I've messed up so badly

[JustNormal1]

Hey all. I appreciate this is going to get me words that I truly deserve to hear insofar as I've messed up baldly.

I have possibly made the woman I have been seeing pregnant.

She is adamant it's her husbands but they have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 4 years and the dates of conception match perfectly with when we were meeting and having sex 3-4 x a week, often multiple times per meeting. She told me he is an alcoholic and profuse smoker who takes no interest in her.

She has told him it's his baby and cut me out of the picture, she still messages me and calls from time to time. He is over the moon.

I need the truth and so have requested we do a paternal non invasive DNA match which she reluctantly has agreed to. However she said either way she would expect me to be silent.

I'm not sure my head can handle this as I may have a child being brought up by another man who doesn't know that the little one isnt his. What sort of a person would be able to do that.

She is scared I will do something to jepordise her relationship (more than we already have) but I'm not like that, in my eyes we made a mistake and we have to be truthful.

I'm no benchmark for moral compass but I want to do the right thing.

His name will go on the birth certificate. He will be legally recognised as the father. Hopefully they will raise, love, care and nurture the child and give the child a great life. The child will grow up knowing the husband as their father. The husband and wife will be the one's doing the night feeds, changing nappies, and suffering seemingly constant crying because of teething.

You can rest assured, even if you initiate legal action, she / they will subvert any contact you may be warded, even if you win.

She lied to you, she lied to her husband but in that instance, you were happy to go along with the lie and support it so you could have illicit sex, three times a week.

People on here are bashing the wife but give you a pass. Contraception is not ONLY a woman's issue or responsibility, but also a man's, but you were happy to dip it without being covered !? Seriously, do you think your actions are any less shitty than hers ?

And now a child is on the way, and you talk about YOUR rights. Until the child arrives, you have NO rights, no rights to hassle this woman, no rights to cause undue stress to her and the baby and no right to intervene in their relationship because she has told you it's over. And even then, when the child arrives, it's a moot point.

Telling her husband would only be an act of revenge, comparable only with his wife's deceit.
You keep telling us what a great guy 😳 you are, so I guess that rules that out, or does it !?

I cringe with all this crap about single, professional guys saying they'd like a child and to be a father outside of the normal channels.

If you spend thousands on lawyers, cause undue stress to everyone concerned, you just may get six hours a week of supervised access in a welfare centre. It certainly won't match your rose tinted view of being a Dad.

I'm not sure you can insist that a married couple that they have to do a dna test done on their child.

letting a man unknowingly bring up another's mans child is a shitty thing to do, and that his wife should come clean, but it's certainly not your job to tell him.

Actually..it is his job when it's the OPs child in question and the wife refuses to.

Nobody should be deceived about being a dad ... when it's another man's child.

It's disgusting that anyone thinks the OP should just walk away.

@Sandy

It's not the Op's ' job ' to tell the husband at all, why do you think that !?

It wasn't the Op's job to dick the wife, without contraception ?

The wife has chosen, to stay with her husband and considering the baloney she gave Op about her husband being an emotional abuser, it's rather strange and doesn't fit the narrative at all.

Why does Op's ' RIGHTS ' supersede those of the wife and her husband.

Op has admitted his messy and massive mistake but wants to atone for them and do the right thing. But doesn't the wife have the same right to redemption / forgiveness / whatever if she wants to make things ' right '

There is no right or wrong in this mess.

The husband may be an emotional abuser, but equally, he could be a decent, hard working, thoughtful, caring guy. And he IS the innocent party.

And he may well forgive his wife, even if Op tells him.

The wife has played the Op and is playing her husband, but I ask myself, if her husband was such a shit and Op is this loving, caring, sharing professional man who is great father material, then why didn't she leave her husband for him, especially in light of the fact she was pregnant by the Op. ( For a plausible answer, see the previous paragraph ).

The more Op's pushes, the more the wife will push back. There is NO baby at the moment so Op's ' RIGHTS ' don't mean jack shit.

If the Op goes ahead with trying to instigate some type of legal action, the husband will eventually be informed, one way or the other. Perhaps this is Op's strategy with the possible added bonus of splitting them up and possibly driving her back to him ( The Op ).

This action, could backfire drastically and galvanise them to ' fight off ' the Op, together.

Either way, I don't think it's going to end well for the Op.

The wife already seems to resent the Ops contact and she apparently ' suffers ' his contact for fear of her husband finding out. But I suspect as the pregnancy runs it's course, she'll try to end any contact with the Op, whatsoever.

What's he going to do then !? Have his solicitor pick the child up for ' Daddy Time ', every third Sunday in the month.

I have never said he should walk away, I have said he should back off, stop pushing, stop bullying her, ( I bet the wife was ecstatic over taking part in the DNA test with no coercion from the Op ), give her space and patiently wait to see how things unfold.....

But quite a few idiots on here are encouraging the Op to go in with all guns blazing, and that never ends well.

I love the way a lot of the posters think that this future family, wife and husband, will now live in contented bliss with the child they've always longed for.

She was having an affair, for whatever reasons she wasn't happy. It could be the truth that the husband is not a very nice man. We only have the OPs word on that, of course.

