I've messed up so badly

[JustNormal1]

Hey all. I appreciate this is going to get me words that I truly deserve to hear insofar as I've messed up baldly.

I have possibly made the woman I have been seeing pregnant.

She is adamant it's her husbands but they have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 4 years and the dates of conception match perfectly with when we were meeting and having sex 3-4 x a week, often multiple times per meeting. She told me he is an alcoholic and profuse smoker who takes no interest in her.

She has told him it's his baby and cut me out of the picture, she still messages me and calls from time to time. He is over the moon.

I need the truth and so have requested we do a paternal non invasive DNA match which she reluctantly has agreed to. However she said either way she would expect me to be silent.

I'm not sure my head can handle this as I may have a child being brought up by another man who doesn't know that the little one isnt his. What sort of a person would be able to do that.

She is scared I will do something to jepordise her relationship (more than we already have) but I'm not like that, in my eyes we made a mistake and we have to be truthful.

I'm no benchmark for moral compass but I want to do the right thing.

If your primary concern is the best interests of the child, it's very hard to know what to do.

What is best for the child?

Taking its mother to court and probably bringing about her marriage breakdown, not to mention acrimony towards you?

Or letting other people raise your child, and possibly giving up hope of developing a relationship with him/her yourself?

It's not easy, but the second option is an option. Would she accept maintenance payments so you can contribute financially? Or alternatively, you can put all the money that would have gone to raising him/her into savings to be passed over when he/she comes of age.

None of this is going to end well.
I agree with PP's she used you purely as a sperm doner. I know of a woman who did similar, what she didn't envisage is that her Dh would catch her out in her affair trying to conceive a sibling for her first child!
Op I would bide my time, the truth will come out.
I wouldn't go to court initially, but send her a solicitors letter telling her you will do unless she allows you some sort of informal access. (I'm sure if she could conduct a clandestine affair without her DH's knowledge she could manage this)
I think you should play the long game here, and wait to send the solicitors letter until after the baby is born.

Of course the OP has the responsibility not to shag a married woman. He’s 100% responsible for his actions , just as she is 100% for hers.

It’s not one or the other, they both knew it was dishonest.

It’s not like he didn’t know she was married. It’s not like he didn’t know how or why to use a condom.

The victims here are the husband and the child, not the OP.

He has made very poor and selfish decisions and he needs to be a better, wiser and less selfish man in the future. Which is why I asked him what kind of father he’s going to be and what’s best for the child.

I feel very sorry for the husband here. But that’s not the OPs problem, that’s for the wife to address.

The OPs legal and moral duty is to the baby.

How long did this affair go on for : 5 months

how long after being pregnant did she dump you: immediately

Did she contact you to tell you about the pregnancy: she told me, she thought I’d be happy she was pregnant and she and her husband could have a family.

There’s no single answer to this. I don’t want to destroy her life by outing her but I feel if I don’t fight for my child I’ll loose him or her forever.

She’s told me I can only contact her mon-fri
Lunchtimes and she will recall/message me when she is ready.

Please forgive me of it sounds like it’s all me me me but this is the reason I’m speaking to people on here, for an eclectic spread of independent opinion.

Gosh, this is complicated.

I think other people have suggested this but it sounds like she just used you as a sperm donor, especially if she ended things right after finding out she was pregnant.

Yes, you have biological and legal rights, but without some getting legal help (which would mean going public) I doubt if you will ever get to be a part of your biological child's life. And even if you do, I wouldn't expect her to make it easy or friendly, especially as she has made it clear she wishes to raise the baby as a family unit with her husband.
As for him... well, poor guy. Totally fucked over by his wife and by you.

I agree. Aside from him being an verbally abusive alcoholic gambler egotist (her words not mine), the guy does not deserve me ‘totally fucked over’ by either one of us.

I guess what I’m asking is

is anyone willing to speak to me having done this/been in similar situations, if so PM me, help me understand how I can develop empathy for her to try and see it from her perspective?

You don’t need empathy for this woman!! She’s out to get what SHE wants.

Honestly would you like bringing up a baby not knowing that actually he/she isn’t biologically yours? That your family will believe there’s a new addition but in fact they aren’t related at all!

I mean the affair has be catastrophic but I think it’s about time you stood up and saved this guy and his family from that!!!

Fuck her and her specific requests of contact. What a specimen

By the way , SHE destroyed her own life already, you aren’t the one to take sole blame of that.

It just really bugs me that there’s a guy out there paying for your child, prepping for your child thinking it’s his first and no one wants to tell him the facts.

Brutal

You don’t need empathy for this woman!! She’s out to get what SHE wants
this. You are this childs father, you clearly want to be a father and have contact - this is not down to just her wants and needs. If she wanted that she shouldnt have had an affair and essentially used yo as a donor.

This baby deserves to know its father if its what you want, theres too many kids out there who dont know or who arent wanted. You have rights and sorry but personally i think you should stop dancing to her tune, ignore her demands and take her to court for access. You have the DNA tests so theres nothing she can do to prevent you doing that.

