I have been given an ultimatum - what would you do?

[toccata010]

Been married to DH for 25 years. Our marriage has deteriorated but despite no sex we are good friends and live with our 2 children happily without any arguments. We own our house, have no money worries and have given our children the best education we can afford. DH works long hours in respected and highly paid position and I am a SAHM. We operate well together and from the outside I don't think anyone would think we have any major problems.

Last week DH gave me a letter in which he said I have 2 options.

1. Divorce

1. A recommencement of our sex life (non existent for over 7 years) but he will allow me to have my own private life if I choose to - as long as we stay together.

What would you do?

I will probs get deleted

Are you that scared of moving on that you'd endure such joyless sex. Sex is revolting if you're not feeling it. It's not like data entry where you just get on with it.

Was your marriage arranged or semi arranged?

I think the easiest and best option would be to divorce. Every other option sounds too painful.

So you've pretty much been living seperare lives anyway and grown miles apart

I can imagine that He stayed in his pad in Chelsea in the week and you lived in the cotswolds with your dogs and horses whilst the kids were away a boarding school.

Ships passing in the night and all that.

Well, both of you have already stepped outside your marriage so the only change is that you are going to force yourself to shag him

Makes perfect sense

So, you're going to fuck a man you don't find attractive so as not to upset your adult children.

Right.

That makes sense.

in some parallel universe

I'd rather be in NotTheFordType's situation. At least she doesn't dress it up as something it's not.

It's actually making my skin crawl. You're going to let a man you've not had sex with in 7 years, despite living together, fuck you as part of a 'deal'. It's just grim.

I really don't see how having sex you don't want is healthy.

If you have stayed in contact with the OM that is hugely disrespectful to your marriage and it seems your husband is righy to guess you want to persue a relationship with this man whilst still having the status of perfect marriage, life etc

You need to see a sex therapist, these situations is what they are for
. Sex is about intimacy, you are not willing, for whatever ( doubtless unknown) reason to be intimate with him in this way.

A good sex therapist with let you " regrow " that feeling between you. So you could have your cake and eat it. Sex that you want to have, with the husband that you want to be married to.

This thread is one of the strangest things I've read in a long time.

Do you honestly think this bizarre arrangement is better for your children?

It's great that you both want to try and move forward with your marriage together and since you both love each other the intent should be enough

I agree with Oheysiam focus on intimacy and togetherness first. Also I think you should both see sex therapists and non sex counselling separately first. You definitely need to seek better counsel than mumsnet before jumping to a decision, especially since you have the funds and because you owe it to your marriage to do it right.

If you think a divorce would upset your adult children, wait until they accidentally find out you have an open marriage and are fucking other people.

this entire thread is plain odd.
One minute divorce is the only option, the next you are going to 'try' to force yourself to have sex with your husband despite not finding him attractive. Oh and managed to sneak in a sentence about still being in touch with the OM so now you can go off again and have either an EA or physical one guilt free as hubby agreed to it....okaaaayyyy. How this fucked up marriage is the best thing for your kids i definitely dont understand. What if you both go off shagging other people and are seen, or your kids find out? How is that at all good for them??