What makes anyone think that these people are going to bring a child into a happy fluffy home?

Maybe the best chance in life will be to spend time with the biological father who loves them, rather than a home fraught with tension and deceit.

serialcheat.. we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

The OP has a right to a relationship with the child whether she likes it or not.

If she didn't want him involved she should never have told him she was pregnant and just ended the affair.

Having supported a man who discovered his adult son wasn't his bio son (once his wife had passes away) ... when his son was critically ill...I have seen the devastating effect this had... so there's no way I could ever support a woman in her position playing God and potentially ruining other people's lives. She will effectively force the OP to tell her H.. because she refuses to.

She didn't play this game smartly enough unfortunately for her.

I have a friend who was in this position. She confessed to her DH and he forgave her...she had the baby and he's raising her as his DD..but she also has a relationship with her bio dad.

She stepped out of the marriage... now she needs to step up and tell the truth.

It's not just about her anymore

Just as an aside, if the woman has allowed an invasive test during her pregnancy to determine paternity, she MUST have believed the baby to be her husbands.

Why would she not wait till the baby was born and send off a fake sample? Why even tell you of the pregnancy?
If she wants her husband to be the only father to the baby it would have been easy to deceive you.

I'm not saying I would agree with any of this, I just can't comprehend the logic behind any of it.

So there are many points to speak of given the Responses and I don’t have the capability of answering each point made. Feel feee to ask individual questions and I am happy to answer them but I can’t keep track of rants.

May I just say that I agree with you saying it’s not my place to out her to anybody so I won’t be doing that. What good will become of that to the unborn child. What she chooses to do are her choices so please don’t think I’m going to take any of those choices out of her hands. I have no interest in splitting them up.

For the record. She instigated the DNA test, I just paid for it. So why don’t you reserve judgement on me until in receipt of fact rather than making salacious inferences.

I have no rights until the baby is born. Period. I am going to a solicitor to see what my legal rights are so if I ask something of her I know it’s not an unreasonable request but that won’t happen until after baby is born because until then it’s her body and her choices. One thing I would say to anyone is ‘every decision you make in life carries a consequence,’ regardless of the decision to be made. That’s just how it is. I have NO interest in splitting them up as you suggested, she said she loves him and made a mistake telling me she loves me and wants children with me. That’s ok, I’m an adult and can handle such rejection, I can manage my emotions. I suppose what I’m trying to say is there’s no underlying agenda to miraculously ‘win her back’ it’s not an option but it doesn’t mean we need to be disrespectful to one another and try and do what’s right.

I’m far from a model citizen but I am trying to do what’s best for everyone and if that means seeking help from a solicitor to ask what my rights are then what’s the harm? We ask people for advice and guidance every day done we? It’s how we learn.

The woman cannot have determined paternity without her husband's consent because it would need his dna to be tested.

So, owing to the fact she told me she was no longer sleeping with her husband I presumed there would be no need for DNA testing. However, she approached me and said she wanted one to know definitively. I agreed and we had a non invasive DNA test done (mums blood holding foetal DNA and my cheek swab). She wanted to get DNA from DH but without his consent I explained this would be impossible. Selfishly I said if I was paying for the test I wanted my DNA compared to the foetal DNA to give me a 99.9% positive or 99.9% negative result so I would know if the child was mine.

@serialcheat people like you are the reason feminism has a bad name. Because it’s not feminism, it’s man hating. Fucking hell, the wife is a lying, cheating arsehole and yet you seem to think she’s the innocent party. Good grief.

Really no need for the abrasive and condescending tone serial, I'm entitled to give my opinion as much as anyone else and you seem totally overinvested in this woman's pursuit of a baby and family life at detriment to others. Wind your neck in.

* And who are you to say that the child won't be brought up in a loving environment, where the wife was so desperate for a child, she use the Op as a sperm bank with a little jiggy on the side as an added bonus, and a husband who is ' Over the moon ' thinking he is going to be a father.*

Blah blah blah you are painting an even bigger fantasy in return....

Desperate for a child, over the moon, loving environment. With a supposed heavy drinker who neglects his partner, and a lying cheating wife?

And accepting a cheats wish to use a man as a sperm bank without any thought of the emotional fallout? Top class!

Sorry to derail your thread @JustNormal1 but the misandry on this thread is somewhat breathtaking.

Next they'll be suggesting you set up an anonymous college fund for the child whilst still having no contact or place in his life.

His name will go on the birth certificate. He will be legally recognised as the father. Hopefully they will raise, love, care and nurture the child and give the child a great life. The child will grow up knowing the husband as their father. The husband and wife will be the one's doing the night feeds, changing nappies, and suffering seemingly constant crying because of teething.

Look I get about 80% of your posts serialcheat and I get the sentiment but this? Hopefully this man lives in a lie he doesnt know about? I hope not!

The husband has a right to know, to be told, whether OP tells or he discovers through legal contact once the baby is born.

If it's your baby you have every right to proper access to your child. Don't lose sight of that. I hope you have a good solicitor because men are often treated badly by the courts in these situations. But that doesn't mean that if you want your child you should back down.

