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Original poster

I have been given an ultimatum - what would you do?

189 replies

toccata010 · 23/09/2017 13:23

Been married to DH for 25 years. Our marriage has deteriorated but despite no sex we are good friends and live with our 2 children happily without any arguments. We own our house, have no money worries and have given our children the best education we can afford. DH works long hours in respected and highly paid position and I am a SAHM. We operate well together and from the outside I don't think anyone would think we have any major problems.

Last week DH gave me a letter in which he said I have 2 options.

  1. Divorce
  1. A recommencement of our sex life (non existent for over 7 years) but he will allow me to have my own private life if I choose to - as long as we stay together.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Notears · 23/09/2017 13:26

What does he mean by your own private life?

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 23/09/2017 13:26

Why has your sex life been non existent?
What do you mean by allow you to have your own private life?
What Do you want to do?

Bmarie · 23/09/2017 13:26

What does he mean your own private life? (Sorry may be being thick!)

honeylulu · 23/09/2017 13:27

What does 2 mean? Are there actually two parts to it - either recommence a sex life or agree to an open marriage where you are both free to have other partners?

Branleuse · 23/09/2017 13:27

Id have been wondering why we werent having sex a lot sooner than 7 years tbh.

What do you want to do? Obviously carrying on as before isnt an option. Do you feel the relationship is repairable?

Westiegirl3 · 23/09/2017 13:28

7 years is a long time, why has it gone on so long.

Not sure what option 2 means? Open marriage for both of you?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/09/2017 13:30

I'm not sure that a threatening letter is the best way to get a woman into bed.

What does he mean by your own private life?

How do you feel about having sex with him? In which way did your marriage deteriorate?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/09/2017 13:31

And is he looking to have his own private life as well?

AgathaRaisonDetra · 23/09/2017 13:31

I would question why there has been celibacy for 7 years. I have been with my DH for 17 years and we're still like newlyweds.

AgathaRaisonDetra · 23/09/2017 13:34

"Marriage deteriorated" ..... " from the outside"....... you both need counselling VERY quickly.

Appuskidu · 23/09/2017 13:35

7 years! Why?! I have a feeling there is a massive backstory here!

Notears · 23/09/2017 13:35

Based on those two options, I would divorce.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2017 13:36

Can you clarify #2, please?

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 23/09/2017 13:36

I assume by "private life" your husband means that if you want to stay together and don't want to recommence sex with him, he wants to open your marriage and for both of you to have permission to seek sex outside it.

Sorry, but I don't think he's been living with you as "happily" as you think and evidently he's at the end of his tether. Open relationships can be done, but they're hard to pull off and require a lot of honesty and negotiation. I don't really see you starting to have sex with him again at this stage - do you? - or presumably you'd have done it at some time in the last 7 years. So I think your best option is divorce as amicably as possible, unless you really think you'll be OK with letting him seek out sex on the side. And what if you do do that, and one of you falls for a sex partner (quite likely)?

Original poster
toccata010 · 23/09/2017 13:36

I asked him to clarify it - he says I would be free to have sex outside of our marriage if I wanted to.

Yes, 7 years is a very long time but strange as it sounds, we are good friends and during that time we had many other things going on in our life so as unreal as it may sound, not having sex wasn't a problem for either of us.

I don't feel that I can start of have sex with him again after so long - he like a very good friend to me and I don't have those kind of feelings anymore. But he says he does for me.

OP posts:
Ecadia · 23/09/2017 13:37

I'm confused by number 2. Also 7years is a long time for a couple to go with sex

Original poster
toccata010 · 23/09/2017 13:38

Tiramisu, that was my initial reaction. But to divorce will cause so much pain and upset to so many people around us. I am not sure I can do that.

OP posts:
TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 23/09/2017 13:38

not having sex wasn't a problem for either of us.

He's telling you right now that it's been a problem for him, one he's willing to end your marriage over.

flumpybear · 23/09/2017 13:39

Can you just have on open relationship instead? Both have sex elsewhere if that's what you want, but keep your family together?

Original poster
toccata010 · 23/09/2017 13:39

So I either concede and give him what he wants (and which I don't want) or I divorce and cause havoc and pain to those around me I love.

OP posts:
Ecadia · 23/09/2017 13:40

Based on your comment I'd say divorce is your best option. As you've said you don't have those feelings anymore and your partner does. An open relationship probably won't end well

upperlimit · 23/09/2017 13:41

Is it that you no longer find him sexually attractive, or that you don't find anyone sexually attractive?

Original poster
toccata010 · 23/09/2017 13:41

flumpybear - that would be my preference but he says he wants sex with me - he says that he's happy for me to have sex outside of our marriage but our sex life has to re-start. I did ask him if he wanted sex outside of our marriage and he said he hadn't thought about it - and that his main concern was that we stay together.

OP posts:
TheFifthKey · 23/09/2017 13:41

Why is it all about you though? I think he's set out the options pretty fairly, actually. Admittedly in a blunt and insensitive way, but realistically those are the options, if sex is an issue for him, which it seems it is.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 23/09/2017 13:42

to divorce will cause so much pain and upset to so many people around us. I am not sure I can do that.

I'm not sure you have a choice. It seems he doesn't want to be celibate and partnered with someone who thinks of him as a very good friend, and I wouldn't either. That's soul-destroying.