Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful evening...wwyd?

404 replies

eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:39

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2017 00:23

YWBU to ask him to stay longer if he was feeling unwell. It's not like he was saying you had to come away from the wedding too. IMO, if he left because he was in pain then he's cutting his nose off to spite his face by sleeping all night in a cold car.

He's a big boy and if he wants to sleep in the car, so be it. Stop making it worse by trying to get him to come inside. Leave him be.

nancy75 · 27/10/2017 00:23

Op said she asked him to stay another half hour, after 40 minutes she asked if he wanted to go up - it’s in her first post

Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 00:25

Why would someone with such severe chronic pain be willing to spend the night sleeping in the car for no other reason than to 'prove a point' when they really didn't need to?

I understand chronic pain can make you irritable and upset. I don't think it warrants this level of behaviour.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:25

We're about 60 miles from home. No one to get a lift with.

I asked him to stay up for another half hour. Yes I probably shouldn't have asked. But I didn't want to spend the evening on my own. Clearly that makes me a horrible person.

OP posts:
Flyinggeese · 27/10/2017 00:25

OP do you love him? Asking him to come in because you'd not relax for worrying does sound like it's about making you feel better (reducing guilt) not him.

Also I don't get why you'd ask him to stay at the party, in pain, when he was clearly ready to call it a night.

However I do think he's now being over dramatic! You don't seem like a couple in love, or even with respect for each other unfortunately.

LoafEater · 27/10/2017 00:25

I don't understand all these posters saying you should not have asked him to stay. A totally reasonable request that he could have refused. You're not his mother/boss/a police officer FFS, he could have just said 'no I'm going up now'. You didn't tie him to the chair.

If he then decides to play the bloody martyr and behave like a sulky brat, that's his lookout. I'd be locking the door so he couldn't get back in when he gets bit cold. I'd aldo be enjoying my nice room service breakfast in the morning and calling myself a taxi home before he woke up.

Charmatt · 27/10/2017 00:26

You haven't missed the end of the wedding because you are in your room crying - you were always going to miss it if you weren't going to let him go to bed on his own. By your own admission he can't sit or stand for long and you've been there since 1 pm.

You both sound immature and I'don't question whether you can go the distance if you can't both do what is best for the relationship each time. A relationship means compromise.

Flyinggeese · 27/10/2017 00:27

But it wouldn't have been an evening on your own. It would have been half an hour then you could join him in the room. Is that really so hard? Half an hour without him by your side?

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 00:28

I asked him to stay up for another half hour. Yes I probably shouldn't have asked. But I didn't want to spend the evening on my own. Clearly that makes me a horrible person.

Why don’t you drop the over dramatic “I am horrible”? Confused

Op you don’t sound like you can deal with being with someone who has chronic pain. It’s really hard. Maybe you tell just aren’t meant to be together.

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 00:28

Apologies, yes the OP does say half an hour.

You're not a horrible person, that's not what people are saying. We're saying that your first response wasn't great, and it's possibly been compounded, as a pp said, by the 'I'll be worried about you' bit. However he's been a drama llama so no one's fully in the right.

Ceebs85 · 27/10/2017 00:28

He's an adult. You asked him to stay. He chose to stay. Now he's attention seeking by being a martyr. If its as simple as you've said it is then ok he may be in pain and that will impact on his mood but he's still choosing to behave the way he is.

I wouldn't bite. I'd leave him. Guaranteed I wouldnt sleep well as I'd be so angry but I feel like now he probably wants you to plead with him to come back.

Very odd behaviour!

Charmatt · 27/10/2017 00:28

*I'd question - typo!

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 00:29

I don't understand all these posters saying you should not have asked him to stay
You clearly don’t have any experience of living with a chronic illness/chronic pain.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/10/2017 00:29

Don't feel bad about missing the end of the wedding. The B&G will have been too busy to notice and you don't know any/many of the other guests. The end of one wedding is very much like the end of another.

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2017 00:31

I’m also not sure where people are making the assumption he’s got a chronic pain condition. The OP didn’t say that. She said he had some health issues that can make prolonged sitting and standing uncomfortable. That can cover a wide spectrum from chronic pain conditions to perhaps having some hip/back/knee pain

LoveDeathPrizes · 27/10/2017 00:32

Tricky. It's hard and sometimes embarrassing being the one who needs to ask to leave. Can feel like a failing. So I can see his reaction - embarrassment made him stubborn but pain made him infuriated. It's not the end of the world but I'd be a bit put out if DH put social face above my wellbeing to be completely honest.

nancy75 · 27/10/2017 00:34
  • I don't understand all these posters saying you should not have asked him to stay You clearly don’t have any experience of living with a chronic illness/chronic pain.* I have transverse myelitis ( pain & tired) if dp asked me to stay somewhere for an extra 30 minutes I would either say yes I’ll be ok or no I don’t think I can manage it - at no point would staying for an extra 2 hours & then storming out to sleep in the car be on the cards!
PNGirl · 27/10/2017 00:35

It can be really hurtful when someone is more concerned with how things look/manners than the wellbeing of the person they're with. This is what you did with the attitude that the bride and groom had spent a lot of money on the wedding so your boyfriend should stay longer. Silly comparison, but my mum was guilty of trying to get me to eat things I couldn't stomach when at family for Christmas so as not to be "rude", even though she knew I gagged if I tried to eat prawns for example. I also tend to have had enough of wedding evening dos by the time the first dance is over, especially if I don't know the couple that well.

I can understand how this has got a bit out of hand because he turned passive-aggressive about not going up after about 40 minutes. I'm not sure tonight is going to be the best time to sort it out though.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:36

I wasn't intending to go up with him. I was going to stay til the end if possible depending on if I was able to speak to any of the people I (vaguely) knew.

I do think generally I am considerate of his physical limitations. I helped him move. I do lots for him ( equally he does lots for me, it's not all one way).

It was a special day. I wanted us to be together, like all the other couples there. Again I suppose that's me being selfish.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 00:37

It was a special day. I wanted us to be together, like all the other couples there. Again I suppose that's me being selfish.

It’s just one of the difficult things about being with someone who has health troubles. It’s not inherently selfish. It’s hard.

Slimthistime · 27/10/2017 00:38

"From my pov this was a big expensive wedding. I think staying around till 9.30/10 is fair for the b&g. And I did then ask him repeatedly to go up half an hour or so later, and he refused."

This and your thing about "not asking him to run a marathon"

Just awful.

Perhaps he will man up tomorrow and say you aren't suited.

Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 00:39

On the whole i'm with you OP but I really don't understand all this: "I suppose that's because I'm a horrible person" "I suppose thats me being selfish".

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:40

He has severe back problems. He's has various treatments which help a little. He is really only comfortable in a semi lying position where there is no weight on his spine.

I asked him to stay a bit longer. I didn't say stay longer or I'll end our relationship. I asked please could he stay another half hour. And after that when I asked him to go up and even said I'd go too, he refused.

OP posts:
Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:42

He has told me I'm selfish. I make it all about me. I go on too much.

Ergo I'm not a nice person apparently.

OP posts:
BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 27/10/2017 00:45

Why were you treating him like a child?

Forcing him to stay up and then continuing to tell him its his bedtime?

That's very controlling.

You could easily have let him go up and you stayed. And I imagine the later constant half hour reminder of his pain and how he should leave was also not nice.