I've messed up so badly

[JustNormal1]

Hey all. I appreciate this is going to get me words that I truly deserve to hear insofar as I've messed up baldly.

I have possibly made the woman I have been seeing pregnant.

She is adamant it's her husbands but they have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 4 years and the dates of conception match perfectly with when we were meeting and having sex 3-4 x a week, often multiple times per meeting. She told me he is an alcoholic and profuse smoker who takes no interest in her.

She has told him it's his baby and cut me out of the picture, she still messages me and calls from time to time. He is over the moon.

I need the truth and so have requested we do a paternal non invasive DNA match which she reluctantly has agreed to. However she said either way she would expect me to be silent.

I'm not sure my head can handle this as I may have a child being brought up by another man who doesn't know that the little one isnt his. What sort of a person would be able to do that.

She is scared I will do something to jepordise her relationship (more than we already have) but I'm not like that, in my eyes we made a mistake and we have to be truthful.

I'm no benchmark for moral compass but I want to do the right thing.

[JustNormal1]

Hey there. The mutual friend has known all along. It's not news to her.

I won't be aggressive, it's not in my nature and not good for her regardless of baby is mine or not. Like I said, cool calm and rational is the way forward.

[QueSera]

I feel that the main consideration should be whats best for the child. Bearing this in mind, i think most children would want to grow up knowing who their parents are; and (as long as they are not abusers etc) would want to be raised by their parents.
Therefore if you are the father, be a father.
The mother will have to deal with the issues she brought on herself by having unprotected sex many times with a man who is not her husband.
Her husband can be a step-father if he chooses.

[Lovedlost]

OP, can I ask a question regarding your feelings towards the woman? Are you in love with her?
You mentioned that she stated strong feelings for you, and expectations for the future. You haven't clarified whether you shared in those thoughts and plans. Unless I missed something - if so, I apologise.
I'm just trying to get my head around the situation, and how you are coping with this turn of events.
You seem like a decent man who is stepping up to take responsibility for the situation, which I applaud. She was cheating, whilst giving you expectations for the future of your relationship. It sounds as though you spent a lot of time together, so this must be a huge kick in the face.

Clarifying - affairs are never something that I would encourage, and I know how destructive they can be after discovering messages between my exH and OW.

[Cricrichan]

I'd wait until the baby is born and then get a DNA test. If she refuses then tell the husband. Once you find out whether the baby is yours or not, you can decide what to do. Tell her your intentions.

[mindutopia]

I think you're doing the right thing in moving forward and getting a DNA test. I would try not to overthink it until you know the results of that. If the baby is yours, then that baby has a right to know her/his father regardless of the damage it may cause to someone else. I would offer her the chance to tell her husband herself, but if she is unwilling, I would keep yourself out of it and go through a solicitor. That way it doesn't seem like you are being vindictive and you are ticking all the boxes to make sure things are done the proper way. I wouldn't get involved with the husband yourself in any way.

If the baby isn't yours, I would accept that she has chosen her path and regardless of any feelings you both may have had in the future, you need to let it go and move on with your life. She'll have to live with this the rest of her life and that will be enough. I wouldn't complicate either of your lives any more by trying to pursue anything further. It's not fair to you. If she cared about you and wanted a future with you, she wouldn't still be married to this guy and I think you need to leave it in the past.

Either way I hope you get the answer you're hoping for.

[JustNormal1]

Hi there.

Sorry for the not getting back to you.
A number of months ago I truly would have said yes I do lover her with all my heart but I have to do some damage limitations so I’m reserving admitting to still being 100% head over heels in love. A lot has happened in the past few months. I’ve had DNA clarification that baby is mine and I’ve been cut out of the picture. It’s a difficult time. I don’t want to destroy the person I had the affair with as it’s not my nature but I need to be there for my biological child. I can hear you all shooting me down but it’s how I feel.

[Iooselipssinkships]

So the baby is yours? Does her DH not know? What are you wanting to do?

[Myheartbelongsto]

Take her to court for access.

[TammySwansonTwo]

Not sure whether to congratulate or comiserate. I'm sure you must have very mixed feelings.

Your child absolutely deserves the truth and a relationship with you.

Personally, I would continue to try and have a rational discussion about this. Tell her you have no interest in destroying her life, but this is your child and you both deserve to have a relationship. She has the opportunity here to handle this tactfully and as kindly as possible, and to tell her poor husband now, before the baby is born. The longer she waits, the harder it will be. She must know that you will take legal action for access if she doesn't deal with this herself?

[hellsbellsmelons]

In that case the only thing you can do is take her to court for access to YOUR child.
You need to tell her you will be doing this so she can prepare.
Don't do it until after the baby is born as it will put a huge amount of stress on her.
Not that she doesn't deserve it but the baby doesn't.