Aside from that put yourself in the other guys shoes- how would you feel in years after raising that baby to find out it isnt biologically yours?? You might be thinking your 'saving a marriage' now by not saying anything but this could blow wide open at any time and it will be worse the longer this goes on.

You sound like a nice guy, yes you were wrong having an affair and you readily admit that, but this situation has now happened and you want to do the right thing, which unfortunately seems to then mean you are being walked all over and this isnt a trivial matter.

Why the hell did she send off an actual dna sample from her baby? I wouldn’t of if I were her and determined to keep you away, I would have sent a different sample off

Have you seen her or the baby?

I don’t see your point?

I think I have the general feeling that people have regarding my actions and believe me I don’t need you to reiterate my abhorrent behaviour.

Have you heard the phrase “we are our own worst critics” well that isn’t lost on me which is why I’m trying to understand all feelings from all parties so I can formulate a strategy for the future where baby gets the best shot at knowing his or her biological parents as well as protecting mum from harm.

As previously noted. My feelings are not important, only what I can do for baby when baby is born.

I think I have the general feeling that people have regarding my actions and believe me I don’t need you to reiterate my abhorrent behaviour

Lying to a man about a child being his, cheating on your husband and lying to a child about who they really are is abhorrent.

Basically you could approach the court and ask for some kind of mediation, building to contact with the child with a view to being a constant, stable, committed influence for their lifetime.

You need to get some legal advice. As far as I am aware, in order to have parental responsibility you'll need your name on baby's birth certificate. Perhaps somebody else on MN is able to clarify this for you... GL.

Following the discussions yesterday I’ve made an appointment to see a family solicitor next week.

Can a DNA test be done before the baby has been born?

Yeah. Not something that’s done routinely.

dnacentre.co.uk/dna-paternity-test/prenatal-paternity-test/

Cost me £999 but is UK court approved.

Back off. You are coming over as a neurotic victim. You ( And her ), have had your sordid fun. You didn't think much about her husband, ( Or how an innocent child might result ad have it's life turned upside down ), while you were buried up to your nutsack !?

How do you know her husband is an abusive alcoholic !? Have you lived with him ? It's very possibly bullshit from her. He could be God's gift to women, a great guy and a potential brilliant father. She's chosen him over you, what does that say about you !?

He might be a hundred times the better prospect than you.

Maybe she's wants a father for her child whose morals aren't as ropey and flakey as yours ( And hers ).

She's made her choice, your'e OUT, so stop with the coercive and divisive DNA rubbish, it's just pure selfishness on your part !!!!!

You want children and and a family !? Find a nice unmarried girl make a commitment and stop being an opportunist married woman shagger.

She could text you tomorrow and say, " it is YOURS, but I'm having a termination " and there's fuck all you could do about it !!!!!!

You have NO rights, you were just a sperm donor.

No for some constructive advice:

Give up on the DNA shit

Give THEM the chance to work it out.

Keep communication to a minimum.

Observe from a distance.

And what will be will be.

This is complex, and I'm no expert.

I believe (it might have changed) that if a married woman is pregnant, then legally her husband is automatically considered the father. Perhaps that is antiquated and no longer the case?

Obviously, in reality a child should always have the right to know their actual biological father though. Safeguarding exceptions excepted. The child has rights, not you - but the child's rights to know their father is generally respected in law. Of course, in your case, this is not straightforward - since it is perfectly obvious this woman has used you as a sperm donor.

It's incredibly messy - I would take the advice of at least one solicitor on this.

No = Now

Shoes is right. The child does have the right to know their biological father, but it doesn't follow that there bio - father does.

Her husband, in your words, is over the moon, why should YOU ruin his joy and happiness. Maybe the lady in question, seeing her husband's joy, realises you were just a massive mistake and wants to make their relationship work and build a family life together.

She obviously is stressed to say the least about all this DNA intervention, and is obviously going along with it because she feels you are a possible threat.

You say her husband would leave like a shot if he found out about her shenanigans, but don't bet on it, it may well galvanise their relationships.

Stop pressing and stand back.

Your beating yourself up about it, we all make mistakes, wether morally right or not, but it's just unfortunate for you that this one has massive consequences now. She was in the wrong aswell, her even more so because she was the married one. You're probably thinking that she is going to get away with it all and have an easy ride etc. But I can tell you that if she is even contemplating bringing up a child pretending her husband is the father then they will not last. That goes beyond all realms of deceit, and will only leave her in a deep dark place.
Regardless of if you tell him or not, they are not going to last. You do what you think you need to do. I can imagine you don't want to break the poor guy, but this heartbreak will only come later for him anyway. You're best off just taking some time out n think what your going to do about the situation. But bloody hell what a shit situation.

Forgot to add, you can't let her get away with not letting you see your child, wether she's married or not. You have every right just as much as she does.

Good luck OP.