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Original poster

I have been given an ultimatum - what would you do?

189 replies

toccata010 · 23/09/2017 13:23

Been married to DH for 25 years. Our marriage has deteriorated but despite no sex we are good friends and live with our 2 children happily without any arguments. We own our house, have no money worries and have given our children the best education we can afford. DH works long hours in respected and highly paid position and I am a SAHM. We operate well together and from the outside I don't think anyone would think we have any major problems.

Last week DH gave me a letter in which he said I have 2 options.

  1. Divorce
  1. A recommencement of our sex life (non existent for over 7 years) but he will allow me to have my own private life if I choose to - as long as we stay together.

What would you do?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 23/09/2017 13:52

“not having sex wasn't a problem for either of us.”

Well clearly it is for your husband.

“I didn't ask for this choice to be given to me.”

No, but you forced him to make this choice. Did you in all honesty expect him to want to live a celibate life for the rest of his life?

Original poster
toccata010 · 23/09/2017 13:52

He is suggesting an open marriage as long as I have sex with him too.

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 23/09/2017 13:53

Crossed posts - I hadn't seen the 'unpleasant' bit. I take back quite a lot of the sympathy for him I expressed in my previous post, and recommend divorce more emphatically.

Londonlady2015 · 23/09/2017 13:53

I can't really see a relationship existing healthily without any form of sexual intimacy tbh. Of course there can be droughts but seven years is extreme. Fab you see him as a mate - but clearly he doesn't want that kind of relationship with you.

Perhaps as a PP mentioned counselling could be a good start. Hope it all works out in some way.

upperlimit · 23/09/2017 13:54

I think him putting it in a letter is fair enough. This situation is seven years in the making. They haven't become experts at ignoring this. At least if it's on paper it's all down before you start couching your language around the other person's reactions.

The whole, you can get sex out of the marriage if you can tolerate sex in it is weird and desperate though.

theftbyfinding · 23/09/2017 13:54

Well they do say marriage is a good environment to raise kids and you've raised those kids now. I'd say it's time to get out and let him, and you, meet the right sexual partner.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 13:55

Ow and he wants you to be the one who suggests divorce. .
He can place all blame at your door.
No way would he have sex with you if you had also been elsewhere imo. .

SandyY2K · 23/09/2017 13:56

Why have you chosen to bury your head in the sand?
No sex was fine for you. It's not fine for him.

Your husband wants a sexual relationship with you or a divorce. His ultimatum is very fair.

Why exactly do you think a normal healthy man would be thrilled with your set up?

I'm sorry to say but I find this rather delusional. When I hear women like you saying "DH has left for an OW and I'm devastated "... I honestly can't understand why.

Divorce let him find a woman is attracted enough to sleep with him.

I find your attitude very selfish.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/09/2017 13:57

Why has he approached it like this? No discussion first?

Do NOT have sex with him if you don't want to. Ugh he's trying to blackmail you into sex - I'm sure there's a name for that Angry

He is entitled to have a partner who wants sex with him but that's not you - he doesn't get to force you into anything.

Threatening that divorce will be unpleasant? Yeah that's not an aphrodisiac is it.

He's entitled to want a sex life. He's entitled to want a conversation, and a decision about whether to stay together or not. But the way he is going about it is gross.

theftbyfinding · 23/09/2017 13:57

If I hadn't has sex with my dh for seven years, finding out he'd been with someone else would hardly put her in ow territory, given the sexual connotations of the term. A marriage devoid of any sex is a friendship, not a marriage.

Original poster
toccata010 · 23/09/2017 13:57

If I was brave enough I would divorce him. But I have no confidence that I will be ok on my own - yes, I have had a good lifestyle and benefits but I have made sacrifices of my own to enable him to progress so far as he has in his career.

OP posts:
HailLapin · 23/09/2017 13:58

You're happy to have a marriage that is more like a friendship , but he isn't. Get a divorce op , let him go.

Why do you care what other people will think of your split?

MadMags · 23/09/2017 13:58

Have you suggested that he have sex elsewhere?

IMO forcing yourself to have sex when someone is never a solution to a problem.

HailLapin · 23/09/2017 13:59

Just read your last post op. So this is about money and fear of being alone? Not good reasons to stay married.

yetmorecrap · 23/09/2017 13:59

Some people find it easier to put in a letter so they don't miss anything out, I told my first husband by letter when I wanted to divorce and then came back after a day away to discuss, it was easier than stuff being thrown around etc in front of me

LetsSplashMummy · 23/09/2017 14:00

Surely you can have a conversation about how you might restart the intimacy and agree that being blackmailed isn't a good approach but neither is ignoring the problem.

Could you start doing something together, like a dance class or massage class or something kind of intimate where you might start to see him in a new, attractive, light? Watch erotic films together? Talk about how to get there and at least try, I think if you jump straight to divorce or straight into sex you aren't keen on you will regret it.

Original poster
toccata010 · 23/09/2017 14:01

No it is not about money - I have my own money if you need to know and would be totally self sufficient. It is about my family and I feel that if I do not agree to his wishes and we divorce then it will be me who the children will blame.

OP posts:
LetsSplashMummy · 23/09/2017 14:02

Cross posted with your "not brave enough" post, it doesn't sound like you can, or want, to get this relationship back to sexual. Good luck, you will be cope on your own and find strength you didn't know you had.

Ploppie4 · 23/09/2017 14:02

Go see a sex therapist together.

BeyondThePage · 23/09/2017 14:03

he's probably having sex with someone else already, and wants you to end the marriage.

HailLapin · 23/09/2017 14:03

Why would the children blame you?

Anecdoche · 23/09/2017 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wherearemymarbles · 23/09/2017 14:04

If would say the way he has written it, its been an issue for him for a while. I suspect he knows you dont fancy him but doesnt want to hear it. And who can blame him.

I suggest you divorce. Lets face why should you get the life you want knowing that he cant.?

Also count your blessing, not many men would go 7 years without sex

LoniceraJaponica · 23/09/2017 14:04

Is it worth going to see a therapist or going for marriage guidance counselling?

SparklingRaspberry · 23/09/2017 14:05

OP sorry to say, but it doesn't matter if you think you've been such good friends and so happy without sex, the fact is your husband HASNT! You may have been alright with it, you may have even thought he was also okay with it, but he clearly wasn't and you're extremely naive to believe he ever was. Why would a healthy man with a sex drive be okay with a sexless marriage for 7 years? Hmm

He's either been having it away elsewhere OR he's finally run out of patience and is now at the cross roads. And to honest after 7 years I don't blame him.

You have a decision to make OP. But I have to say, if you wasn't so care free financially and instead you had a huge mortgage hanging over your head still and wasn't so lucky with regards to money, you probably wouldn't have classed the last 7 years as so happy.

It seems like you wish to continue this lovely life style you've been having on YOUR terms ie no sex or intimacy.

If you don't want to be intimate with your own husband let him go to find somebody who will be. Being "best friends" isn't reason enough to stay with him. Is he your best friend because he provides you with this life style? Would he still be your best friend that you wanted to stay with if you were in massive debt? I doubt it...

A marriage involves two people not one. If you aren't willing to be a wife, let him be a husband to somebody else. But to be brutually honest I'm surprised it's taken 7 years for this to happen.

It's not all about money and a nice lifestyle OP. Either sort yourself and your marriage out or be prepared to go through divorce and lose him to somebody who actually wants him as a husband and not just for the money/lifestyle he provides

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