[DearMrDilkington]

Honestly? I wouldn't give a crap about hurting her feelings at this point. She clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings, her dhs or your child's feelings when they find out she's lied to them their whole life.

Go through the courts to get access, forget about her feelings and think about yours and your child.

[sashimiyummies]

I would make sure you have access to your child. They deserve to know their biological father.

[Kr1st1na]

Do you want “ access “ to the child or to be a parent?

Too many men in your situation want their rights but have no intention of fulfilling their responsibilities . I know you say your are honest and honourable but your action so far prove otherwise.

You had the responsibility to use a condom and you didn’t for completely spurious reasons. You say you are a HCP and yet you didn’t seem to grasp GCSE biology .

You had the responsibility not to shag a married woman, but you didn’t.

Your posts are all about you and your rights and what you want. Little about the baby and what’s in his / her best interest.

So forgive me for not being particularly sympathetic.

What are you going to do for this child? Are you going to go part time to care for him / her ? How much child support are you going to pay ?

Please assure me that this isn’t all about putting baby photos on your FB page and taking the child to your mothers house twice a year ?

[JustNormal1]

Hi.

Yes according to DNA test I am a 99.9% match.

No her DH doesn’t know, she has led him to believe the child is his. I’ve been pretty much cut from speaking to her because she said it’s harassment when I ask a question which she says is then putting unsure stress and hyper anxiety on her and the baby.

Following on, when I try to speak to her she says I’m threatening her so I have no option but to pull back. She keeps saying ‘my baby’ to everything. Which of course she is right and I can’t argue that. I refer as ‘my biological child’ which i think is upsetting her.

[Worriedrose]

These secrets never stay secret. She's delusional if she thinks that can happen
I think your only option is to speak to a solicitor.
She doesn't really have any right to cut you out of the picture

[Worriedrose]

And what she is going to her husband is so cruel
They might stay together, he might want to be a dad to the child. That's his choice
But you do have rights

[Notreallyarsed]

She’s playing everyone. Her husband, you and the baby. Take her to court so that you can build a proper relationship with your child, not just access.

[JustNormal1]

Thank you Kristina for your opinions. Whilst I don’t agree with you I do believe the points you make are quite valid for some people.

Parenthood is a gift to be cherished regardless of the circumstances.

You’ll be pleased to know I don’t have Facebook so no photos will be paraded around like a trophy and in addition my parents have both sadly passed away. I’m sure they would have liked to see a child twice a year.

Like I said in earlier posts. No we didn’t use contraception which was a dumb move but don’t judge me for falling in love with someone. I’m human.

[Notreallyarsed]

Parental rights and responsibilities would be a good start, followed by fulfilling the responsibilities consistently and regularly.

[Notreallyarsed]

You had the responsibility not to shag a married woman, but you didn’t

Really? And there I thought it was the person in a committed relationship that had the responsibility not to be a cheat, not to prevent their child from knowing who they are and not to force a child that isn’t his onto the husband.

[Worldsworstcook]

You know it's not going to end well OP, for the lady at least.

But regardless I wish you well and hope that work out for the best for you.

I did recently read a study that said some wild figure, like 18%, of all children are passed off as someone else's! So you're not alone!

[SparklyMagpie]

I'd be doing everything I can for my child and I would be taking her to court

I can't imagine how hard all of this is

[Animation86]

I appreciate she may not want to be with me
That would be a saving grace - she cheated on someone she made vows with and were trying for a family. What kind of woman does that?

And you have a close friend who supported this affair. Honestly, i despair.

So the only victims here is her DH and the child. Do not, for one minute let this charade continue. This man is NOT who she says he is, it's straight out the cheaters handbook and if he was so bad she wouldnt be with him!!!!!! This guy believes he is finally having a family, his life is an utter lie and the least you can do is find that way to tell him and let him regain control of his life! You owe it to him.

[swingofthings]

How long did this affair go on for and how long after being pregnant did she dump you? Did she contact you to tell you about the pregnancy or did you find out from the friend?

Like the first person who responded to your thread, I get that vibe that she only used you as a sperm donor. It's amazing what infertility can lead women to do and then convince themselves they are doing the right thing.

If this is the case, then she used you in the most selfish and calculating way, totally ignoring the impact this would have on you emotionally to please herself. It's not just you she is betraying, but her husband and child. Her husband might have been desperate to have a child, but might not have been interested at all to become the father of a child who isn't biologically his.

You are doing the right moral thing, but do discuss the implication of going through it. Expect her to be very angry and therefore unsuportive of you have access. She might come up with false accusations, and even if she doesn't, she might make it very hard for you to have regular access. If that's the case, your only friend will be the courts, and the courts are very expensive.

So before you do anything, think hard what you want out of it.