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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful evening...wwyd?

404 replies

eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:39

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 00:45

I'd maybe be looking at the relationship as a whole tbh, all health issues aside.

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2017 00:46

He has told me I'm selfish. I make it all about me. I go on too much.

Was this just tonight?

If it’s just the pain talking tonight, you should hopefully get past this when he’s feeling a bit better.

If it’s ongoing it’s not really an indicator of a successful and long lasting relationship.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:48

Boom so what was I supposed to do once He's agreed to stay up a bit longer? Forget that he was in pain, ignore it and just let the evening ride out even when 2 hours later he was looking visibly uncomfortable? That would make me a complete bitch surely.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 00:48

Why are you together?

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:51

He doesn't constantly tell me I'm selfish. He has said it before.

But what's the alternative? I stood outside in the cold and rain in bare feet (because I'd taken my shoes off and thrn had to run after him) asking him to come in , saying I wouldn't even speak to him i just wanted him comfortable in a bed. And he told me to leave him alone or he'd drive home.

I don't know what else I could have done.

OP posts:
CommanderDaisy · 27/10/2017 00:53

He shouldn't have chucked a tantrum or got all passive aggressive about staying.
But.
You said 3 drinks since 1pm. So if I'm interpreting it right that meant he'd been standing around with spinal problems for 8 odd hours. No wonder he wanted to go. So you probably shouldn't have asked him to stay. Nor repeatedly told him to go up after the half hour ( seriously, what was the big difference for you in time? Why bother asking him to stay, then nag him to leave a mere half hour later? If you don't know annyone at the wedding , who cares how it looks?).
I think he's in more pain that you understand and he got the shits with you going on about it, and now just wants to be left alone to deal with both pain and frustration that you won't let it go.
Leave him alone for the night.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:54

I'm with him because I love him. He's clever, funny, handsome. He's all the things I wanted looks / personality in a partner but never had before him.

He's not perfect of course as tonight's debacle demonstrates.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 00:54

Well my response at that point would have been to say fine and leave him to it. He'll be in when he's good and ready.

Bet you find he crawls into bed at 3am or something, when he's ready.

Shadow666 · 27/10/2017 00:54

She didn't force him to do anything. She just asked and he could have said no. His behaviour is classic passive aggressive.

I would leave him alone tonight. He's punishing you for daring to think of yourself for once Think about what that means and who is really the selfish one in this relationship.

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2017 00:54

Honestly OP you’ve asked him to come in and he won’t. He’s now acting like an arse. You can’t control that. Stop replaying it leave him to it and try and get some sleep. X

BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 27/10/2017 00:56

You could have said, "Sorry I asked you to stay up, I shouldn't have done that. Let me know when you've had enough." Then left it, he's an adult. Also he clearly wants some space, leave him alone, all this begging him to go to sleep and chasing him to the car. You sound like you are trying to create drama when he's probably in pain and desperate for a quiet sleep.

ItsAMessyLife · 27/10/2017 00:57

You asked him to stay despite him being in pain and not really enjoying himself because you didn't want to be alone, the bride and groom had paid a lot of money, and you want to be like all the other couples. Then you told him to come to bed because it'd worry YOU if he slept in the car all night. Not to mention the crying outside his car.

If your relationship is usually anything like this I can see why he's reacted in the way he has. It was over the top of him to flounce off but maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/10/2017 00:57

I appreciate that chronic pain can make previously nice people short-tempered and unreasonable, but this bloke sounds like he's milking it for all he's worth.
You don't need to share the details of his problem on here OP but have a think about: what medical treatments he is having and whether he takes his GP's advice or whether he (eg) doesn't do the right exercise, or forgets his meds; whether his problem becomes dramatically worse all of a sudden when he is being asked to do something he doesn't fancy, and how often this has coincided with an event or occasion that's more important to you than to him.

Because if he a) sulked and wouldn't go up to bed and b) decided to sleep in his car, I don't somehow think his health issue is all that big a deal. Some people like to use minor problems as a justification for playing the martyr and having everything their own way.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 00:58

Oh I'm leaving him alone. He made that pretty fucking clear to me.

He was mostly sitting, some standing. I thought I should say - given I'd asked him to stay for a bit- that I was comfortable with him going. I thought that was being considerate. So he wasn't thinking I still wanted/ expected him to stay. But instead he stayed even after I urged him to go and then it was my fault he wanted to go up 2 hours earlier (When in fact I'd been urging him to do so for over an hour).

I feel like I was in a no win situation.

OP posts:
FourPillars · 27/10/2017 01:01

Stop the self-pity, enjoy your nice hotel room and let him calm down in the car. Done.

Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 01:01

It'll be an awkward 60 mile trip home tomorrow, I know that.

The car will be all farty.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 27/10/2017 01:04

How were you both enjoying the day before this evening? Was your dp happy to accompany you to the wedding? Or did you twist his arm and he has felt like a martyr all day? Was your dp engaged, happy and chatting away with you? Or sulking when you made small talk with others? Are you a happy couple in general?

(I am severely disabled and suffer from chronic pain)
I would not have wanted to leave my dh alone, so would have stayed an extra half an hour body willing. Although much longer and I would start passing out, I certainly couldn't spend two hours staying up to spite you! Sleeping in a freezing cold car is ridiculous too.

I do appreciate that pain can cause mood swings (however creating the scene he has is very manipulative, being in pain does not give you a blank check to being a passive aggressive asshole). Do you think your dp is happy? Could he have engineered all of this to create a huge relationship splitting fight? In his place I would have explained that the pain was too much, pop back to the room, rest and take meds. I would have encouraged dh to find friends that he knew and enjoy the rest of the evening. I know my dh would pop up to the room regularly to make sure I was OK.

Is he definitely still in his car? Could he be downstairs drinking in the bar? Is your dp depressed? Could watching other young couples having a good time have been too much for him? Sorry for so many questions!
I know if I am down, I find it hard watching couples dancing, parents walking holding their children's hands (I have been wheelchair bound for six years). But then my dh will give me a kiss and a smile and my kids will run up and hug me and I realise how lucky I still am. It sounds though that your dp is very bitter and angry, which are both understandable emotions. It sounds like he really needs counselling. Perhaps something to suggest for morning x,

I would be having a very serious conversation in the morning! You honestly don't have to live in an emotional minefield, waiting for the next bomb to set him off. Threatening to leave you stranded sixty miles from home is not on! Leave him to stew! Don't accept aggression or nastiness in the morning. You only asked him to stay, he didn't have to!

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:04

I'm considering just getting the train home tomorrow (no idea where the nearest station is but sure I can find it if I need to). I refuse to be beholden to him.

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 27/10/2017 01:05

I'd be ordering room service and watching a film.

And yes open the car doors for a bit before driving home tomorrow Halloween Wink

Ploppie4 · 27/10/2017 01:05

The thing he is an adult and entitled to make his own decisions about bedtime regardless of the pain. He’s not a child OP.

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 01:06

There’s no need to make decisions now. I’d go to sleep and see how you feel in the morning.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 27/10/2017 01:06

Reception desk shoukd be able to help with travel information.

BlueUggs · 27/10/2017 01:06

He’ll come in shortly when he realises how cold and I comfy he is in the car. I’d be asleep and unrousable. 😂

FreakinScaryCaaw · 27/10/2017 01:06

Should

BlueUggs · 27/10/2017 01:06

Uncomfy