Good luck.

The woman cannot have determined paternity without her husband's consent because it would need his dna to be tested.

Not true. ^..^

If the OPs DNA matches... there's no need to test her husband. Paternity has been confirmed.

She's mad to think you'd fork out for a DNA test...find out it's yours...then walk away.

Don't contact her at all until the baby is born.

She'll think you've let it lie and be blindsided.

It takes a heartless person to deceive a man he's the father... it's nothing but cruel.

serialcheat people like you are the reason feminism has a bad name. Because it’s not feminism, it’s man hating. Fucking hell, the wife is a lying, cheating arsehole and yet you seem to think she’s the innocent party. Good grief.

^...^...^...^
Well said and spot on @Notreallyarsed

it’s not my place to out her to anybody so I won’t be doing that

In that case, you have no chance of anything going your way.

I am going to a solicitor to see what my legal rights are

If you are not willing to 'out' her, it's irrelevant what your legal rights are.

@GreenFingers

I agree. That doesn’t make the decision any easier to out her to her innocent husband, and most certainly not whilst she’s carrying a child.

@serialcheat people like you are the reason feminism has a bad name. Because it’s not feminism, it’s man hating. Fucking hell, the wife is a lying, cheating arsehole and yet you seem to think she’s the innocent party. Good grief

Excellent comment, I couldn't agree more.

Oh OP. This is an awful situation but your responsibility is to your child, not this man.

Also, never forget that this child has a right to its father. You. And that's another more important reason to make sure you are present and fight to be recognised.

You've been treated worse than a sperm doner.

serialcheat - are you the pregnant woman or husband of? If not, you’re just a prick.

Shut up. You’re absolutely vile.

Yes he made a mistake sleeping with a married woman. But she told him she couldn’t conceive. She betrayed her vows. She is the one responsible here.

She’s now playing god with the child’s life and her husbands in addition to the OP’s. He’s doing the honourable thing here and trying to get access to his kid.

God forbid that child ever needs bone marrow treatment or an organ transplant and the OP is a match but not in its life. God forbid the points about the husband being abusive is true and the child is raised in an neglectful and abusive environment.

You are seriously unhinged and need to get your head checked out if you seriously think any of the shit you are spouting is right. Your moral compass is way off.

You really believe you are going to be this amazing father. If she hates you for ruining her life by outing her etc then I am sorry you won't have the great father experience.

None of the posts here encouraging you to not care about her feelings, seems to give a toss about the sort of upbringing this child would have if you insist of being in his/her life and the mum hated you. You will not get full custody whatever you do so the child life will be coloured by the misery you are insisting on putting the mum through.

Both of you made a mistake. Leave her alone. You don't care about her at all from the sounds of it. You were happy to cheat with her and now want to paint her as some horrible person who is stopping you from being good.

@Token: Go back to your Nintendo !!!!

@Not really arsed & Jenna: I don't give a fuck about feminism !!!!!

Quote me where I said she's innocent !? I said the husband was the innocent party.

@Animation: Quote me where I said ' The husband shouldn't know ' !? The husband is the innocent party, of course he deserves, to know, and it should be the wife who tells him, not some guy who had a brief affair with her and couldn't take the responsibility of slipping a condom on.

He may well already know and he may have been part of the deceit for all we know.

The Op has just stated that the wife has told him it was all a huge mistake and she's in love with her husband. The lies in this mess are deep and complex but the Op was also party to some of them.

If the Op had made an unattached woman pregnant, and finding out after she had ended it, he was the biological father but she didn't want him involved, I'd have a great degree of sympathy with him, but in this scenario, I don't !!!!!!

I have never said the wife was innocent ( Somebody quote me ), from the off I have said she was a lying shit, what I said was I don't understand why she gets all the blame when the Op seems to get a pass.

He knew she was married, regardless of the lies she told, why does the Op get a free pass from most of you !?

Yes, she cheated, technically, he didn't, so I suppose that makes the Op a beacon of virtue !?

I think not.

From what the Op has said, she wants nothing more to do with him, full stop.

So for the duration of the pregnancy, he has absolutely no right to contact her. Or get involved in any shape or form.

I agree the best thing he could do is take legal advice. But I have several friends, ( Husbands and father's whose ( ex ) wives make it virtually impossible for them to see their children ). Do you think it will be any easier for him !? Realistically, IF the husband stays with his wife, IF he wants to bring the child up as his own, I'm guessing the wife and husband will unite in making it impossible for the Op to have any meaningful relationship with the child, and why should they !? Why should the husband have to have the guy that shagged his wife, in his life on a regular basis and spending time with his ( The husbands son ), and it WILL be the husband's son, because he will raise them,

I could be totally off beam, the couple may welcome Ops involvement with open arms and joy and it will be a modern, loving, three parent family........ Go figure.

Realistically, I think the Op has two hopes.....

No hope & Bob Hope !!!!!

Token, Notreally & Jenna, I would fight to death for your right to have a point of view at diametric opposite to mine......

Not sure about your shitty insults tho'