I have been given an ultimatum - what would you do?

[toccata010]

Been married to DH for 25 years. Our marriage has deteriorated but despite no sex we are good friends and live with our 2 children happily without any arguments. We own our house, have no money worries and have given our children the best education we can afford. DH works long hours in respected and highly paid position and I am a SAHM. We operate well together and from the outside I don't think anyone would think we have any major problems.

Last week DH gave me a letter in which he said I have 2 options.

1. Divorce

1. A recommencement of our sex life (non existent for over 7 years) but he will allow me to have my own private life if I choose to - as long as we stay together.

What would you do?

If I was brave enough I would divorce him.

You talk about how great and close the two of you have been without sex, but then say this.

Can't have been that good a relationship. He's been harbouring thoughts about the lack of sex and you jump straight to wanting a divorce (albeit not "brave enough) following this letter.

If you wanted to be with him, you'd go back and say "there is a third option. It's marriage counselling. And once we have done that, we can then decide on option 1 or 2"

I am very sorry that you are facing this choice.

There again, I just can't imagine staying for so long in a relationship with someone i actively do not find sexually attractive. The lack of attraction, for me, has 'always' been a sign that something is off in the relationship. Do you already know what it is, for you? What has changed? Are you being taken for granted? Is he doing, or wanting to do, something that is unappealing to you? Was he a means to an end, rather than someone you actively wanted to share your life with? These are no reasons that need to be shared in a public forum, but i would expect you to know the answers for yourself.

Without that information, no advice is really going to be useful. My initial reaction would be to bite the bullet and divorce. Before doing that, though, I would have tried to work out what is putting you off, so that I could at least be honest with myself, even if i didn't choose to share that information with anyone else.

Hope you find a way forward, with which you can be comfortable.

You have option C, do nothing. And then he would have to do something.

It's quite a strange offer on his part, he isn't looking for an open marriage for himself, he's offering it to you as long as you have sex with him as well. So it's sex with him or divorce, so why say you can sleep with others? that's sort of irrelevant unless he thinks sex with others will get your mojo back and he will benefit from that.

What about jealousy from him though if he loves you?

Look, on the plus side he is communicating pretty clearly with you. So, have a proper conversation on this. Explain you don't feel sexual about him, neither of you want to be divorced so what does keeping the marriage together look like? Why is he keen for you to have sex outside the marriage if he's not interested?

Maybe he thinks you already are getting your sexual needs metelsewher, this could be him saying "I want to be with you regardless but please can WE rekindle our relationship"

I'd say counselling, both marriage and sex.

The children will be happy if you are both happy, eventually. Even if they knew it was because you didn't want the intimacy (prob too much information for them though), they would still want you and their dad to be happy, whether together or apart.

And you can still be clear you would have happily remained in a celibate marriage but it was unfair to expect their dad to if he was unhappy. There are options, you don't have to be the bad guy here, but neither does your dh. It's been a good marriage but has run it's natural course. Who knows, you may fall for someone fabulous once divorced? Or at least find life expands in ways you never imagined. Staying stuck here is not an option. The children will be off your hands before you know it and the cold marital bed is all that awaits you...

Well, are you prepared to resurrect your sexual relationship with DH?
If not, then you must be fair and go for divorce IMHO.

DH & I haven't DTD for years, both of us have completely lost our libidos (both in our late 50's, so not terribly old). We are physically affectionate though. If DH recovered his sex drive and wanted to resume I'd probably go to GP to see if anything can help recover my libido. I certainly wouldn't enforce celibacy on DH or give OK to stray.

You can't effectively be blackmailed into having sex with him, so it's looking like divorce. If he were saying he'd like to stay married without having sex with you, as long as you were happy for him to get sex outside the relationship, that would be a viable option and one I'd suggest you consider. However what he appears to be saying here is it's either a divorce or what would be coercive sex. That to me would mean the marriage isn't worth saving.

I think you should divorce

He deserves more from a relationship and so do you.
It sounds as if you’re more worried about the lack of lifestyle rather than ‘causing pain and heartache to everyone around’
Your children are probably aware there is something not quite right

How come this hasn't been discussed at some point in the last 7 years?

How old are the children?

Why don't you find him sexually attractive any more? Has he changed? Have you? Are you stuck in a routine or habit of not having sex that's now hard to break? How do you feel about having sex with him? Scared? Worried? Frightened? Bored? Too many other things on your mind to be bothered? Even if you don't think you want to right now, could it be possible in the future? You say you find other people sexually attractive, but would you actually want to have sex with them? It's become a deal-breaker for him. The question is, is it the same for you?

OP have you thought about how you can try and go forwards from this? TBH it sounds as if you'd prefer things to just carry on as they are because you're happy with the status quo. But your DH is not happy, so is it fair for you to expect him to put up with things as they are?

I know this will sound harsh - I am not trying to be deliberately goady or unkind - but your post is all about you. You don't seem to have given any thought to how your DH feels in amongst all of this. Look at the two options you've posted:

I don't feel that I can start of have sex with him again after so long - he like a very good friend to me and I don't have those kind of feelings anymore.

