I have been given an ultimatum - what would you do?

[toccata010]

Been married to DH for 25 years. Our marriage has deteriorated but despite no sex we are good friends and live with our 2 children happily without any arguments. We own our house, have no money worries and have given our children the best education we can afford. DH works long hours in respected and highly paid position and I am a SAHM. We operate well together and from the outside I don't think anyone would think we have any major problems.

Last week DH gave me a letter in which he said I have 2 options.

1. Divorce

1. A recommencement of our sex life (non existent for over 7 years) but he will allow me to have my own private life if I choose to - as long as we stay together.

What would you do?

I was going to post something along the lines of timeisnotaline.

Rather than the sneaky option of getting you to agree to an open marriage so he can actually go and get his jollies elsewhere, I read this as a desperate man, who fancies you, loves you and doesn't wan't to lose you, so is frantically coming up with options to "keep" you, whilst also actually having sex.
I couldn't and wouldn't, be able to to keep up a relationship that had been sexless for that long, even if I loved them with every fibre of my beinf.

I suspect he has been unhappy for quite some time, and despite the cynical thinking of some PP's, I actually think he has not said or done anything coercive up till now because he loves and respects op and wanted to give her time. (raging feminist btw, not an excuser of men at all!)

No one should be coerced into sex if they don't want it, and no one, ever, should have sex with someonejust to keep a relationship together.
But equally it is totally out of order to expect anyone, male or female, to live life without sex happily, if they are aching for it.

But then I see that you have had an affair...so you know the answer.
Stop stringing the poor bloke along just to keep your "happy" (yeah right!) home together for your adult, and non resident "kids".
They are grown ups and will understand.

If you really did have a boyfriend then you are the worst kind of money grabbing, lifestyle preserving hypocrite and I hope your husband ditches you.

OP that's pretty poor form to drip feed like that.

You jolly well knew that your emotional affair is relevant to this. One can only assume that you omitted to mention it because you anticipated that people would be rather forthright in telling you that your DH should divorce you.

Your children are adults. They'll have their own lives and families soon. Will you still be happy for things to remain as they are then? They're old enough to understand you've grown apart and are divorcing.

Ah....running away, can't deal witn straight talking.

Your DP was wrong to have an affair, but so were you, and tit for tat doth not a healty relationship make.

You should have ditched him then if it was such an issue, and now you've made yourself a massive hypocrite, and have lost the right to criticize.

This is massuvely unhealthy, and not fair on either of you.

Divorce ffs.

OP, I'm sorry the thread wasn't more helpful and I hope everything works out for you and your DH. It sounds like you both might be grown up enough to have a civilized divorce. It can be done. Maybe a councilor could help you both achieve it.

Good luck.

If you had an emotional affair last year, then clearly you were not as happy with the way your marriage was as you claimed to be. You really need to be honest with yourself first, and then your husband.

It's a shame he's bought it up as an ultimatum without exploring things with you first. It's also his responsibility to want you to want sex with him, and to want to do what he can. Like be affectionate, kind, flirtatious. It doesn't just spring out of nowhere.

If you never ever want sex again OP, then you don't really have a choice, he's made that for you.

If you might, maybe, perhaps, then what about sex therapy?

Please don't go down the open relationship route, emotionally damaging.

Your affair last year is hugely relevant here OP, even if it was only emotional. You discussing it with your husband means that the offer he made you makes total sense, it made no sense at all without this information.

OP it sounds like the only reason for staying in this marriage is possible your social circle, your standing in the community and the opinion of family and friends.

If you really want to save the marriage and possibly resume sex at some point then arrange counselling.

Otherwise I would suggest a 'trial' separation - one or both of you find somewhere else to live and possibly a no fault divorce further down the line.

FWIW a relative is making an absolute fool of her family by having an open affair. She won't leave her husband as she was a SAHM will no means and he won't divorce her or kick her out because he loves her and because of his 'Christian principles'. It's like watching a car crash.

If it's over, let it go with dignity.

So until reading about your 'emotional attachment' to someone else, I'd ask if you wanted to have sex with anyone else. Did you want to sleep with the man you had an emotional attachment too? (even if you didn't).

Have you lost interest in sex with him, or just sex in total and therefore assume he should feel the same?

I can see why he wouldn't want you to just say "go have sex outside marriage" - because he may well not want to have just sex without a relationship/romance with that person, and if he's looking for that, he's not prepared to do that as an affair, but as a 'real' relationship.

