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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful evening...wwyd?

404 replies

eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:39

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 27/10/2017 01:07

The staying longer than 30 min was him making a point of course.

Look, his behaviour tonight was a massive red flag. If I were you, I'd think about that and look for other red flags in his behaviour. Try to figure out if this was genuinely unusual behaviour for him or whether this is who he really is.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:08

He is depressed but has been for some time and won't seek medical advice so there's a limit to what I can do. I know he's not a fan of weddings as his own marriage ended badly. He also has previously lost a child so I know finds seeing children of a similar age running round very upsetting.

We were invited to this wedding a year ago. He agreed willingly. At this point I wish I'd brought my DC instead.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 27/10/2017 01:11

Can I ask, how had you not found people to talk to and socialise with by 9pm? We're you two just standing /sitting apart from everyone else?

And sorry for your crap evening Flowers

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:12

He is still in his car and I know him well enough to know he'll stay there all night. Once he decides to do something that's that.

I know he's an adult and can decide how long to stay up. In which case why make it my fault he stayed up 2 hours longer than he wanted to. If he's the adult isn't that his decision not mine?

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 01:13

"I know he's not a fan of weddings as his own marriage ended badly. He also has previously lost a child so I know finds seeing children of a similar age running round very upsetting"

Given this information, plus his depression, plus his back problems I probably would have happily let him slip off to bed a bit early tbh.

I still say his continuing behaviour has been out of order on the whole though.

ferando81 · 27/10/2017 01:14

He's being a total spoilt brat .If the pain was unbearable I would go to my room .If I reluctantly decided to stay out of respect for my partner ,I would express my anger later ,out of earshot .

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:15

We had spoken to some people in the service and at dinner, but they were all part of larger groups, so were thereafter chatting to others they knew. Everyone was either family, family friends (who also knew family) or large groups from respective workplaces. I'd met some of the ladies on the hen do but barely knew them.

OP posts:
Jellyheadbang · 27/10/2017 01:17

Sorry op but I think you should have left him alone.
I have chronic pain and disability and a wedding is full on for me, all day and all night. He didn't have to stay an extra half hour but did (& extra to be a martyr.)
Then you kept on and on at him asking if he wanted to go to bed, if he's anything like me when I'm done in he'd have been on his last nerve so possibly not thinking straight, chronic pain attacks the nervous system which means your body is more often in fight or flight mode than people in good health.
He behaved twattishly partly because all his energy is being used to deal with the stress of the pain and accompanying exhaustion. It's hard to always behave logically under this much pressure.

Sleeping in the car is ridiculous, stupid and childish but he has chosen to do it.
You're badgering him again telling him to get out of the car and go to bed and he's being a stubborn arse.

When he want to the car you should have back off and left him to stew in his juice, not keep haranguing him and then going to your room to cry and missing 'the end of the wedding'!
You asked him to stay up for appearance' sake, no doubt others will have seen/heard some of this (undoubtedly slightly pissed) dramatic behaviour and now you both look worse than if he'd just gone to bed when he wanted.
For the love of god don't text him or go to the car again.
Just sleep it off and sort it on the morrow.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:18

I was happy for him to go up, just to stay for a little longer. Yes I'd have liked him to stay til the end, but I knew that wouldn't happen. So I just asked for another half hour.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 01:21

I was happy for him to go up, just to stay for a little longer. Yes I'd have liked him to stay til the end, but I knew that wouldn't happen. So I just asked for another half hour.

But you don’t seem to see that asking someone in awful pain (you’ve said the only comfortable position for him is lying down) to bear it for an extra half an hour is actually quite a big deal.

LineysRun · 27/10/2017 01:21

I think that's sounds quite rude of them, OP. You and your DP had spent money and time on attending the wedding, and you weren't even drawn into a group of people to socialise in the evening? Crikey.

Did that make you feel awkward?

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:25

As an introvert I feel awkward most of the time. At the hen party I sat alone a lot of the time. I'm used to it if I'm honest.

