I have been given an ultimatum - what would you do?

[toccata010]

Been married to DH for 25 years. Our marriage has deteriorated but despite no sex we are good friends and live with our 2 children happily without any arguments. We own our house, have no money worries and have given our children the best education we can afford. DH works long hours in respected and highly paid position and I am a SAHM. We operate well together and from the outside I don't think anyone would think we have any major problems.

Last week DH gave me a letter in which he said I have 2 options.

1. Divorce

1. A recommencement of our sex life (non existent for over 7 years) but he will allow me to have my own private life if I choose to - as long as we stay together.

What would you do?

Why do you not have a job?

The op says she has her own money and won't struggle financially when/ if they separate.

The DH highlighted that it will be unpleasant to divorce. He didn't say he would make it unpleasant.

I don't know why people need to construct a pantomime villain out of the op or her dh. It's just a bit of a shit situation.

The op failed to mention affairs which actually do change the whole point of the original op.
I also doubt very much that she has her own money either, it’s not like she’s been completely honest with herself, let alone us.

So its a shit marriage?

He had an affair 20 some years ago. Op tried to have an affair last year because she couldnt get over his affair years ago.

But op stayed with her dh for years, made career sacrifices and dealt with it by trying to have an affair. It seems frim the other thread thay the OM is the one that wasnt interested.

This thread could be just as easily that the Op no longer fancies her husband but likes her lifestyle. She hasnt made any sacrifices. Because these 'sacrfices' suited her. She expects her dh to have a sexless marriage or shag other women so she can keep her lifestyle. Doesnt matter if he feels rejected by her.

But his affair, 20 some years ago, drove her to an affair last year. But she would be ok with him sleeping with other women. The whole 'i want to stay together for the kids' is bollocks.

She wants the lifestyle and expects her dh to be suck it up. Op may say she is financially self sufficent. But alot of what she says isnt the full story.

It sounds like a bad marriage and he has finally had enough. Op wants cling on to her lifestyle.

Divorce is the only sensible option.

He keeps mentioning how ok he is with you having sex with other people as well and that is projection. That's his plan. He wants to keep all of his bases open. He wants regular sex with you and also to be free to have sex with other people as well. WHY ELSE WOULD HE SAY THAT HE'S OK WITH YOU HAVING SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE TOO and so for this reason and because you don't find him attractive and don't want to have sex with him, I think you have to choose ''divorce''.

It doesn't have to be as painful as you think.

Well that took a bit of a turn. You seem much more disconnected from your husband than I think you realise yourself. It shows in your unwillingness to consider relationship counselling. You don't want to look at / pick over / make changes in the marriage, you'd just like it to stay as it is now. But we can't just preserve things as we want them to be when the other person is desperate for change. So if it's change or bust the whole thing up, you'll go for the latter and divorce. It will probably work out better all round a bit further down the line.

Go for the open relationship.

He gets what he wants, you might also get what you want if you fancy other people. (however, edit number 2 - if you don't want to have sex with him that's kind of off the table. Allow him to get it elsewhere.)

How old are your children? How are you financially self-sufficient if you're a sahm?

Get a divorce, get a job and live your life.

Tameagobairanois Perhaps because she already tried to pursue an affair. He knows she wants to have sex outside the marriage. And he wants to have sex with her.

As i said sounds like a bad marriage.it could be as you say and he is manoeuvring her so he can have it all.

Or he might be desperate to remain marraied and thinks this is a good idea. People often suggest ridiculous ideas to keep their marriages together.

Appuskidu I not sure the OP’s finances (other than the fact that she would be ok) are relevant here.

There are all manner of ways a SAHM could be financially independent.

She may have investments, property and savings from her working days.

She may have inherited wealth or a lottery win.

The family savings and investments might be so large as to comfortably spilt into two.

Not sure the nitty gritty is our business.

Having read through the further comments I am going to make a post so that I can try to clarify things although I am sure I won't be able to fully do that to everyone's satisfaction!

Firstly, there are SAHMs in this world who do not need to work and I don't feel that I have to explain my situation any further. Aside to say that I have never claimed a penny from the state and so the fact that I don't have a job is really nobody's business.

