not his?

His threatening to split the relationship up sounds manipulative to me.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:55

I probably am unsympathetic. He would say so. Although I helped him moved a few weeks ago, did most of the unpacking, moving and carrying. It's not like I expect him to run a marathon.

He doesn't really drink. He's had 3 drinks all day (since 1pm). No idea if he's taken his tablets or not.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 26/10/2017 23:55

Not sure sleeping in the car will do him many favours with a bad back. Leave him to stew, he’s being a pratt!

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 26/10/2017 23:56

Gosh he's being an idiot. How does sleeping in a car help whatever pain issues he has? Had you both had a lot to drink? Is this out of character? Does he know anyone else there?

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2017 23:56

Regardless of what’s just happened, you don’t sound very happy.

beepboopbeep · 26/10/2017 23:56

We all have bad nights. He was in pain, stayed for you then got stroppy. I'd talk it over tomorrow

WinnieFosterTether · 26/10/2017 23:57

So he shut down your attempts to discuss it by threatening to split up. That's not the actions of someone in pain. Neither is making yourself even more uncomfortable by sleeping in a car. He's been horribly manipulative.
As an adult, he could have refused to stay up later. He decided to stay (albeit on your request) and now he's refusing to talk about it, sleeping in the car and threatening to break up. Red flags everywhere ...unless either or both of you are drunk?

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:58

Yes he was bored too as no one was speaking to him - but I was in the same boat as i know very few people here. I am naturally introverted but have really tried today to speak to people.

OP posts:
OneMoreTune · 27/10/2017 00:00

You could have left when he asked.

But equally he could have said “it’s ok, I’ll go and you follow on, I’ll see you in a while, enjoy yourself”.

For a one-off special occasion he could have let you finish the evening in your own time? He didn’t have to react like this.

I guess he’s feeling sensitive about his health and also touchy in that he wanted you to prove your support to him over enjoying yourself. If you usually do that then he could have let you have this wedding.

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2017 00:01

What winnie said. Sorry but he sounds like a prize dick.

lalalalyra · 27/10/2017 00:02

Do you often ask him to stay a bit longer?

Just wondering if you are accidentally coming across as controlling/unsympathetic? Before I get jumped on - I did this without meaning too when DH was ill a long time ago. I felt like it was manners to hosts or encouraging (which he did sometimes need). He felt like it was me telling him when it was acceptable to me for him to be in enough pain to leave.

It culminated in a huge row that nearly broke us.

Dieu · 27/10/2017 00:02

Aw man, get rid. He sounds like hard work and a total pain (no pun).

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:03

He's completely sober. I've had a few drinks but am a long way from drunk.

I am so cross he's on the car making me feel shit. Oh but it's not all about me...the bravado of several wines is making me think fuck it I'll go out there and say either he comes in and we speak like adults, le he can fuck off.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2017 00:05

OP don’t do that. Try and get some kip and see him in the morning. It’s him that’s going to have the shit and uncomfortable night ahead, not you.