I get that I shouldn't have asked him to stay. But it's not my fault he then stayed 2 hours, or chose to sleep in the car b3causd he can't bear to be next to me.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 27/10/2017 01:25

He won't seek medical treatment for his pain? Health problem, my arse - this man has a self-pity problem. It's not uncommon for tiresome, selfish, manipulative people to make a huge big deal out of what's either a really minor ailment or a non-existent one. It's usually a red flag if they either won't go to the doctor or won't discuss their medical treatment with you - often means the problem is whinyitis, or lead-swinging.
(I am 100% NOT attacking other posters who have chronic illnesses/chronic pain. For one thing, I doubt those of you with genuine pain issues would have stropped off to sleep in the car just to make your partner feel guilty...) How long have you been with Mr Passive-Aggressive Whinyarse? And how many dramas has he created over the fact that he's not the centre of attention?

ItsAMessyLife · 27/10/2017 01:28

He is depressed but has been for some time and won't seek medical advice so there's a limit to what I can do. I know he's not a fan of weddings as his own marriage ended badly. He also has previously lost a child so I know finds seeing children of a similar age running round very upsetting.

Yet you still asked him to sit around in pain so you could be like the other couples for an extra 30 minutes?

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:29

He won't seek treatment for his psychological issues - depression etc. He has on going treatment for physical pain unfortunately back pain treatment seems to be largely trial and error. He's had several minor procedures which haven't really helped and takes daily medication.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/10/2017 01:30

She asked him to stay with her - she didn't handcuff him to the chair!

He's behaving very badly.

LineysRun · 27/10/2017 01:32

I do wonder if something happened in the two hours between 9pm and 11pm? But you say you were both sitting mostly, not really socialising, not really drinking. What did you actually do??

I'm just wondering if something triggered something ... or if he's just, deep down, like this.

ItsAMessyLife · 27/10/2017 01:32

ReanimatedSGB

The OP has said that he has medication for the pain and he's had treatments.

DanHumphreyIsA · 27/10/2017 01:33

@ReanimatedSGB I believe the OP stated he won’t seek medical advice for his mental health, which is not that uncommon.
She has also stated he has received various treatments for his pain condition.

You seem very determined to prove this man is a liar and exaggerating illness as a form of control, when nothing in the OPs posts show that.
He overreacted to an unsympathetic request, whilst clearly (as the op states) in pain, after a long day.

Nightshirt · 27/10/2017 01:34

Neither of u covered yourselves in glory, but chronic pain messes with the mind. Communicate better or part.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:35

In the 2 hours he sat down, I sat with him. Got a drink and some food from the evening buffet. He didn't want either.

Some of the women I knew from the hen asked me to go and dance. He encouraged me to go with them. I danced for a bit. Sat down. Danced again. Sat, and so on.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 27/10/2017 01:35

The fact that back pain treatments are generally hit and miss means that 'back pain' has always been one of the top conditions for skivers and attention seekers.
If he's prepared to sleep in his car to punish OP for not immediately obeying him, there's not that much wrong with his back.

DontMentionTheWar · 27/10/2017 01:36

I suffer from chronic pain and my DH is brilliant. If he asked me to stay another half an hour somewhere I'd either say yes or say no - not act like a passive aggressive drama llama. Still, he's going to be punished enough by a night in the car and it serves him right.

Don't put up with this shit because he suffers from chronic pain. Be kind but don't over compensate. Stop with all the melodrama about you being 'horrible' etc as well because that makes you sound a pain too. The best thing to do with sulkers is to ignore them. Just say to him that next time he should tell you the truth if he doesn't want to stay and then you'll accept it - and make sure you do. Being in pain is crap and the last thing you need is people pressurising you to stay somewhere you don't want to be when you could be lying on a comfy bed drinking a nightcap and watching telly.

Oh, and the stuff about not wanting to be at a wedding because his marriage ended and he lost a child is yet more attention-seeking in my opinion. It's very sad he lost a child but it's not fair to impose that on you. I lost a sister, she died in her twenties and she was also my best friend, I miss her every day but I still go to places where people have sisters and I don't make other people feel bad for having them either.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:40

To be fair to him, the loss was relatively recent (this year) and the circumstances very tragic. But I don't even know if that was a factor in what's happened today.

I know he was bored. But what can I do about that? I can't make people come and talk to us.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 27/10/2017 01:42

Having had a prolapsed disc, I'm massively sympathetic to back pain. But this sleeping in the car business is very, very strange, if he's sober.

I'd honestly get the train home tomorrow and take some time to think it all through.