And -

But to divorce will cause so much pain and upset to so many people around us. I am not sure I can do that

Where are your DH's wants and needs in all of this? I am absolutely categorically NOT suggesting that you should have sex with him if you don't want to. What I am trying to do is to get you to see that your DH is allowed to want to have a sex life. It's perfectly normal and natural to want to be physically intimate with your spouse and it would be terribly unfair of you to expect your DH to 'put up and shut up' when he's said he isn't happy and you don't seem to be willing to do anything to address the problem.

Have you thought about counselling with someone who is specifically trained in sex therapy?

Realistically speaking, if you cannot see yourself being able to have a sex life with your DH then you will have to divorce - and face the fact that you are no longer compatible.

Please understand it is not about the lack of lifestyle - financially I will be fine.

He can't force you to divorce him if you don't have sex with him.

If he wants a divorce then he can divorce you.

Have you spoken to him properly about this?

Well they aren't really children any more are they, they are young adults.

I would divorce him, no question. I am at a loss as to why you say it would cause "havoc and pain" that sounds very extreme when your DC are away at uni and at VI form.

Do you really think anyone outside of your marriage will care about whose "fault" it is? Most people don't give a shit really, they just get on with their own lives. Who are these "so many people" who will be affected by something that is none of their business?

As you say you are independently wealthy, and your DH works long hours, why are you saying you won't cope without him? Do you have a disability or serious illness? MH issues?

I feel like there is something missing from your posts because from what you have stated so far, it just doesn't add up.

LazyDaily - I see what you are saying and I appreciate your thoughts. I think you are right, I can not see myself having sex with him again and therefore divorce is the only option.

He has emphasised to me all the pain and upset that divorce will cause. Maybe I should ask him if he wants to stay together but in an open marriage whereby he will not expect sex from me?

You're burying your head in the ground op , and clearly have been doing so for years. All I can see is excuses for not splitting and staying as you are because YOU are comfortable.

You need to face this , it's not going away.

Your husband has every right to divorce you if he wants to.

I am puzzled. He wants to have an open marriage (which leaves you both free to seek satisfaction elsewhere - fine) but also part of that package is that you should have sex with him whether you want to or not.

I can see he has a difficulty to face here - and you are the difficulty! - but I am puzzled by his proposed solution. You could both tick along as you are, to keep the desired status quo, but seek physical satisfaction elsewhere Seems a good solution.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt over the divorce being unpleasant (assuming he meant that it would be unpleasant for everyone, not that he was threatening to make it unpleasant for you) I have to say, he has my sympathies and unless there's a massive backstory, I think you're being quite selfish for not looking at it from his point of view.

He clearly still finds you attractive and so seven years of you not wanting to have any sexual contact with him must have felt like a massive rejection. Particularly as you seem not to have communicated about it to the extent that you thought he was happy with the situation. He's so desperate to reconnect with his wife that he's willing to tolerate you seeing other men, which suggests he's aware it's just him you find sexually unappealing, rather than men in general. The whole situation sounds incredibly sad and instead of feeling sad for him, you sound much more concerned about your children blaming you and your lovely life having to change. I don't blame him for his ultimatum. I certainly couldn't live with years of my husband not wanting to sleep with me. It would break my heart.

I think his ultimatum is less about him saying 'have sex with me or else' and more about him telling you that he just can't live with it anymore. If you've lost those feelings and you don't think that they'd come back if you worked at seeing him as a partner, rather than a housemate, then you have to divorce and give him the chance to find a relationship where he feels desired and wanted.

I did ask him if he wanted sex outside of our marriage and he said he hadn't thought about it - and that his main concern was that we stay together. Of course he's thought about it; he's offering a way of making it guilt free for him to start or continue a relationship outside your marriage, by inviting you to do the same.

Thank you for all your thoughts - I think I know the answer to the ultimatum and that is divorce.

It is not a case of not wishing to upset our lifestyle but I do very much have the feelings of my children at heart. That said, as many of you have pointed out, my husband has a right to a sex life and I want him to have that although it will not be with me.

If he had said he simply wanted an open marriage I would have been happy with that - but he will only do that if I have sex with him alongside it. I can't do that and I need to tell him.

I wouldn't be okay with a long term relationship with no sex. But is this how your husband treats you more generally- issuing written ultimatums without discussing at all? Making thinly-veiled threats? He's controlling, isn't he? I would guess there may be very good reasons why you don't want to have sex with him. I would assume from his ultimatum that he's having sex with someone else and is basically telling you to start having sex or he'll be off with someone else. There's a huge backstory here, isn't there?

Do you think that you feel you don't want sex with him because of the situation you're in I.e. You've not had sex doe sinking that you now just completely turned off to it? I've had feeling s before where I've not wanted are with my husband and he's throughly pissed me off with various things over the many years we've been together, but things have turned around and after starting our sex life again (albeit our times without sex have been just a few months rather than years) that actually my feelings have turned around completely ... often the more sec you get, the more you want and vice versa - are you just stuck in a rut do you think? Could you try sex therapy perhaps?