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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful evening...wwyd?

404 replies

eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:39

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 00:05

I just get this niggling feeling that because he hadn't enjoyed his day/night he was determined to ruin it for you too.
Like he's probably pleased he made you cry when you tried so hard to step out of your own comfort zone today too. Perhaps he didn't like that.

My spidey senses are buzzing.

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 00:05

Don’t go out there. Leave him to it and talk about it in the morning. No good will come of going out there spoiling for a fight (except an exciting twist to the thread).

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 00:06

I just get this niggling feeling that because he hadn't enjoyed his day/night he was determined to ruin it for you too.

How on earth could you know that?

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:07

Apologies for typos in last post.

He was intending to come up on his own, not with me. But I selfishly didn't want to be left alone so asked him to stay for a bit. Not until midnight,or even 11. I offered to get him a drink or food, all refused.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 27/10/2017 00:07

I'm sorry, OP, but he sounds like a manipulative dick.

Go to your hotel room, put the telly on, make yourself a cup of decaf tea, and watch telly in your lovely hotel bed while he's being an idiot in his car.

Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 00:07

@Purple

OP alluded to it in a previous post. They were more her friends than his and he was a bit bored or whatever she said.

Ambonsai · 27/10/2017 00:08

All sounds v childish
And you stormed off first

PerspicaciaTick · 27/10/2017 00:08

Do you basically like each other - is this a bit of a one off?

If it is, I would be tempted to text him saying "I'm sorry I didn't realise how much you needed to rest. Come inside now and have a proper sleep, we can talk about it in the morning".

Then it is up to him if he wants to sulk.

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 00:09

I think you were wrong in asking him to stay down when he was in pain. The bride and groom aren't going to care that someone's +1 went upstairs at 9pm. He's then been really annoying but so have you. Is this out of the blue in an otherwise happy and problem-free relationship? Because you sound like people who've reached the point where you can get irritated quite easily by something the other person does, and that's often death for a relationship.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/10/2017 00:10

Yeah what PT said.
My post-row conversations with DH always work better via text

Viviennemary · 27/10/2017 00:12

I'd think carefully about staying in this relationship. OK maybe it was wrong of you to suggest he stayed half an hour longer if he was in pain. But he should have just calmly said sorry I'm not well enough. Instead of staying and then storming off and now you feel bad. The rest of your life with incidents like this doesn't sound like any sort of life at all.

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 00:13

OP alluded to it in a previous post. They were more her friends than his and he was a bit bored or whatever she said.

I’ve reread that post and it’s a MASSIVE leap to get from what the op said to “he was deliberately trying to ruin her evening”.

It’s really hard having a chronic illness or chronic pain and I can see how someone effectively saying either “I don’t believe your pain is that bad” or “I don’t care your pain is bad, I want you to push through and entertain me” would be upsetting. His reaction was ott but the op set it off, not him.

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2017 00:13

Presumably the boyfriend could have gone to his bed at 9pm if he’d really wanted or been in that much pain? I don’t think the OP asking him to stay an extra half hour (which he could have refused) then excuses him acting like such a massive twat.

nancy75 · 27/10/2017 00:14

Sounds like he’s a bit of a drama queen - couldn’t bear to sleep in the same bed as you & would rather sleep in the car? Think I’d be telling him to grow up

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:15

I've asked him to come in. I said I'd be upset worrying about him. That was making it all about me apparently.

We don't row often. I can't remember the last one.

I walked off 20ft into the corridor because I could see he was in pain and he was refusing to move. I walked off because I felt at a complete loss as to how to deal with it .

I didn't storm off with all my belongings to sit in the car all night.

OP posts:
Groovee · 27/10/2017 00:15

I have a chronic pain condition. You should have let him go up when he wanted to. Personally I would have gone up when I needed to as sometime I need to cry or whatever. Otherwise I possibly would have over reacted the way he did. It sounded like he needed some alone time.

Send him a text if you are sorry. If not then accept you maybe aren’t for each other.

nancy75 · 27/10/2017 00:16

The op asked him to stay an extra 30 minutes, she didn’t handcuff him to the dj booth - if he felt that tired he could have just said sorry I feel really in pain I’m going to go up now - in fact he managed an extra 2 hours, it’s amazing what people can withstand when they are sulking and trying to prove a point

zen1 · 27/10/2017 00:16

I agree that he sounds manipulative and is now trying to punish you and make you feel bad for asking him to stay up. He agreed to stay up after you asked him - he didn’t have to and you weren’t forcing him. If he was happy to agree to stay up, I can’t understand why he stayed up much longer than you’d originally requested and then went to sleep in the car. It doesn’t sound as if you have a very good relationship.

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2017 00:17

“I don’t believe your pain is that bad”

Tbf, I’m finding it hard to believe it IS that bad if he can tolerate kipping in a car all night in the cold. Confused

DanHumphreyIsA · 27/10/2017 00:17

I dunno, He may sound like a knob on here, but my DH has long term health issues. Constant pain, severe 90% of the time.
It can be draining, and take a lot for me emotionally to support him but unfortunately I don’t know (and I wouldn’t like to know) how it feels to be in pain for such a long time. I’d understand if he wanted to get away.

I know it wreaks havoc on his mental health too, so out of the two us, getting to lie down/some peace makes means more to him than an hour longer of socialising does to me.

Obvs we don’t know here if he acts like this with you all of the time, or if you want him to socialise more all of time time etc but if it’s the latter he’s probably just trying to make an immature point as a pp said.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:17

I am going to text him to ask him to come in.

I've missed the end of the wedding because I'm in my room in tears.

OP posts:
Therealslimshady1 · 27/10/2017 00:19

Leave him to it and try to get some sleep

He's a silly bugger to punish you by making himself suffer. Mind games...

Jamboree05 · 27/10/2017 00:21

I don't think he sounds like a nob. From your post, he said he wanted to leave (not we should leave) and you asked him to stay.

He's in chronic pain... couldn't be have gone without You?

DanHumphreyIsA · 27/10/2017 00:21

Also, just to add as some pp are saying why didn’t he just leave if he wanted to, if you do have a chronic pain condition it can indeed make you feel so guilty about ‘ruining’ things for other people, or your illness being a burden, that sometimes you feel you need to power through the pain.
It’s just my experience of living with someone in such a situation anyway.

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 00:22

OP said she asked him to stay for 'a bit' as far as I can see, not 30 minutes. That could mean anything.

Text him OP and just try and sleep if you get nothing back. Or maybe say go home and sleep properly in a bed if he doesn't want to come in and you can talk tomorrow. You can always invent an excuse for why he's gone early (forgot tablets that he needs to take?) and get a taxi or lift with someone.