I've messed up so badly

[JustNormal1]

Hey all. I appreciate this is going to get me words that I truly deserve to hear insofar as I've messed up baldly.

I have possibly made the woman I have been seeing pregnant.

She is adamant it's her husbands but they have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 4 years and the dates of conception match perfectly with when we were meeting and having sex 3-4 x a week, often multiple times per meeting. She told me he is an alcoholic and profuse smoker who takes no interest in her.

She has told him it's his baby and cut me out of the picture, she still messages me and calls from time to time. He is over the moon.

I need the truth and so have requested we do a paternal non invasive DNA match which she reluctantly has agreed to. However she said either way she would expect me to be silent.

I'm not sure my head can handle this as I may have a child being brought up by another man who doesn't know that the little one isnt his. What sort of a person would be able to do that.

She is scared I will do something to jepordise her relationship (more than we already have) but I'm not like that, in my eyes we made a mistake and we have to be truthful.

I'm no benchmark for moral compass but I want to do the right thing.

Sounds to me as if I’m the long run you would be a far more supportive father than her husband even if she can’t see it now.
She’s silly to have let you go to build a life with her husband that she clearly doesn’t love

Usually I tend to be on the side of not rocking the boat, but this is making me angry. She has deceived her husband over and over again and is now deceiving him in the worst way possible. It's going to be a lifelong lie, and the child won't know who they are biologically. It's not for her to decide that. Tell the husband. Show him the DNA proof. Just do it. She should not get to make these decisions.

And while you're at it, tell him how she told you that she wanted children with you in order to basically steal your sperm. What a piece of work. Don't get me wrong, you did a horrible thing, but you at least appear to be owning that.

It's going to be a lifelong lie, and the child won't know who they are biologically. It's not for her to decide that

This! So many people saying she’s made her choice, respect her decision. It’s not her decision to make! She is deceiving her husband by telling him the child is his, that is a monumentally enormous lie. That bairn deserves to know who they are, the husband deserves to choose if he stays in an unfaithful marriage.

For god’s sake. She is being utterly selfish.

He DH deserves the truth
The child deserves the truth
You should not be cut out of your own child’s life forever because it suits her.

No one should be caught up in living her lie.

This is your child OP, good luck.

For god’s sake. She is being utterly selfish.

Her DH deserves the truth
The child deserves the truth
You should not be cut out of your own child’s life forever because it suits her.

No one should be caught up in living her lie.

This is your child OP, good luck.

Ultimately this child has a right to know who his/her biological parents are.

I agree it’s not her decision to make. You are the father of this child. She should’ve thought hard on the consequences of her actions. I think you’ve been taken in like a trouser too wide here.

Yes you made a dumb mistake, lots of people do. But it sounds to me like you want to make a go of being a father and unlike many men in this world you will face up to the responsibility of raising a child.

Her personal life is not your problem. Go to the solicitor and proceed through the legal channels for access. I guess she moved as fast as she could to get his name on the birth certificate so you need to find out what you can do there too.

Good luck with this, I hope you get to see your LO soon.

@serialcheat I see your point about THEIR relationship but you cannot honestly think it’s okay for a man to bring up a child that’s not his own and he doesn’t know! That’s outrageous

I think it’s might be a bit late for the op to take a moral stand on the truth.

Apparently he wasn’t so keen on her husbands right to know the truth when he was shagging her.

However I agree that the child has rights. Shame that the OP isn’t willing to say anything about how he plans to be a father to this child. It’s all about him and his rights and I’m surprised that so many posters are going along with this.

This thread should be compulsory reading for all women thinking of having an affair. Other women will judge you for being a selfish sperm stealing harlot while feeling sorry for your poor deceived affair partner who is totally the victim.

I'd imagine there are plenty of men bringing up children believing they are genuinely theirs and plenty of women keeping it quiet.

I'm not sure it's fair to judge other people at all. How do we know how desperate for a child this mother might have been?

What is your ideal outcome op?

I can’t believe some of these comments. I’m not saying you’re completely innocent or anything but it takes 2 to tango and SHE is the married one. You’ve been played, what she’s done to you is cruel. She’s manipulated you. Do not let her call the shots, that child is yours as well! People telling you to leave them alone are ridiculous. Some women don’t believe men are capable of feelings! As long as you’re there for your child then that’s all that matters. She chose to put her marriage at risk and she knew what she was doing. You sound like you feel sorry for her? She’s manipulated you! You owe her nothing!

Aside from him being an verbally abusive alcoholic gambler egotist

Do you really believe this?
Probably another lie of hers.

She could text you tomorrow and say, " it is YOURS, but I'm having a termination " and there's fuck all you could do about it !!!!!!

You late for that now.

I think deceiving a man the child is his is one of the most selfish and wicked things a woman can do to a man.

I would tell her you won't remain silent and you plan to take her to court when the baby is born, as is yor right as the father.

Then don't say anything else until the baby is born.

If she has any sense...she'll come clean to her husband.

Don't engage with her beyond that and find yourself a lawyer.

Shame that the OP isn’t willing to say anything about how he plans to be a father to this child. It’s all about him and his rights

This is a bit unfair...
What exactly can he say at this point?

He's trying to figure out contact first.. and how many mums to be could really say exactly what they'll do to be a mother, besides feeding and caring for their child.

And yes... as a married woman you will absolutely be judged for getting pregnant outside of the marriage... that's not going to change whatever decade or millennium we're in because it's wrong.

