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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've messed up so badly

178 replies

JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 19:40

Hey all. I appreciate this is going to get me words that I truly deserve to hear insofar as I've messed up baldly.

I have possibly made the woman I have been seeing pregnant.

She is adamant it's her husbands but they have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 4 years and the dates of conception match perfectly with when we were meeting and having sex 3-4 x a week, often multiple times per meeting. She told me he is an alcoholic and profuse smoker who takes no interest in her.

She has told him it's his baby and cut me out of the picture, she still messages me and calls from time to time. He is over the moon.

I need the truth and so have requested we do a paternal non invasive DNA match which she reluctantly has agreed to. However she said either way she would expect me to be silent.

I'm not sure my head can handle this as I may have a child being brought up by another man who doesn't know that the little one isnt his. What sort of a person would be able to do that.

She is scared I will do something to jepordise her relationship (more than we already have) but I'm not like that, in my eyes we made a mistake and we have to be truthful.

I'm no benchmark for moral compass but I want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/08/2017 19:41

Why on earth does she want to stay with him?

AlternativeTentacle · 27/08/2017 19:44

Why on earth does she want to stay with him?

She could have been lying, just to get a sperm donor.

AlternativeTentacle · 27/08/2017 19:46

OP - did you not put a rubber on it? If you don't want to make women pregnant, probably best to wear protection. Didn't anyone tell you this?

If you do want to make women pregnant, perhaps best not to fuck married women, as they don't tend to just waltz off into the sunset with you.

Offred · 27/08/2017 19:54

Maybe the kind of person who is married, struggling to conceive with someone she describes as how she did but still has sex with someone else 3-4 x per week...

Find out if you are the dad, be a father if you are.

Learn from the experience.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 19:56

She said she is scared off loosing her friends, family, home etc.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 27/08/2017 20:01

I'm not surprised she feels bad about the situation - she has acted teribly and now fears the consequences.

I think it's only fair that you do the DNA test so that you can be the father if the child turns out yours. She can't just decide to pin it on someone else instead...

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:02

I would do this in the blink of an eye. I appreciate she may not want to be with me but that doesn't mean I can't be a fantastic father.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 27/08/2017 20:05

Sorry...have to ask...why were you fucking a married woman without using condoms?

splendidisolation · 27/08/2017 20:06

I feel for you OP.

Its your right to know if this child is yours.

I wonder where you stand legally on being able to have a DNA test?

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:08

Because

  1. maybe I'm really stupid
  2. She told me she couldn't conceive
  3. She told me she had fallen in love with me and wanted children with me

Please don't think for a moment that I find this acceptable reasons for my behaviour but two wrongs don't make a right so it's time act correctly.

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 27/08/2017 20:10

Then..... if you want to help I'd fuck off and let them sort it out. Stop trying to cause trouble.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:11

I appreciate your opinion

OP posts:
Offred · 27/08/2017 20:12

I think you'll be ok TBH. This is a crap situation and it must feel awful but focussing on your responsibilities to the child is both the right thing to do and seems like your natural instinct anyway.

You must learn from the not using condoms though! It is never wise to use trust as a contraceptive!

crazyhead · 27/08/2017 20:15

What a muddle. Just see where the DNA test goes and see from there - if this child is yours then yes, you absolutely need to do the right thing, though your role in the situation may be very complex. however, the right of the child is paramount.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:16

Thank you.

That's whats in my head to do. If the child is mine I have to plead with her to allow me to have the opportunity to do the right thing.

I'm no deadbeat. Just a person who made a poor judgement but willing to stick by the baby as a full responsibility.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 27/08/2017 20:19

If you weren't using condoms I'd get an STD test too. Her (or her husband) could be shagging other people and all sorts could be passed between the lot of you.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:22

Done and fine.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/08/2017 20:22

I would recommend that rather than pleading with her you be assertive about your responsibility. She has told you she is pregnant and agreed to a DNA. For now you need to get through the DNA then you need to assert paternity if the baby is yours.

Do not allow her to be the gatekeeper too much.

Offred · 27/08/2017 20:24

Don't get bogged down in her issues either - her marriage and what happens to it are not your responsibility. It's just the child, if you are the father.

If you turn out not to be do not have anything further to do with her for the sake of your own sanity.

Gaggleofgirls · 27/08/2017 20:25

I think leave them to it.
Sorry but sounds like you were a sperm donor, intentionally.
She couldn't conceive with her husband so found an anonymous donor so she could then get the family she'd wanted.

Offred · 27/08/2017 20:28

(And if the baby is yours you will need to prepare for the possibility that you may end up a single father. No telling what might happen when it all comes out)

TeachesOfPeaches · 27/08/2017 20:29

You can't do much until you know if you're the father or not. If so then you will have to take her to court for contact.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:29

She said she worked out the dates and said that the baby had to be her husbands but when I spoke to her again (knowing she was trying to say anything to cut me off) she said that she just said that because she wa scared of what I'll do. She said she has visions of me turning up and taking the baby from her. This destroys me as she obviously had such a low opinion of me OR she's really scared which I think is a strong possibility.

OP posts:
crazyhead · 27/08/2017 20:29

I think that your big challenge will be to detach your feelings about the situation (I assume you've got a desire for this woman and her DH to split up and you to be a couple) from the test outcome. I honestly think that the more decent and calm you are now the more likely this is not be be unbearable in the long run. I'd prob get counselling to support this period if possible

user1499786242 · 27/08/2017 20:32

She told you she couldn't conceive AND that she wanted your children?????
Ummmm ok