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Original poster

13 year age gap - can it work into old age?

181 replies

NancyIris · 19/07/2017 10:46

I am 37 and have recently started seeing a 51 year old man. We have an amazing amount in common and I think he's completely amazing. He is a very caring person and makes me feel very treasured. I am coming out of a broken marriage and have young DC so am wary. He has had various long-term relationships / been engaged in the past but has not been married or had a family.
He is very keen for me to move in and has mentioned marriage (as proof of commitment rather than to put pressure on me).
I am head over heels right now but also a bit scared by the age gap! I feel like it will be magnified as we get older? Also he has some health issues such as high BP, asthma, old sports injuries (he used to run / train a lot, but less now) etc whereas I have the constitution of a moorland pony.
Should I be worrying about the far-off future like this or just enjoying now?
Does this age gap seem too wide?

OP posts:
HeadDreamer · 19/07/2017 10:57

Others are going to come and say it won't be a problem. But I don't want to be with someone who retires a decade before me. It's the health issues etc which you mentioned. I want to retire and then do things when I retire. A 13y age gaps means he will be 78 when you retire. If it doesn't bother you then it's no one else business. but if it does it's nothing wrong either.

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 10:58

Good point I hadn't thought about difference in retirement ages ... in a way it seems bonkers to be thinking about something that far off as things are great now, but it's still preying on my mind.
I just don't think it's something we can discuss together though as it would sound so hurtful to him.

OP posts:
Albatross26 · 19/07/2017 11:02

There have been lots of these posts recently. I'm 30 and dp is 46, has never been an issue. People can become unwell at any age. If you like him, just enjoy! :)

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 11:04

That is good to hear! I guess you're right about the becoming unwell at any age ... it's because I know about these things up front that it feels different, like I know what I might be signing up for.

OP posts:
labradottie · 19/07/2017 11:07

Hope so - my dh is ten years older than me! I am planning to retire early with him so that we can travel etc together, but age isn't always a good health predictor - I had breast cancer at 42 which he has supported me through. We'd always assumed health issues/caring would be the other way around.

MarianneM · 19/07/2017 11:10

Love doesn't grow on trees - do it!!

Outlookmainlyfair · 19/07/2017 11:11

It depends a lot on outlook and genes. Some people age well and have a positive and open outlook. DH is ten years older than me, he keeps active and interested in new ideas and to be honest his family seem to age better than mine, so crossing fingers the age gap is unlikely to become an issue.

user1486956786 · 19/07/2017 11:15

Illness can come at any time, life's short. If he makes you happy go for it. If down the track he does age before you, if you love him you will want to be there for him. I've never worried about age gap with my partner now or future. Deal with that when it comes.

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 11:15

TBH in many ways he seems younger to me than ex-DH who was old before his time ... I think not having DC has kept him young!! It's just his political views that I sometimes think are affected by the different time he grew up but that's not a major thing. Other than that I think he does have an open outlook.
Gene-wise it's not so good. He's mentioned health issues in his family. My grandparents have all lived into their 90s in good health.

OP posts:
dotdotdotmustdash · 19/07/2017 11:16

My DM and my Stepdad have a 13yr age gap, they married when she was 32 and he was 45.

They've been married now for 41 years, but now at 86 his health has begun to deteriorate and he hasn't got a lot of time left. My DM is showing her selfish side and can't seem to cope with being his carer after years of him taking care of lots of domestic activities. He did a lot of the cooking previously and she doesn't like cooking so they seem to live on ready meals and soup, or eating out every couple of days. DM is also pissed off that she can't go on her usual twice-annual cruise as his health has become too delicate (heart failure).

I want to shake her and remind her of this: She married an older man who gave her and her 2 DC a much better life, and she should have been aware that one day the responsibility balance would tip and she would have to step up. I'm getting angrier every time I see them, which is frequently because I have to sort out all his medications for him as she claims she can't (she could).

Sorry to rant. I think my DM has a slightly narcissistic personality and the age gap has highlighted her shortcomings.

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 11:18

She married an older man who gave her and her 2 DC a much better life, and she should have been aware that one day the responsibility balance would tip and she would have to step up

I am absolutely aware of this. I suppose it's exactly that which is worrying me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 11:18

OTOH 41 years is an amazing length for a marriage and I guess being someone's carer is a strain at any age.

OP posts:
MagdalenNoName · 19/07/2017 11:20

I have found my partner 's retirement difficult. (He's 10 and a half years older, but the increase in retirement ages means the gap between us retiring will be 12 and a half years.