Secondly, DH and I had a frank an open discussion last night and have come to an agreement, for the time being. We are not planning to divorce because neither of us want to cause the huge upset to our family that it inevitably will. We will attempt to resume a sexual relationship (and that will take effort and compromise from both of us and not just from me). However, both of us are free to do as we wish outside of our marriage. We both have lives of our own, friends of our own, interests of our own etc and we feel this is the best solution for us currently.

Our children are still our children and just because they are at university or studying A levels doesn't mean that they are not dependent on us and still very much a part of our family. We both have their well being in all aspects at the very top of our priorities.

And for the posters who were so quick to judge me for my emotional affair, yes it was wrong of me but it was't done as some kind of revenge for my husband's affair. I still don't feel that it was relevant to the question I asked in my opening post - I didn't reveal that DH had an affair either - even if it was 20 years ago. It actually doesn't matter how long ago it was but it happened. But neither is relevant to the question I asked - there seems to be an entitlement of knowledge/revelation by some posters. And to put people's minds at rest (as I am sure there will be assumptions made), the OM with whom I had this emotional attachment to is single and has no children - and is still in contact with me.

I do love DH and he loves me - ours might not be a conventional marriage but we care deeply for each other. I hope that explains a little of why we have decided on this path.

OP, I guess be it 6 months to a year before you are back posting on here doing your emotional hand wringing again.

Your marriage is a mess. It will continue to be a mess. Peace of mind won't come from sweeping it under the carpet.

Thanks for the constructive comment. I don’t have the time or the inclination to post as frequently as you might on mumsnet. I’m not saying my marriage is perfect by any means. I hope you have the perfect life though.

This whole "children will be devastated if we divorce" I can assure you as a child of divorced parents it is bullshit. Having divorced parents has not upset or hindered my life in the slightest and it happened when I was a kid, if your children are grown up then they will understand. Stay together if you wish but please don't use the "it's for the children" excuse because that's all it is, an excuse.

Dear Tocatta,

You do what you like. You've had a frank chat with him last night, which was a good start. Your kids maybe DO need five more years or so for the family home to remain as it is.

I think this is a step on the path.....the question is where that path leads, but it's a step forwards nonetheless.

Good luck with rekindling.....and what about the other man for you? If he is still around, I'd wonder what is going to happen there....

Just privately get used to the idea of the end being on its way somehow. That's all I'd say. You may fall in love, your husband may meet some hot young thing.

I have not judged you at all. Life is rarely black and white and choices can be difficult. Family is a deep matter and a strong bond and you are not alone in making choices that feel like compromises.

Just be aware that your husband may one day say he wants that divorce. And it may not be the end of the world .....and you may be able to do it amicably and with the least disruption for your children.

Very best of luck to you.

So you've agreed to try and resume sex with each other AND shag around?

"Fuck me or I'll divorce you."

I'd be pointing out that sex under duress is in fact rape.
Then I'd be off to see a solicitor

No one should stay in a marriage they don't want to and your h is perfectly within his rights to leave for any reason, including no sex. He does NOT have the right to coerce or pressure you, or to word an ultimatum so that 'it's your fault' you 'have to divorce.'

Get his ultimatum in writing if you can (text him to say you're upset he's giving you a choice of sex you don't want or divorce.)
Then divorce him. Make sure you get a fair settlement.

He got all his own way then ?

Righty-ho

I look forward to welcoming your DH as a client very soon.

I don't understand why you're condemning this man to a life stuck with you. He clearly is trying very hard to reignite his marriage with you and obviously loves you otherwise he wouldn't be making the effort, it's not the best way to go about it, but at least he's trying!

He's only agreeing with you about not divorcing because he doesn't want that, you should of absolutely told him that the divorce was the best option because you know it is! Because you know you will never be able to fulfil his happiness and you are imprisoning him to a life stuck with you and you give him nothing.
It actually angers me so much that he is even willing to allow you a private life outside of the marriage as if you deserve that kind of luxury.

My god I hope this man truly sees who he is with and leaves you for good.

He got all his own way then ?

It sounds like a good situation for the OP, too. She is still in contact with the OM and now she can have guilt free sex with him if she is so inclined.

So how did it go from " I know my only option is divorce " and deciding on that to now having an open marriage and you having sex with him when you made it clear on here, that was that's not what you want?

I think it'd effect your kids more knowing their parents were both fucking other people than it would if you divorced.

If you're happy for him to go shagging about then just divorce as I'm really not seeing the point?

This whole thread is "odd" mary