Why would we think she's lovely just because we're women like her.

Let's look at the facts:

1.) She dooesn't want you in her life or the babies life, one jot.

2.) she obviously is ' suffering ' minimal contact with you because she is shit scared you'll grass her up.

3.) She has chosen her husband over you.

Good luck in trying to obtain any parental rights because you won't get jack shit. Many, many legitimate and loving father's who are separated or divorced can't get access to their children, for love or money, when the relationship breaks down and turns nasty.

And we can hardly put you in the ' legitimate and loving father category ' can we !?

I agree with Animation that letting a man unknowingly bring up another's mans child is a shitty thing to do, and that his wife should come clean, but it's certainly not your job to tell him.

Being a father isn't just about biology, it's about ' being there ', making sacrifices for the child, putting the hours in at work to give your family the best start in life and conversely, spending quality time with the baby, providing a safe, warm secure environment.

Maybe she feels her husband can and will provide that !? After the way you ( And her have shit on HIM ), don't you think in his ignorant bliss, he deserves that chance !?

Say, you tell him, do you seriously think she will come running to you !?

She can see from your pressing actions, you have neither her welfare or the babies welfare in mind, certainly in her mind, anyway....

Op, sorry, but you do come across as an immature meme meme meme meme.....

Put some time, space and distance between you and her and see what develops.

Good luck next week with the solicitor.
Hopefully they will have some good advice for you.

Op, sorry, but you do come across as an immature meme meme meme meme

But the woman playing god with 3 people’s lives and making all the decisions based on what she wants is being mature and sensible? ODFOD. The misandry on this thread is appalling. The fact that the woman is being so deceptive and selfish is utterly appalling. She has no right to play with a child’s life this way.

Good old mumsnet double standards abound I see.

OP you are way nicer than me. I'd just tell the guy and take her ass to court. Women like her need teaching how to behave.

She gave up any rights to not be "grassed on" when she decided to play God with her child's life. The fact you and her shagged and whether she was married means nothing now.

Good evening all. Sorry for the late replies, work is frantic.

There are many comments about how it’s all about me but I swear it’s nothing about me. It’s about how I can best manage the mess I have made of some poor guys life as well as giving a child the best chance he or she has to know their biological parents.

I understand there’s not going to be a magic answer which will resolve this which is why I’m taking everyone’s opinion on board regardless of if it makes me look like the terrible person, because I am. The reason I speak about me a lot is maybe because that’s my only frame of reference. I really don’t mind you assassinating my character guys. Say what you wish to me or about me. Personally, I don’t judge anybody in this world because not one of us is perfect.

I would make a great father, I have love and intelligence in which to nurture and guide a little person. I am lucky enough to be financially stable not living pay check to pay check which can be used to provide a safe environment. But again you don’t want to hear that, you’d rather just assassinate my character and reasoning for speaking to people whom i respect.

You can judge me if it makes you feel better. Go ahead. I’ll just continue to do whatever I can for this child when he/she is born.

I’m actually judging all the posters saying leave them to it and walk away, it’s got nothing to do with you.

It’s your child. That man deserves to know it is not his baby. Sooner rather than later. So he has time to accept and come to terms with the fact that it’s not his baby.

The baby also deserves to know who his parents are.

You weren’t the cheat in this relationship. Yes getting involved with a married woman isn’t a very good idea at all, but you didn’t break your vows and betray your partner. She did. And he deserves to know that she is not carrying his baby.

That woman has manipulated you both and for the sake of the baby, before it’s even born it’s better that the truth comes out.

Also...how can it not be you you you? This woman has fucked you over and used you like a sperm bank, you can’t exactly ask for advice on how to help her be a better person, or how to tell the husband she’s a cheat, none of that is your business. What IS your business is making sure you are allowed access to YOUR baby. YOU are on the birth certificate. YOU are the babies father.

Even if the husband decides to stay with the wife and be a step father, that’s his choice. But it’s fair for everyone involved that the true paternity is known and the baby is able to see his father.

Good luck with the solicitor.

Thank you.

I agree with everything you have said here apart from one little word.

I think we have all been manipulated for the sake of a child (not the child). This is my empathy thinking she did what she had to do to have a child.

How many people would give all they could to have a child when they’ve been trying for many many years month by month to no avail. How desperate would this make you? What would you do to be a mother? How consumed would you be?

As a father you would have rights

Congratulations on the results of your DNA test Sir.... you're going to be a Daddy....

get yourself into Court and fight for legal access to Your Child

How many people would give all they could to have a child when they’ve been trying for many many years month by month to no avail. How desperate would this make you? What would you do to be a mother? How consumed would you be?
Been there. I sure didn’t sleep with just anyone just to have a child. I wanted to have a child with the person I loved.

You can’t empathise with a selfish POS to be honest. She hasn’t thought about the child, you, her husband. It’s about her. What she wants. Screw the fact her child will grow up living a lie, because it’s what she wanted that mattered the most.

You’re right, what they do about about their own relationship is up to them. But you’ve given her ample opportunity to fess up before you come on the scene. This is enough.

Honestly I hope once you’ve met with the solicitor you have a more blazing attitude.

You cannot let your child call another man dad, and let him think this is biologically true.

Yep this guy is gonna be so damaged when he finds out. But at least let it be before he invests any more love and time in this pregnancy, arranging nurseries, picking names, ending up on a birth certificate and his family believing they have a grandchild/niece/nephew etc on the way.