I have been given an ultimatum - what would you do?

[toccata010]

Been married to DH for 25 years. Our marriage has deteriorated but despite no sex we are good friends and live with our 2 children happily without any arguments. We own our house, have no money worries and have given our children the best education we can afford. DH works long hours in respected and highly paid position and I am a SAHM. We operate well together and from the outside I don't think anyone would think we have any major problems.

Last week DH gave me a letter in which he said I have 2 options.

1. Divorce

1. A recommencement of our sex life (non existent for over 7 years) but he will allow me to have my own private life if I choose to - as long as we stay together.

What would you do?

to be honest toccata, I dont think its just that he has feelings this way for you if he has even mentioned opening it up, I think he has decided again for whatever reason he wants sex back in the equation, (or has someone ongoing already or lined up) so I think what he is saying is we either divorce OR we stay married and he then wants to shag about a bit, as he knows full well you arent really interested in him that
way anymore. I would say either divorce or totally suprise/shock him, take him up on option 2 and get yourself a handsome dude boyfriend.

I'd suggest option 3 of giving marriage counselling a go.

Is there a reason why you don't want to have sex with him? Would your preference be to stay in a sexless marriage?

I think he wants sex outside of the marriage.....of course he has thought about it....

Well at the moment you are enforcing celibacy on our husband which isn't fair on him. So yes, you have to make choice. If you no longer love him divorce him. You can still be friends and co-parent.

I don't know what you mean "why is it all about me"?

It's only about me because he has asked me to make a choice and I am torn as what to do - I didn't ask for this choice to be given to me.

I don't find him sexually attractive any longer and I don't know why. He's a good looking man, funny and kind but sexually it is not there for me. And yes, I do find other men attractive when I look at them so it is not a case of not having those kind of feelings any longer.

Yeah, sorry ignore my question. I thought he meant he was happy to find sex elsewhere and continue in a sexless marriage.

Given the options, I would divorce him.

In fairness, sex is an important part of most relationships, even if it's not to you. I don't think it's fair to expect your husband to be satisfied with having you as a 'friend' for the rest of your married lives.

He's entitled to want a sex life. It doesn't mean you have to have sex with him by any means but he's spelled out for you that he wants to have sex and if you don't he will end your relationship to find one where he does. All fine so far.

The ODD bit is firstly doing it in a letter and secondly saying you can have sex outwith the marriage too but he isn't considering it.

Does he think you're having an affair?

Divorce. Nobody would threaten me into bed.

I'd go for no. 2.

I agree that it isn't fair on him and I have been open and said to him that I don't think I can give him what he wants. But he says he is so desperate for us to stay together that as long as I start to have sex with him then it will be ok for him - and that I can have sex outside of our marriage. He doesn't seem to acknowledge me saying that I don't think I can give him what he's wanting.

I would suggest you aren’t such good friends as you thought if this has come out of the blue and by letter.

Is marriage counselling not an option as a first step?

If married 25 years, is it correct to assume your children are grown up?

Yeah, but that is madness. You don't earn a sex life out of your marriage by having sex with your DH!

I think it is totally reasonable for him to want a sex life with his own wife. A sexless marriage wouldn't work for me, at all. What about going to a sex therapist together? Wouldn't that be worth a try?

I'm not sure anyone will understand this but I do feel cornered by him. Yes, we haven't had sex for 7 years and there has not been an issue with it in the past. And then suddenly this letter whereby I feel that I have no option - he said the alternative i.e. divorce will be unpleasant.

He told you he'd not thought about having sex with anyone else. That's total bullshit and you know it. Of course he's thought about it. So he's lying to you.

I'd assume because if you opt for an open marriage then he can too.

He's threatening you into a sexual relationship with him. I think everyone but him can see what that's not going to work.

You talk a lot about his respected job, your lack of money worries, good education for your dc etc. You write as if you're a bit bemused that you've 'suddenly' had this ultimatum. Then you say you didn't ask for this choice. Are you cross with him for upsetting the applecart? It sounds as if things suit you, because you have his (effectively platonic) company and his provision of the trappings of a good lifestyle for you and the dc, but that - and especially if he's prepared to accept that you also have sex elsewhere - he's been very unhappy for a very long time. Tbh, I feel for him, and I struggle to warm to you or to get my head round your lack of acceptance of your part of the responsibility for this.

If you really don't want to try and re-find your sexual relationship, with counselling if necessary, let him go. Be fair. Don't take him to the cleaners; work out a fair settlement (esp wrt the children) and accept the loss of his company and your lifestyle. What he is proposing seems born out of despair and I can't imagine it would do other than eat away at him and your marriage in the long term.

Try it. You might like it.

That's incredibly sad. It sounds like he's given you this letter in desperation. It would be kinder to divorce if you really can't see yourself wanting him in that way.

Easier said than done though, isn't it?

I think he is suggesting an open marriage by number two.

One child is a university the other doing A levels - we are a very close family despite everything.

A friendship is not a marriage. Where both partners in a marriage are genuinely happy for the relationship to be purely platonic that is absolutely fine. However, the norm is that a marriage includes sexual intimacy. Your husband is clearly not happy with a sexless marriage and it's selfish and deluded of you to claim that he is. The letter may seem extreme but I'll bet it is the last act of a desperate man and he's given you plenty of signs before this, you've just chosen to pretend they didn't exist.

If you don't want to sleep with him you shouldn't, not even to save your marriage so i would say divorce is your only viable option. People may be hurt but they'll get over it and divorces can actually be amicable.