Having said that, we are adjusting and there are some advantages in his being able to take on more tasks in the house and garden. He's in good health and is having a new lease of life.

I think if someone did not take good care of their own health, then the age gap would be more of an issue.

PrawnTempura · 19/07/2017 11:22

My DH is 12 years older than me, I'm in my 40s atm. He has already started talking about early retirement (before he's 60) so that we can "do things".

Illness worries me as we're both getting older - I mean, less so when I was in my 20s and with him. However we have a good relationship and if being older means he's more likely to become ill or in need of care (no guarantees obvs) then so be it. All the advantages of being with him will outweigh the possibility of my looking after him.

And after all these years, what's the alternative? I'm not likely to up and leave my DH just because he becomes ill. For better or worse and all that!

TheNaze73 · 19/07/2017 11:26

My DP is more than 10 years older than me & it works.

She'll retire way before me, which looking forward is great, as she can pursue her interests, I can continue working & gives the relationship a chance to breathe. She thinks the same as I do, on this.

Only you OP, can decide what's right for you. If you want to live in each other's pockets as you get older then maybe it's not right however, if you value your own friends, time & interests as much as your relationship, which I think is healthy, it could actually be advantageous, having an age gap

Admirablenelson · 19/07/2017 11:29

I'm ten years older than DW. In some aspects I'm fitter than she is. I'm 65. We have school age children. I don't expect to retire till I'm about 70, but there will be a period when I have finished and she will be working, especially since women's retirement age is rising. By the time she retires I will be elderly, and that is bound to influence what we can achieve in our last years. I don't know if that's any help at all to you! As they say, it all depends.

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 11:31

I'm not bothered at all by the idea of still working when he's retired. Realistically that's 14 years away and my DC will be at uni/working so many things about our time commitments will have changed.
It's more the potentially caring for someone a lot more elderly when I do finally retire ...
I don't know if it's selfish to be thinking like that though! And also it's many, many years down the line.

OP posts:
Wawawaa · 19/07/2017 11:32

My parents have the same age difference. They argued like cats and dogs when younger but get on very well now that they are both seniors (70s and 80s). But my father is still very active which helps and they do a lot of travelling together now which they never did before.

I had a relationship with someone 8 years older than me when I was in my early 20s and it was definitely too much as I wanted to do lots of things and meet lots of new people any my partner wanted to stay in and watch TV (although possibly just a temperament thing).

Saying that, I'm the same age as you and was actually thinking the other day that I wouldn't rule someone out as a partner for being 50. It's young these days, so not too bad a difference at these ages I think.

Firenight · 19/07/2017 11:33

My DH is over a decade older than me. We have been together since I was mid 20s. The kids keep him mentally young - and I do worry about him retiring well before me but the years being happy outweigh that!

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 11:34

I don't want to rule him out ... things are fantastic now, and I am enjoying every minute with him.
It's just the fact that he has mentioned marriage and lifetime together and that did make me cringe/worry a bit about the long-term.

OP posts:
FlyingDuck · 19/07/2017 11:34

The age gap thing really isn't a problem - we aren't talking decades here.

I know this isn't what you're asking BUT ... as you're describing yourself as coming out of a broken marriage and have young DC, and say that this relationship has 'recently started', there's no need to rush moving in. No disadvantage, other than possibly financial, can come of living apart while you consider the relationship further. Why not just enjoy it for a bit; if you aren't thinking of having more children with him, there's no urgency.

TartanDMs · 19/07/2017 11:35

I'm 22 years younger than DH. We have been together for 18 years and couldn't be happier. I'm 38 and he is 60. I think if your partner is young in outlook and you share similar interests, it can make the age gap seem irrelevant.

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 11:36

No I know there's no urgency FlyingDuck and the other circumstances you mention do make me wary of rushing into things. I am enjoying things a lot! Like I said it's just the fact that he talks about our life together in terms of being life partners and the long-term prospects do make me uneasy.

OP posts:
MagdalenNoName · 19/07/2017 11:38

I think I'd be more worried about whether he could adjust well to being with children and be a helpful, caring, stable presence in their lives.

Because they come first, presumably...

JemimaMuddledUp · 19/07/2017 11:40

I'm 12 years younger than DH (he is 51, I am 39). TBH it is less of an issue socially now than it was when we met aged 20 and 32.

The retirement thing worries me slightly as I will actually reach state pension age 14 years after him due to the changes in the rules meaning that he can retire at 66 but I can't until 68. But I'm hoping to be able to go part time (finances allowing - we have 3 DC to put through uni first!) when he retires so that we can enjoy time together too.