Awful evening...wwyd?

[eveningfromhell]

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

Tbh even as someone with full health, I'd be a bit miffed if my DP had guilted me into staying at the party another half an hour as they didn't want to be left sitting alone, only for them to bugger off to dance moments later leaving me sat alone. Although at that point I'd have just gone off to bed and left you to it.

That wasn't quite what I said or how it happened. I asked him to stay a bit longer. I didn't give reasons. He agreed. I sat with him, I went to dance at his suggestion, and a while later. He stayed another 2 hours. I probably didn't start dancing until near the end of the first half hour. I did suggest several times he went up, but he refused. However by the point I could see him visibly in pain, uncomfortable and bored I just couldn't understand why he wouldn't go up. Obviously I shouldn't have asked him to stay. I can't change what happened, and I think his reaction was unfair.

He wouldn’t go up because he knew you already knew he was in pain, and you obviously didn’t care! It’s not rocket science! Why do you think he said he wanted to leave in the first place? For the hell of it?

evening, I think asking him to stay was fine. It's okay to ask others to do things for us sometimes. He could have said no, he could have said yes then gone up towards the end of the 30 mins when you started dancing. Instead he agreed but played the matyr, to a truly breathtaking extent. Having chronic pain/being bereaved doesn't mean he can use you as an emotional punching bag. I understand that he is recently bereaved, so I'm not shouting LTB - I think it's very possible for nice people to react in less than ideal ways when in emotional turmoil like that. But, I would be really concerned if I was you and trying to figure out if using you to vent on was a one-off or a pattern.

That makes no sense though. Why put yourself through more pain by staying longer just to prove a point? And I asked him to stay. It wasn't an order. He had a key. He could have said no. Or gone after half an hour which was all I'd asked. Yes I shouldn't have asked. But he didnt have to agree. Having agreed he didn't have to stay beyond that. He also didn't have to spend the night in his car.

Ask yourself honestly, how would you have reacted if he’d declined your ‘request’ to stay?

Would you have smiled and said that’s fine, you go up and relax and I’ll see you later? Would you have been passive aggressive and shown your displeasure somehow? Or would it even have caused an argument?

Because unless it is Option A, then THAT is the reason he did not go up then, or later.

Your previous post was lovely Op, I do sincerely hope you work things out.

I've already answered this upthread. I'd have been sad and a bit disappointed. Probably said oh ok, and that I'd follow him up in a bit. I wouldn't have shown anger, or annoyance because it's not his fault. Certainly wouldn't have argued about it. If he says no to something I accept that.

And you think you would’ve hidden your disappointment 100%?

I didn't say that. You asked if I'd have shown displeasure or started an argument. Being disappointed or showing disappointment is quite different. I'd say is also pretty normal to be a bit sad that (whist understanding the reasons why) you won't be spending the rest of the evening together - I'd actually think it rather rude and uncaring if I waved him off to the room with a cheery smile, rather as though I didn't want his company.

From his point of view, you looking really disappointed could easily have felt like a guilt trip into staying.

Honestly, I know you can't turn back time but I don't even understand why you would ask him to stay longer. Why not let him set his own limits? You sound like you care way too much what other people think. At most weddings, by the evening, most people are pissed and the B&G are just happy to have the formal part over and to try and relax. With kids, older people, people with various health conditions, pregnant women etc ie a normal cross section of society, no one in their right mind would think it a reasonable expectation that every guest stay to the end.

He played the martyr on you and was immature but you really haven't done much better and it sounds like it is clear to him that you care more about what other people think than about him. I think that is probably true.

The kind thing to have done would have been to say “I totally understand, I’ll see you soon”.

Being disappointed or showing disappointment is quite different.

No, it really isn’t. Not to someone who doesn’t want to disappoint you.

Can you understand that now, or is it still not sinking in?

Unfollowing now as this is beginning to bore me.

