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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've messed up so badly

178 replies

JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 19:40

Hey all. I appreciate this is going to get me words that I truly deserve to hear insofar as I've messed up baldly.

I have possibly made the woman I have been seeing pregnant.

She is adamant it's her husbands but they have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 4 years and the dates of conception match perfectly with when we were meeting and having sex 3-4 x a week, often multiple times per meeting. She told me he is an alcoholic and profuse smoker who takes no interest in her.

She has told him it's his baby and cut me out of the picture, she still messages me and calls from time to time. He is over the moon.

I need the truth and so have requested we do a paternal non invasive DNA match which she reluctantly has agreed to. However she said either way she would expect me to be silent.

I'm not sure my head can handle this as I may have a child being brought up by another man who doesn't know that the little one isnt his. What sort of a person would be able to do that.

She is scared I will do something to jepordise her relationship (more than we already have) but I'm not like that, in my eyes we made a mistake and we have to be truthful.

I'm no benchmark for moral compass but I want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/08/2017 20:33

If you're the father, provide financial support, seek access. Her marriage and lies to her H are her problem, but he deserves to know.

Offred · 27/08/2017 20:33

I think in that case you need to reassure her that what you are interested in is the welfare of the child and that you have no interest in a romantic relationship with her or upsetting her husband for no reason. Remind her that if you are the father the situation is going to be very upsetting for her husband but it's important to prioritise the child here.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:34

Hi. Yes of course there's desire but her relationship with her husband comes first and if that's who she chooses to be with then that's my punishment for my abhorrent behavioir.

OP posts:
wowbutter · 27/08/2017 20:35

I'm going against the general opinion here, but I think you should back off.
She says it's her husbands, and she wants it to be.
Yes, there is a possibility it is yours, it a small one and in the eyes of the law it is her husbands.
Back off and get on with your life. Dont rip apart hers.

SandyY2K · 27/08/2017 20:36

Just make sure that the results are sent to you or she could tamper with them.

You also know that the child of a married woman is assumed to be the father.

If this child is yours, you are likely in for years of stress ahead. Her husband can decide to stay with her and raise the child thinking he's the dad.

I have a friend who got herself in a similar mess and her DH is raising the baby as his. She confessed to it. Well she had to anyway, as the father was a from a different ethnic background.

Feel free to PM me if the baby is yours and you want further info.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:38

She told me she couldn't conceive and that they had been trying for 4yrs or so. She told me that she wanted babies and a home with me etc etc. She said she loved me.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:41

Thank you SandyY2K. I will.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/08/2017 20:46

I think backing off and allowing the husband to think it's his is very risky TBH.

The only thing that matters is what is right for the child and I can't see any scenario that involves lying about paternity working out well for him/her.

Keeping her marriage together at all costs is not important, particularly when the costs will more than likely be borne by the child.

I had a friend in exactly this position. She didn't bond with the baby over the worry, the relationship broke down anyway. Years later she was considering tracking down the guy who might be the dad for a paternity test. Everyone was miserable and also by this time the child was old enough to be aware of the process.

In the end she decided to keep lying to her son. I don't speak to her anymore as her life became very chaotic.

Ebony69 · 27/08/2017 20:46

Why should the OP 'back off' if there's a chance that the child is his? This child has the right to know their biological father (and perhaps the paternal family) and it's understandable that the OP should want to know. One of the few privileges of being female is that we can never find ourselves in the OP'a position. But just try to consider the unresolved issue of not knowing whether or not a child who is about to be born is yours or not.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 20:48

For those who think I'm just in it to cause trouble, I am not. If her OH/DH was even remotely suspicious regarding paternity he would absolutely end it. I have friends who have met him and say this. No prisoners.

Hence why I am tiptoeing around this to ensure I don't fuck his life up anymore than I already have. I don't expect any praise for doing it this way but like I said I'm just trying to do it right. Hence asking people and not just being a dick.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/08/2017 20:49

It sounds nice and neat to say 'just back off' but the reality will be that the mum will then have to make the decision everyday for the rest of the child's life to continue lying. Lying to your husband about cheating is a big enough burden, it is altogether a different ball game to wilfully lie to your child about something as big as this and even just the not knowing is bad enough (as it was for my friend).

splendidisolation · 27/08/2017 20:50

Of course the OP shouldnt back off. Theres a very strong chance this baby is his.

