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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful evening...wwyd?

404 replies

eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:39

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

OP posts:
DanHumphreyIsA · 27/10/2017 01:42

TBH op it doesn’t sound like he enjoyed it at all really, especially with your recent update about losing a child, depression and so on.

Yes he is probably being passive aggressive now, but if he is depressed, and like you say, having to watch other ‘happy’ people, children, etc I’m not suprised he overreacted.
It sounds like he has a lot more to deal with, than being at a wedding, not particularly doing anything.

As pp have said, you should let it settle over night and take it from there.
Your posts are very much centred on how you feel missing a part of a wedding, how the BG feel (who it doesn’t seem would be THAT bothered).
You also say you wanted him to stay, so you weren’t alone, not so that he could try and enjoy himself (or even both of you together) a bit more.

Missing a small part of a wedding is a very minor inconvenience if you put yourself in his shoes.

Venusflytwat · 27/10/2017 01:44

I think you both sound unreasonable tbh.

You ARE making it all about you.

He’s lost a child this year, his marriage ended, he’s depressed, he finds weddings difficult and he’s in daily pain.

He’s not behaved brilliantly tonight but fucking hell, can you blame him?

LineysRun · 27/10/2017 01:46

X-posted, just saw your update. Good grief, he just lost a child this year. He's grieving, and it'll be raw.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 27/10/2017 01:51

With your last update, I think it was far too soon for your dp to be going to a wedding! Reminded that his son/ daughter would never marry.
I know he agreed last year but with the tragic circumstances since I think its been too much. I think this is more to do with his mental health than his physical pain. He probably seeks numbness from his medication but being surrounded by children and what he has lost could have been too much. I wouldn't be surprised if he engineered the whole fight to get the hell out of the hotel.

Definitely leave him there, he obviously can't cope inside. Hopefully tomorrow he can open up and either apologise or enlighten you to what was going on in his head.

DontMentionTheWar · 27/10/2017 01:53

Losing a child this year is a bit different tbh. I can understand him being depressed and not wanting to be around families in those circumstances. He probably should have just said no to begin with as it's very early days.

CakesRUs · 27/10/2017 01:56

Got to say chronic pain wears you down. Also got to say, hindsight is a wonderful thing and, if the clock could be turned back, it would’ve been better to let him go and made excuses for him.

If you don’t know many people there, and I mean this kindly, most people are in their own little bubble and wouldn’t have minded you leaving.

The problem with ALL AIBU is you only really hear one side of the story.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 27/10/2017 01:57

Given his tragic circumstances I do think that I would be inclined to apologise, tell him you didn't realise how hard it would be for him and that you are sorry for not empathising as well as you could have.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 01:58

I haven't said he can't grieve.

I asked him to stay a little longer. Normally I wouldn't. Normally I am constantly thinking about him, is he happy? How can I make him happy? But having had a few drinks - not sober but not even tipsy really - I was a bit selfish. I wanted to have a nice evening together. We went to a wedding a few years ago, and had an amazing time. I wanted it to be like that.

But if inatead of staying the half hour he'd said sorry no I have to go up now, I wasn't going to physically stop him. I would have been sad and disappointed. But I would have still been able to sleep in the same bed and not gone off to sleep in the car.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2017 02:00

He's in chronic pain and he lost a child this year? No wonder he's depressed!

TBH, I think he should be focusing on himself. He needs counseling and treatment. I don't think he can or should be in a relationship right now. Maybe if he were on his own he'd be more willing to seek help. Sometimes 'being there' for someone is like giving them a crutch when they need to be walking unaided.

Maybe it's time for you to gently tell him that he needs more 'help' than you can give him and let him go.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 02:02

I should add this is the second wedding we've been to this year since his loss, although the previous one was just evening reception but he did stay til the end of that one albeit he was bored then too as I barely knew anyone there either.

OP posts:
enceladus · 27/10/2017 02:03

I'd give him a pass on this one OP. He is not reacting right but I would be interested to hear it from his point of view. You might of said half an hour but he might of interpreted it differently. He has a physical and emotional issue and probably just wasn't comfortable being there in any case. Then the person he relies on or is closest to him was distant (and I am in no way laying any blame on your door, we are all entitled to a good night out) but he just doesn't sound ready to have one and his physical problems for a male could be so frustrating, you might not even get the depth of it. Ask him to come in one last time, tell him you didn't want to pressure him and just let's go to bed and talk in the morning. Don't make drastic statements now. He needs some help.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 27/10/2017 02:03

Poor man he's had an awful year.

Simmy10 · 27/10/2017 02:04

Hi OP. You asked if he could stay a bit longer and he agreed. You didn't force him to stay.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 02:06

I have already apologised to his face and by text. I still don't really understand why he's insisting in sleeping on the car. I said I'd not speak to him if he came in, as he didn't want to talk to me.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 27/10/2017 02:08

A relative had an expression about grief, about it 'disturbing the balance of the mind' - not an original saying, obviously, but very true and wise I think, and he had reason to mean it once. Indeed for a whole year his decision-making was bizarre.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 02:09

I asked him to come in at 1130 when O was outside. At 1230 I text along those lines. He doesn't have any credit so can't rely but he's not returned either.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 27/10/2017 02:10

Does the hotel lock the door at a certain time unless you have a key?

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 02:12

I do understand grief, although I've not suffered the same type of loss, both my parents died in my early 20s, I've no other family. Not the same. Bit I do know that them the one thing I wished I had was a partner to be by my side through it all.

OP posts:
Simmy10 · 27/10/2017 02:12

Hi OP. I would not text him anymore until the morning. Just leave him be and he may calm down. It sounds to me like he is angry about everything that has happened this past year and is using your 30 min request as a scapegoat to vent all that anger

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 02:14

I think reception is 24hr. He doesn't have his key though he left that here.

OP posts:
Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 02:15

I sent 1 text. Won't be sending any more.

Going to try and sleep as I feel terrible. Really stressed and edgy.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 27/10/2017 02:16

His key's in the hotel room?

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 27/10/2017 02:17

You have done all you can op. He needs the space, he needs to be away from the hotel with its reminders of his beautiful child and the dreams he once had for them. Dreams that have been tragically ripped away! Men bottle up grief, losing a child is soul ripping and coupled with a struggle to express that, the last thing he likely wants is to have to talk or explain. Has he read your messages (do you have delivery reports?).

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 02:18

His room key? Yes he left it here when he stormed out to his car.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 27/10/2017 02:18

Yes, get some sleep. I guess reception will call you or let him in in the morning.

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