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Original poster

13 year age gap - can it work into old age?

181 replies

NancyIris · 19/07/2017 10:46

I am 37 and have recently started seeing a 51 year old man. We have an amazing amount in common and I think he's completely amazing. He is a very caring person and makes me feel very treasured. I am coming out of a broken marriage and have young DC so am wary. He has had various long-term relationships / been engaged in the past but has not been married or had a family.
He is very keen for me to move in and has mentioned marriage (as proof of commitment rather than to put pressure on me).
I am head over heels right now but also a bit scared by the age gap! I feel like it will be magnified as we get older? Also he has some health issues such as high BP, asthma, old sports injuries (he used to run / train a lot, but less now) etc whereas I have the constitution of a moorland pony.
Should I be worrying about the far-off future like this or just enjoying now?
Does this age gap seem too wide?

OP posts:
wonderlashes · 19/07/2017 12:25

Go for it if it makes you happy!

Anything can happen to anyone at any age. Please don't let it stop you being happy right now.

I'm a nurse and I see people of ALL ages have heart attacks, strokes etc. 30s, 40s, 50s , you get the picture. Yes the risk increases with age but if you look after yourself and live a healthy life then you can help prevent it.

I regularly see a 92 year old man who's wife was 14 years younger than him (she has passed away) but he said she is what kept him feeling young and was the secret to his long life!
I know real life isn't always like this but it happens Grin

TheFaerieQueene · 19/07/2017 12:35

I'm surprised and a bit shocked that he has discussed marriage if hasn't met your DC yet.
A bit of a red flag for me tbh.

SimplyPut · 19/07/2017 12:37

Dh is 13yrs older than me. We have 3dc's and so far the age gap isn't too apparent... however it will be eventually.
DH is set to retire when I am 52!!! I however only work 30hrs, although in a senior role I condense my hrs working 3 days one week, 4 days the next including one day a week from home. This allows me two long weekends a month. I also negotiated a decent annual leave entitlement going into this post fearing DH could take early retirement!

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 12:42

Faerie why is it a red flag?
It was mentioned in passing / in a joking way.
As I have said he would love to meet DC but not an option at the moment with ex-DH.
I think he is saying it as proof this is a real thing for him not a fling or whatever.

OP posts:
SafeToCross · 19/07/2017 12:44

My dps are more or less the same age as each other (mid 70s), but one is married to someone about 13 years older, one to someone 13 years younger. The former is a full time carer barely leaving the house. The latter has just enjoyed a 10 day active camping holiday. However, I would say both have enjoyed a happy marriage in later life.

MagdalenNoName · 19/07/2017 12:54

I am not sure why exes should have total control over their former partner's social life.

So to me it would make perfect sense if two people think they are interested in each other, that one meets the other person's children. It can be fairly low-key - eg. accompanying mother and the two children on an afternoon out, with the explanation. 'I've invited my friend X to join us. I mentioned the two of you to him and he said he'd like to meet you.' Then, if all concerned seem reasonably positive about each other, you can move forward. And if they don't, that will provide food for thought.

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 12:55

Magdalen I could not agree more. The scenario you've described is exactly what I want ... but probably a few months down the line to avoid conflict with ex-DH.
In the meantime I have this breathing space which is why I am weighing things up and worrying about the age gap!

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 19/07/2017 13:01

10 years between me and DH. I can honestly say it hasn't been an issue for us at all so far. In regards to retirement, yes he will be able to take his pension earlier than me if he wants to but so what? I'm sure he will find plenty to do to occupy himself while I'm working, I strongly suspect he won't actually retire fully until much later anyway and will probably continue to work part time or adhoc. No one can predict what will happen as we get older, even if you are the same age one will die before the other, one may get ill at a younger age than the other etc. If you love someone just go for it.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/07/2017 13:04

I think it's a good idea to take things slowly. Being keen on your moving in is a bit alarming, I'd say - maybe hint that that's a way down the line if you didn't do that at the time?

As you've just come out of a long term relationship, I would suggest making sure you think about what you want. Your posts are more about what he wants and what XH wants: which may be just because of the context, but be aware.

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 13:09

Why is being keen on my moving in alarming?

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 13:10

I thought it was proof he wanted me around.

OP posts:
flippinada · 19/07/2017 13:20

Have you given a moments thought to how the relationship will proceed if he doesn't like or get on with your children, or even considered the possibility?

You're assuming he'll be great with them but how can you say that with any confidence when he hasn't even met them yet?

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 13:22

flippinada yes of course I have thought about this. I talk about them a lot as you would expect, and he is interested and asks me about their likes and dislikes and suggested things we could do with them.

OP posts:
Blossomdeary · 19/07/2017 13:31

Might be worth knowing why his engagement and other long term relationships ended. I would be more interested in that than the age gap. It may be that he is good at the beginnings and not so good at the cohabitation. So, maybe hang fire on that, enjoy what you currently have together and see where it goes.

I think the political differences might be a stumbling block - especially at election times! I never ask my OH who he has voted for - for fear he might tell me!

As to the age gap - you do not know who might become dependent first - could be you! - who knows? But do not underestimate the strain of being a carer - my OH has a neuro-degenerative disorder and it is tough at times.

flippinada · 19/07/2017 13:38

Yes, but he hasn't met them has he? He doesn't know what they're really like.

It may well be he's a lovely chap who's just getting a bit carried away and things will work out between you. But why the rush?

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 13:42

His engagement ended as his ex-partner lost a baby and that affected things very badly. That was 7-8 years ago. Other relationships have ended for different reasons ... the most recent one because after 4 years his gf didn't want to move in or take things further and he did. She was closer in age to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 13:43

I don't think it's a rush exactly just wanting to show commitment. And atm I am living in a horrible rented place and he would like me to be at his house.

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 13:44

I am really sorry to hear about your DH Blossom that must be very tough.

OP posts:
usersos · 19/07/2017 13:49

How long have you Been together op? Sorry if you put that down and I missed it......x

grobagsforever · 19/07/2017 13:54

Men die younger. So the probability is he will die about 20 years before you. For that reason I'd run.

JemimaMuddledUp · 19/07/2017 14:02

My aunt is 13 years younger than my uncle, they are now 67 and 80. AFAIK there aren't any issues relating to their age gap. My other aunt and uncle died at 60 and 76 respectively despite being the same age, so my uncle had 16 years without her. We have no idea how old we'll be when we die or get ill.

Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 14:12

About 3 months usersos.

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyIris · 19/07/2017 14:12

We have known each other for about 18 months.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 19/07/2017 14:32

Without wanting to be alarmist :) I'd say worry less about the age gap and more about the extreme keenness to move in and get married, considering that you are in a vulnerable position at the moment, having just broken up and being in a not-very-nice home. Give it a while, eh? After my nasty break-up with my ex-dh, the first guy I got together with was all hearts and roses too, wanted to marry me etc. but it all came to nothing. I didn't really expect it to - was a bit Hmm about the intensity tbh - but loved the attention and fun, so it was still disappointing.

onlyhumanafterall · 19/07/2017 14:35

How many children do you have op and what ages?

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