Some posters on here really have too much time on their hands. The OP has stated she knows she was unfair to ask him to stay and has apologised. They are going to discuss it all tomorrow and try and work through their issues. Harping on and on about how awful the OP is for asking him to stay an extra 30 mins is just boring now

Yep - asking someone to stay a bit longer is an entirely normal thing to do inns relationship. They weren’t stuck in the middle of nowhere, he could have easily said that he really wasn’t up to it and gone to bed.
He was quite capable of spending the next 12 hours proving a point so
I’m sure he could have gone to bed had he really wanted to.

hope you can reconcile all this op, plenty of food for thought.
you have one life op, not sure if you should be tying yourself down to this man tbh - being part of a couple is not always all its cracked up to be!

Some seriously OTT posters on here

Apparently you now have a personality disorder OP - for asking your dp to stay half an hour!

Think you need to stop analysing things to death and wait for him to contact you. You've apologised. Stop beating your self up.

He's a grown man and wasn't forced to sleep in a car. That was his choice. I seriously wouldn't be going to any more functions where you don't really know people with him though, sounds like too much hard work.

I have a chronic illness that causes me a lot of pain.

I constantly feel that I am letting my family down. My husband is kind, helpful, sympathetic etc. This just makes me realise how dependant and reliant I am on him. I feel as though I'm always making excuses for why I can't manage to do something or why I need to rest or go to bed early, despite the fact that I've usually pushed myself beyond my limits anyway.

I'm sure that my family and friends feel sad, disappointed and at times fed up with what they have to do for me or what they miss out on because of me.

It's so difficult to be the patient - always feeling that you have to be grateful but hating your body for letting you down. As the "carer" I'm sure my husband also feels guilty for the negative emotions that he feels.

It's a horrible and difficult situation for everyone and takes enormous amounts of empathy to negotiate through but it's hard to do this when you feel ill or in pain.

What I was trying to say is that maybe a lot of his anger was at himself and his situation, not at you.

I think he is angry for many (valid) reasons, not just with me.

Anyway I feel I need to stop dwelling on it. I know what I could have done differently. I'm not blameless but it's not all my fault either. I need him to express why he reacted as he did, and then we'll have to discuss ways to improve communication between us. Assuming we both want to continue the relationship of course.

Honestly, I know you can't turn back time but I don't even understand why you would ask him to stay longer. Why not let him set his own limits? You sound like you care way too much what other people think.

This is a classic example of over-analysis. What on earth is there that is difficult to understand about two people at a party wanting to leave at different times? I can guarantee that it happens over and over again every weekend. If you think about it, this would, in most relationships, be a totally run-of-the-mill incident. Partner 1 wants to go, partner 2 would like to stay a bit longer and would rather not be on her own, so she asks if they could stay for half an hour. In 99.9% of cases all that happens is that P1 says he really can't stay, P2 accepts that and either goes with him or stays on her own: or else he agrees to stay, and they both leave half an hour later.

Only in MN world could it be P2's fault that P1 reaction is instead to throw a total passive-aggressive strop and refusing to leave for two hours or to sleep in the same building as P2.

He's an emotional bully.

He didn't go up after half an hour because he wanted to punish you. He slept in the car to punish you. He uses the fact that you care about him to hurt you.

Of course, he has had the most hellish year imaginable. It sounds like it's driven a huge wedge between you. I think that as someone who lost a child this year it's amazing he's at a wedding and not just curled in a ball somewhere. I'm amazed you don't sound more deeply sympathetic and pained too. Also, if you've been with him for 4 years surely you are grieving to some extent too? You sound a bit... detached.

Final point - learn to drive or get a car or drive yourself to events, whatever it is that is needed to stop him having to drive you places.

OP don't bother addressing every nitpicking point or the wilful misunderstanders, they pile on to threads like this, some people post simply to be awkward it seems.

You seem fairly level headed about this. You aren't blameless, he isn't either, he's going through hell.

Have as open a conversation as you can when he is ready for it. Maybe time apart would be good.