I've messed up so badly

[JustNormal1]

Hey all. I appreciate this is going to get me words that I truly deserve to hear insofar as I've messed up baldly.

I have possibly made the woman I have been seeing pregnant.

She is adamant it's her husbands but they have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 4 years and the dates of conception match perfectly with when we were meeting and having sex 3-4 x a week, often multiple times per meeting. She told me he is an alcoholic and profuse smoker who takes no interest in her.

She has told him it's his baby and cut me out of the picture, she still messages me and calls from time to time. He is over the moon.

I need the truth and so have requested we do a paternal non invasive DNA match which she reluctantly has agreed to. However she said either way she would expect me to be silent.

I'm not sure my head can handle this as I may have a child being brought up by another man who doesn't know that the little one isnt his. What sort of a person would be able to do that.

She is scared I will do something to jepordise her relationship (more than we already have) but I'm not like that, in my eyes we made a mistake and we have to be truthful.

I'm no benchmark for moral compass but I want to do the right thing.

Opposite = opposition

Yes, she cheated, technically, he didn't, so I suppose that makes the Op a beacon of virtue !?

If this was the OW she would have been called all sorts on this thread. It's mumsnet, women who have affairs with married men are by default evil. They ruin lives. But somehow the OP is seen as being better than the other marriage wreckers who are slated on here week after week.

I certainly don’t think of him any better than a woman.
To assume that the couple will unite is exactly that though, an assumption. There’s a high chance he will leave his wife, just WHY would you want to bring up a child if your wives affair? That’s a huge deal breaker for anyone if you ask me. A life sentence

Found out my Dad wasnt my Dad when I was 17. No dna tests back then and my mother had warned off my bio dad after a love affair and raised me as her husbands.

I grew up knowing there was something 'off'. I believe a child has a right to know who they are from. After finding my bio Dad and discovering that he had wanted to know me but had been legally warned away (early 1970's) I felt wanted by him. That meant alot. But the lies my Mum had created caused a big rift between us.

The Dad who raised me always knew I wasnt his biological child but I suspect that when your child is born and develops finer features it may become clearer physically that there is a question over parentage. Even though I have similar colouring to my step Dad it was the differences in my resemblance to him and his family that first made me question what the feckery was going on.

I would of liked and also think it would of been beneficial for me to have known my full bio family as a child, would it of made an easier childhood? I dont know.I

I hope my experience from the childs side gives you some food for thought in doing the right thing by baby.

Serialcheat :shut up .you're absoluteluly vile
Completely agree
Some people just shouldn't be posting opinions

Hasn’t she ripped her own life apart by shagging someone else behind her husband back.....without protection!
I don’t understand what she gains from even telling you she is pregnant if she is adamant it is her husbands baby and she wants to raise the baby with him?
Why not just cut it off with you, without telling you the real reason and get on with her life?
Your both in the wrong but sounds like she likes a bit of drama!
I don’t have any advice though I’m afraid....shitty situation to be in.

She told you she couldn't conceive AND that she wanted your children?????
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This!

Hey there @BettyBaggins

Thank you some much for sharing your insights first hand. I really do appreciate you explaining how you feel/felt.

Baby is my only concern. Period.

I don’t want to hurt anyone and I can hear all you guys telling me to back off because she has made her choice but I would never want my child finding out who I was and that I did nothing for him/her.

@pontiois

Yeah. She said she had been trying for many years but was unable to conceive.

During the course of our relationship she said many things to solidify our relationship such as ‘I love you’ ‘I want to leave him’ ‘I want children win you’ etc etc. I guess some call it pillow talk but when it happens and she disappears it’s a real difficult pill to swallow.

Serial cheat. You have very fucked up opinions as far as this is concerned. I’m actually cringing reading your posts. Awful.

Op, the woman is an asshole. Your child deserves to know you.

Stay Strong Sir.... get yourself a darn good Lawyer...

Got yourself into a right pickle here Just! Would ekko that she probably used you with the hope to conceive and maybe thinking that most men would run for hills when there is a baby looming in the horizon, you not being one of those men will make life interesting for her. Regardless of her situation, if the baby is yours and you wish to take on your rightful role as its father then stick to your guns. If she wanted to do this properly she should have gone for a proper donor or adoption.

I’m just struggling with it all to be honest.

I think there’s nothing thing I can do for the next phase of the pregnancy until baby is born so I’m not going to contact her. It’ll probably freak her out a little as she when she asks for some space and I do that she gets back to me with nasty comments about me being quiet and plotting something to orchestrate her downfall so I then enter dialogue with her which always ends up in a fight and is horrid.

If she contacts me that’s nothing to do with the baby directly I’ll ignore it and when baby comes make applications to the court for repeat DNA testing and Paerntal responsibly.

Does this sound like fair and reasonable?

Do not, under any circumstances engage in arguments over text/email/social media, she’ll be able to use them against you.

The same goes for you though, if she is nasty or threatening over the same media you can use it.

And yes, that sounds reasonable. Especially the parental responsibility, because most people think of it as parental rights and forget the responsibilities part.

It's not just immoral to let the child grow up thinking the wrong man is its biological dad, it's irresponsible. What if that child (God forbid) needs an organ transplant, or there is a health condition running in the real biological fathers family. The doctors ask about family medical history for a reason and this child would be unknowingly giving the wrong information. Also do you live in a small town? The kid could end up in a relationship with a cousin unknowingly.

Even if you never get to have a relationship with the child, as some people have said. The child needs to know who their biological father is and your name should be on the birth certificate.

@NotReallyArsed

Yes I have kept all of the transcripts ever sent and regularly archiving so I don’t loose them. Luckily I don’t use social media so I’m blissfully ignorant of anything said or done on that platform.

I now need to step aside, wipe all emotions from the past relationship and subsequent fall out. When baby is born do things legally with a clear but hard head.

Be at peace with my decision and pick it up when baby is here.

Good luck @JustNormal1

@Afternoomcatnap

No argument here. Any number of genetic anomalies may arise needing bio markers.

We don’t live near each other 2 different cities but that’s not the point hey.

@PinkPancakes

Thank you.

And thank you to everyone who’s been supportive and challenged me during the course of this discussion. I really appreciate balanced arguments and views.

It doesnt matter who has done what. At the end of the day there is a child who deserves to know who their father is, regardless of the actions of the mother or the father, or the husband of the woman. The child is the one that's important and they deserve for you to do everything you can to be involved in their life. There's no reason at all why you should step back and let this woman dictate to you that you can't have a relationship with your baby.

Morality issue aside wrt to sleeping with a married woman and for which no one cares anymore, it's admirable that someone is trying to step up for that kid especially knowing that a storm is coming his way
Congrats OP! It doesn't matter if she lied or used your sperm or whatever... maybe she didn't lie! All it matters is the baby

Good luck and google for a really good solicitor not just anyone

I’d be getting my ducks in order and challenging legally when the Baby arrives

Please stop being so nice.

I don’t think there’s anything to admire here