I have been given an ultimatum - what would you do?

[toccata010]

Been married to DH for 25 years. Our marriage has deteriorated but despite no sex we are good friends and live with our 2 children happily without any arguments. We own our house, have no money worries and have given our children the best education we can afford. DH works long hours in respected and highly paid position and I am a SAHM. We operate well together and from the outside I don't think anyone would think we have any major problems.

Last week DH gave me a letter in which he said I have 2 options.

1. Divorce

1. A recommencement of our sex life (non existent for over 7 years) but he will allow me to have my own private life if I choose to - as long as we stay together.

What would you do?

I bet if you went for the open marriage option at some point one of you would meet someone else and divorce anyway.

He probably waited 7 years because being a good father is more important to him than PIV. The children have finished school so time is up.

As OP described he's attractive enough and has money. He doesn't need to cheat because he could be with someone new quicker than you can say decree nici.

If I was in his shoes I could imagine doing exactly the same thing tbh.

flumpybear - I think too long has gone by and I do not have those kind of feelings for him anymore.

OP, didn't you have an affair last year that you posted about?

I really think you owe it to DH to allow him to find happiness with someone who really loves him.

He has emphasised to me all the pain and upset that divorce will cause

Reading between the lines - taking into account what you have said about him still finding you sexually attractive - this sounds as if he is trying to see if you would be willing to work towards repairing the partnership. It sounds as if he wants to stay married to you if you can both sort this issue out.

In your OP you said that you are good friends and operate well together. If that's the case is there a reason why you would not be willing to try counselling? There's nothing to stop you having an honest conversation with your DH - because honesty is required here - telling him that you don't have those feelings, but that you're willing to look at counselling to see if it will help.

Counselling does NOT mean that there is a guaranteed fix at the end of it - it may be that the counselling ends up bringing you both to an agreement to split. But equally the counselling could help you both to try and re-start your sex life. It seems a shame to end a 25 year marriage to a man you say you have an otherwise good relationship with, without looking at alternatives first.

NewDaddie and anyone with the misfortune of being married to you would be mighty relieved if you did.

I believe that sex or some other kind of physical intimacy is crucial in a marriage.

I would be very unhappy in his shoes and can see exactly where he's coming from.

Why don't you try going to see a couples counsellor who specialises in these kinds of issues. Maybe they can help to reignite your feelings for him? Surely it's worth a go if the alternative is a divorce that you don't want.

You are not the victim here op. Your poor husband has lived without sex for 7 years. You have been completely happy so you have assumed very selfishly of course he is happy too without really thinking about him. He is obviously deeply unhappy with this. He would love to stay married to you but can't handle the complete ban on sex any more (fair bloody enough) so is trying to work out what choices there are. I would start by recognising this is at least partly your fault and unless there is some reason he's been a complete dick 7 years ago to kick it off, pretty much completely your fault. And apologise for him having gone through 7 years of it and you assuming he is fine and not thinking about him because you are happy with the set up. Acknowledge to him that he has been a saint.

Would you be happy with him having sex elsewhere ?

If so tell him he has a choice, divorce or finding a sex buddy

Thanks for all your advice, I have lots to think about but I do feel, right now, that divorce is my only option.

I do care and love DH and I want him to be happy and I realise that he is perfectly entitled to a sex life. My life would be so simple if I could give him that, but as I said, I can not pretend to feel what I do not.

Although our marriage has been to many people a sham (if they knew the truth behind it) we have had many happy times as a family but I can not keep pretending that is is ok.

I too have been a good mother NewDaddie.

Thanks to you all for your wise advice.

I sometimes forget to do a search, wish I had.

Most of the advice on here has been given in ignorance.

Hang on...

Someone suggestion that you have posted about an affair. That would change things a bit, wouldn't it?

Does your husband know that you had a boyfriend last year?

Bluit I don't search posters' histories before replying to them. If they have a backstory which should be taken into consideration then this should be mentioned in the current thread. Advice may be - unintentionally - given in ignorance because people will take the OP at face value.

Divorce is your only option. Surely you wouldn't be able to live with yourself denying him a sex luge whilst having one yourself?

I think giving a letter is reasonable. It means it can deliver the message clearly and in a calm manner.

I think his choices are fair too although you can of course suggest alternatives.

Did you ever talk about the lack of sex? If not why do you assume he was happy with the situation.

I'd suggest marriage counciling either yo help negotiate a healthy divotce or to work out if an open relationship might work.

It makes the situation more straightforward that you know you don't ever want sex with him.

A healthy divorce sounds like the best outcome.

Yes he does - it was never a physical relationship and I told him about it. Someone I knew from a long time ago got in contact with me but I stopped it before it progressed.

He's met somebody else but wants to have his cake and eat it.

Has he made "advances" to you during the seven years, but you have chosen to - er - "withheld your favours"? Or have neither of you bothered?

If he hasn't tried snuggling up for seven years and now wants a physical relationship - I wonder what has prompted his sudden ardour.

I don't really understand option 2, why would he want you to have sex with him whilst letting you sleep with other people? Why not give you the option of carrying on as you are but you both see other people?

I think I would just pick option one, simply because he has handed you a bit of paper with 2 options on. Who does this? What's wrong with talking to each other? The marriage is clearly over and has been for some time. You are just staying together so your kids get a good education and a unbroken family?

You had an affair? Oh my goodness, massive dripfeed!

I had wondered if he wanted to avoid putting himself in the position of adulterer - which he would be if only he was having extra-marital relationships - and safeguarding himself against you divorcing him.

Again, thank you to all the posters who have given me good solid advice. I am sorry that didn't say about the emotional attachment I had with someone last year, I really didn't feel it was relevant to what I was asking now.

I have decided what I am going to do. I think my husband believes that I will stay with him but I can't do this any longer, my heart is not in it.

Thank you again, I'm going to sign off now as I am sure there will be posters keen to have a go at me and quite frankly I'm not feeling emotionally strong enough to deal with them.

No excuse for having an emotional affair but I too can not forget the affair my husband had when we had only been married for 3 years. So yes, there is a lot more to my story than I initially spoke about. But I wanted to have advice on my current situation and thank you to those that gave that to me, I really do appreciate your advice.