Why should this woman get
A) a baby
B) a husband
C) the chance to fuck around having an exciting affaor all with no consequences but deceiving her husband and child and leaving the OP mourning for what very probably is his birth child?

Jesus.

Demand a paternity test OP. Stop playing to her fiddle. Stop being so sensitive to her anxieties and fears. She's potentially made a child with you. You have just as many rights as she does. Dont let her manipulations stop you from being there for your kid if its yours. Have confidence.

RhinoGirl · 27/08/2017 20:51

Eyes of the law? Really? This is about what is right, if the child is the OPs, he has a right to his child. Don't do anything until results of DNA.

splendidisolation · 27/08/2017 20:53

You havent messed up OP and you arent a bad person.

You had sex with a married person. Its not a great thing to do by any means, but you havent done any betraying.

Belindaboom · 27/08/2017 20:55

Definitely get the paternity test and go from there. If it's your child or there's any chance it is then you need to know.

Posters saying "back off" "stop causing trouble", this child will potentially have a completely different medical history from what is thought. Something as simple as blood type could give it away. What if the child gets ill, is the OPs and needs a bone marrow transplant for example. Give your heads a wobble.

LexieLulu · 27/08/2017 20:59

The partner needs to be told now imo. If the baby is born and he is thinking he is the dad, it would be a million times harder!

Gaggleofgirls · 27/08/2017 21:07

Having seen this scenario twice; this is what the outcome was for both...

Neither said anything to DH and both DHs are both still unaware.
One turned out to be OMs and the other wasn't.
In both scenarios I think it was a much better decision to keep it to themselves, their husbands are fantastic fathers and would no doubt have left if they'd questioned paternity.

Does she want you to cause trouble within her marriage and split it up? I only ask as why else would she even tell you she was pregnant? If she'd just ended it you'd have been none the wiser.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 21:12

Hi. That's the next step. If the little one isn't mine then I just know she will want me to 'leave her alone' to raise the baby as a family unit. My next battle would then be making her aware of my rights and responsibilities.

God forbid if baby is unwell then yes I realistically may need to donate tissue/blood/BM. I'm a healthcare professional and understand all too well the things that can deviate from script.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 21:15

Sorry. That's meant to say if baby is mine.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/08/2017 21:21

It's not about her, her marriage, how good a father her husband may or may not be.

There will be consequences re the circumstances in which this child was conceived. The adults involved need to ensure they are minimised for the child.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 21:29

Thank you everyone for you guidance.

I appreciate what I have done is morally wrong and deserve to be told to leave her an her husband alone to live in happiness with a little baby in he attempt to make things right for them both.

I will definitely take your comments on board and develop a way in which I can, with empathy and compassion, have DNA test and dependant on the results 'stop playing her fiddle' and be there to support the baby.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/08/2017 21:38

I think you are too hard on yourself TBH. It was wrong to get into this with a married woman, it was wrong to rely on what she said re contraception but TBH this outcome is so shitty as to be well more in terms of consequences than either of those decisions deserve.

BrutusMcDogface · 27/08/2017 21:47

It takes two to tango! There's no point whatsoever in chastising the op for not having put a hat on it. What's done is done.

If the baby is yours, op, you have the right to be a father to him or her. Don't let this woman get away with it.

Original poster
JustNormal1 · 27/08/2017 22:04

Thank you SplendidIsolation. I appreciate your clarity. I've copied and pasted your message to a very close friend of the both of us and she applauds your advice.

I will follow that route if baby is mine. If baby isn't I hope she/he has a long and happy life and I'm sure will receive love and kindness form family.

OP posts:
Windytwigs · 27/08/2017 22:17

^ why are you already getting other ppl involved? Doesn't this put your 'mutual friend' in a very difficult position? It's interesting that the only feedback you have deemed good enough to share is that which takes an aggressively negative view of the pregnant woman 'getting her own way'. I would suggest that this isn't the best view and frame of mind for going forward and trying to successfully develop a good relationship with her, IF the kid is yours.