Basically, he's not happy in a sexless relationship. So if it's not with you, he wants to be free to start something with someone else.

It could be that he has an idea who the 'someone else' could be, but would presume nothing has happened yet, or else he'd be more open to the idea of an open relationship.

He wants a real marriage, you want flatmates who are coparenting DCs. Both parties have to be up for that, he's not.

Lifes too short to care about what others think. They will get over it. Leave him and you can each find someone you both love and want to be intimate with.

You're just not compatible and it would be best if you set each other free.

Wow what an utterly fucked up relationship
Your poor children.

Talk about withholding vital information. Your affair had a massive impact here. You should divorce

Um, she did say it wasn't a physical affair. She also said her husband had an affair some years previously. So it's a bit more complicated than some are acknowledging. Worriedrose's "utterly fucked up" is probably a fair summary tbh...

OP I have no doubt that you're a good mother too.

My post was aimed at the usual pp the tired rhetoric of man = lying cheating & nasty. It's not helpful here, and they have better things to do since those cat(s) won't feed themselves.

I'm taking you at face value and agree your emotional affair isn't relevant to this thread. PP like to give someone a good kicking whether it's a man or the OP and if they're both it's bloody Xmas.

There was a similar post a few weeks back and the below link was added I can't find the thread but the link was in my internet history. It's really long but it explains your dh side of the story really well.

www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/3661509

I'm personally not against the idea of 'sticking it out for the kids' it's not popular these days since everyone thinks they deserve a stepford wife or a brad Pitt, Nobel laureate minion.

You've got your kids through school and focused on being great parents now you should focus on enjoying the rest of your lives.

I don't think it makes any difference whether the affair was physical or not.

I'm not saying the husband's affair was excusable, but it happened 3 years into a 25 year marriage, so they presumably managed to move forwards from it. OP's affair was last year and presumably it was the straw that broke the camel's back for her H, after 7 years with no intimacy.

OP - I have read your posts, and note that you don't seem to see marital counselling as a viable option. It is completely possible that you could 'mend' your marriage through open and honest communication, and reconnecting with your dh. It may be that counseling would ultimately be unsuccessful, but you have to want to try. I don't see that desire in any of your posts.

While it seems a shame to 'give up' on a marriage, if you are not interested in trying to 'save' it, maybe it is time to move on.

Fwiw, you seem disconnected from your emotions. In your shoes, I'd begin by figuring out why through some individual counseling.

It really doesn't sound like you are interested in saving your marriage - just preserving the status quo. It clearly hasn't been happy for your DH - and I think option 2 is a desperate attempt to remain married even if you would rather sex with other people.
But the thing is - if you truly love someone then you can't just 'stay good friends' as that is pure torture.

NRFT but having read the first page my instant response is why are you posting such a profoundly personal dilemma. Sex lifes are on a continuum and no two people have the same drive, boundaries, preferences. For some people a lot is down to compromise and negotiation.

If your dh is definatley clear in the options he has placed before you, only you can choose. Only you know what the personal, financial and familial cost each option presents.

FWIIW I would choose divorce as the other options would mean living a lie and you would loose the essence of who you are and your soul would surely die. Your family and extended family would adapt and I'm sure if they were aware of the choices you've been given, they would say divorce too.

Affairs and what not aside, I think he's being really horrible. He's telling her that he will make divorcing painful, horrible, dreadful, but she can avoid that if she lets him fuck her.

IF all he wanted was to end the celibacy he could have just said I need intimacy and would like it to be with you, but if you don't want that we need to get divorced so I can find that with someone else. We can do it amicably. Then fine, but he hasn't. He's said he wants sex with her, she can have affairs then, but he wants to stay married and be allowed to fuck her in return for 'letting' her have affairs.

He's one sick bastard I think.

Oh FFS !Ridiculous drip feeding OP.

I would consider what you want? Do you actually want to stay together-it's not fair to stay together and expect him to be celibate. Do you want to resume sex? If you do it unwillingly then you'll probably want to leave anyway.

You said you had a happy marriage, but you had a recent emotional affair, so your marriage has not been happy. You both have had no sex for 7 years. There seems to be a clear lack of communication. Your Dh has written you a letter saying he is unhappy too and I noted that he didn't say that he loved you. Was there any discussions in the previous 7 years about being unhappy?. You have alot to think about regarding your future. You both deserve a happy life whether it is together or apart

SAHM to grown up children doesn't want to divorce because the kids will suffer

Ok then