13 year age gap - can it work into old age?

[NancyIris]

I am 37 and have recently started seeing a 51 year old man. We have an amazing amount in common and I think he's completely amazing. He is a very caring person and makes me feel very treasured. I am coming out of a broken marriage and have young DC so am wary. He has had various long-term relationships / been engaged in the past but has not been married or had a family.
He is very keen for me to move in and has mentioned marriage (as proof of commitment rather than to put pressure on me).
I am head over heels right now but also a bit scared by the age gap! I feel like it will be magnified as we get older? Also he has some health issues such as high BP, asthma, old sports injuries (he used to run / train a lot, but less now) etc whereas I have the constitution of a moorland pony.
Should I be worrying about the far-off future like this or just enjoying now?
Does this age gap seem too wide?

23 years between my husband and I!

There was 13, nearly 14 years between my husband and me. I did find that the older we got the greater the age gap seemed.

I agree with pp there. I wouldn't consider an age gap bigger than 5 years these days. There was 7 years difference between me and ex and after we split up he was ill for years and recently died aged 61.

Also agree that the age gap is more noticeable the older you get. Again there are 7 years between my parents which was never noticeable until my father became elderly first.

I was married for 7 years with a guy 14 years older then I. I started dating him at 22, he was 36. We separated because I wanted a child and he didn't (he's 50 now and still doesn't), I wanted to party and he wanted to take long walks in the park, I wanted to have sex more than once a week and he wanted it once every couple of weeks. Also, I had a group of friends my age and he had a group of friends his age. We always felt weird hanging out with each others friends. He found mine loud and superficial, I found his boring and sad.
Looking over his old photos and talking to his friends about him, I realised that he used to be a completely different person if his 20's: fun, sexual and happy. Now he was just...tired.
I think is very important to take a good look at all of these differences related to age and to decide if you can accept it or not.

The other thing, and i accept that this is persoanl to me and a bit off topic, that sticks in my craw is the pure hypocrisy of massive age gaps. I would bet my house that the ops lovely man would not look twice at a 63 year old woman or if he was 37 wouldnt be interested in a 51 yr old. It does happen of course but for every man with a woman 15 years older there will be hundreds or thousands of men with much younger woman.
And the idea of a 40 year old man having a 20 year old gf is just plain creepy.

I know 2 divorced mem with much younger women and to me they confide its about the looks and sex. As one said 'she looks great naked and wants sex twice a night. Unlike my last' (who was really lovely and 49)
Of course their gf's wont be told this!!!!
(I am male btw!)

It's just the fact that he has mentioned marriage and lifetime together and that did make me cringe/worry a bit about the long-term.

Then don't get married. Don't move in with him. Do things at a speed and pace which makes you comfortable. I find some men in their 50s and 60s can be quite controlling. Like things their way, how they want it etc. I am not attracted to that sort of man. Take your time. Your child/ten comes first. Always....

I'm ten years older than my husband. We have been married for 11 years now and together for 15. He is my second husband. I'm 58 and he is 48. It has never been an issue and people have always assumed I am the younger one.

I'm 15 years older than my OH, I am 43, he is 28. We've been together nearly 5 years, have a DD(2) (and I have two children from my previous marriage) and we hope to get married in a year or two. The age gap has never been an issue, and it works for us, both as a couple and as a family.

Life is too short! if you have the chance of happiness, take it x

wherearemymarbles I agree with you. I am sceptical when the man is described as 15 years older but lovely
Hmmm. If he was that lovely he 'd have noticed the truly lovely women in their 50s. I'm not in my 50s yet but this is an issue with people in their 40s as well.

Girl I knew, age 28, tired of being dicked around by men her age meets a 45 year old. (True story btw). He collected her from work, brought her home, tidied up her kids' toys and peeled potatoes for her while she went to get her kids from the creche, then he went home because she couldn't see him that night. I nodded and ooooh and aaaaah and said ''you have a good one there'' but I just thought ''desperate to hold on to a much younger woman, he has resorted to picking up toys and peeling potatoes''. Would he have done this for a woman his own age?

Who was it, which famous person said that unattractive women know the nature of men much better than beautiful women.

I agree completely with the above two pp's. A lot of the "older man nice guy because he's more mature stuff " seemed to be because I was a reasonably pretty size eight thirty year old- and the "keenness to commit" seemed to have a desperate "pin her down" edge to it.

A lot of the "he finds me so I interesting and really LISTENS to me because he's so mature" was just an act - he was really thinking " hot young thing then carer, and if I pretend to be a feminist she's got her whole good career ahead of her so that's my retirement sorted"

I'd imagine if he had the option of a size six blonde twenty something I'd suddenly become Ms boring.

Yep. Its not sparkling wit and repartee, its taught skin, firm boobs and a sex drive.

I admit I am a cynic but a man who dates someone 15-20 years younger than them doesnt want a woman his own age for reasons ive stated above. So more fool the women who accept it. I accept that sounds harsh but there it is.

Why does it make the woman a fool exactly? Because she's asking to be replaced by a younger model herself at a later stage?
The guy I am seeing has dated women his own age and in fact the relationship just previous to me was with an older woman.
I understand that it's flattering for men to think that younger women find them attractive but that doesn't always mean the feelings involved can't be sincere does it?
We were friends first before anything else developed so it wasn't a physical attraction thing initially at all. It was based on chatting and then conversations by text or e-mail where we discovered how much we had in common.

I dont think a man of 51 has the option to replace a 37 year old with a younger model!! He's hardly george clooney or barack obama or steve wozniak. He is a man with high blood pressure!

He is worried you'll replace him, hence marriage talk to lock you down prematurely.

Probably shouldnt have posted after a coulple of glasses of wine so my last point a bit ott and unnecessary!

I want to hear what he says about his ex partners.
You are vulnerable and your ex is controlling your behaviour about seeing people, It would be useful to know about your actual relationship breakdown with your ex.

That is what people are saying about getting together too quickly not being a good idea. Many posters will say they met their partners and had moved in within two weeks and it's great and 20 years ago. Yes that can happen but usually when the people concerned are not vulnerable.

It's highly unusual that people especially at that age haven't had some sort of relationship go wrong. but let's see how he presents it.

dont think a man of 51 has the option to replace a 37 year old with a younger model!! He's hardly george clooney or barack obama or steve wozniak. He is a man with high blood pressure
Exactly!
The younger woman is the 'catch' here, not the older man

My in laws are 13 years apart. I've been with DH for 14 years and in that time I've noticed a big difference as they age.

FIL will be 80 in a few days and seems like an old man. He potters about a bit at home and goes to Mass and occasionally his grandchildrens' baseball games. He doesn't seem in very good health :(

By contrast MIL seems younger than almost 67. She still works full time or close to it, teaches after school religion classes, has hobbies etc.

But, I don't know. They've had a good life and seem to have a lot of love for each other. They've had 4 kids and now 7 GC. They've had a happy time.

Ex-partners ... when younger, long-distance relationships, didn't work out ... then one left when he was made redundant, one due to money problems (he lent her money, she couldn't pay it back, things broke down). Ex-fiance as mentioned in pp they lost a baby ... most recent relationship had become platonic after 4+ years and she didn't want to move in or take things further and that was what he wanted (she was close to his age).
Am I being naive?!
I don't feel vulnerable at all. I feel in a much stronger place since separating from DH.

There were 13 years between me and XP. The age difference became a problem when he started limiting himself physically & mentally. He was 48 when we married but by the time he reached 60, he was an old man. A bitter, angry and selfish man, too. My parents are far more lively!

It may be that your partner wants to rope you into marriage so as to ensure himself of a carer when the need arisés. Why else would he want to get married when he's never been married before? You are already aware of this, though. Trust your instincts.

I think he's wanted to get married several times before, including being engaged for a couple of years, but for whatever reason things haven't worked out.

That's even more of a worry (based on my experience)
Just have fun....no hurry to rush things.....it's very very early days x

His previous engagements "haven't worked out"? Yet with you he's rushing into marriage. Hmm... You're fit and strong but he's got long-term age-related health issues... You're on the rebound from an abusive relationship, and even more vulnerable because you have young children to care for... Along comes aging Prince Charming, amusing, entertaining, witty and seductive. He wants to whisk you off into marriage to reassure you.

Think about it. Think hard.

He was only engaged once before.
And is it wrong to enjoy being with someone who's charming, witty and seductive for now?!
He pays me compliments and doesn't take me for granted ... I'd forgotten what that was like after nearly 12 years of marriage. But maybe this is just because it's early days.

I am thinking hard. I always reflect on things a lot and I am absolutely not going into this vulnerable and blinkered.