13 year age gap - can it work into old age?

[NancyIris]

I am 37 and have recently started seeing a 51 year old man. We have an amazing amount in common and I think he's completely amazing. He is a very caring person and makes me feel very treasured. I am coming out of a broken marriage and have young DC so am wary. He has had various long-term relationships / been engaged in the past but has not been married or had a family.
He is very keen for me to move in and has mentioned marriage (as proof of commitment rather than to put pressure on me).
I am head over heels right now but also a bit scared by the age gap! I feel like it will be magnified as we get older? Also he has some health issues such as high BP, asthma, old sports injuries (he used to run / train a lot, but less now) etc whereas I have the constitution of a moorland pony.
Should I be worrying about the far-off future like this or just enjoying now?
Does this age gap seem too wide?

Why not ask him if he would like a relationship the 64-year-old woman? That's exactly the same age difference. What problems would he foresee in that?

DP is slightly younger than me and is always off sick with something. He never wants to do anything but watch TV. My ex , who was 10 years older, is still working and travelling and has a great social life. You never can tell.

I'm with a man 18 yrs older than me, he has more life in him and interests than my exh who was the same age as me and I spent 15 yrs with him.
My kids 18 & 11 get on very well with my partner and he has a lot of patience and time for them (more than their father) my partner is supportive and loving in a way I've never had before in previous relationships. The age gap did bother me at first but I could be blissfully happy for a good 10 yrs with him or I could have spent another 10 yrs with my exh 'mothering' him and being unhappy. It works for me.

I was with my ex for nearly 20 years. She was 12 years older. It made no difference, we made a great team when we were both working. As others have said, after she retired we started to drift apart.

Coping living with children ... he'd be fine and is really looking forward to meeting them.

How do you know this? He's 51 and has NEVER lived with DC! He may be great, but I don't see how either of you can know how he will feel when it comes to the reality of the thing. He may hate it. He may find the noise and mess and lack of privacy and alone time with you unbearable. As he hasn't even met them yet I don't think you should make any assumptions. You and he are in the first flush of love at the moment and you're clearly keen to make this work, but be cautious. The tone of your posts is that you WANT to be cautious (hence worrying about the age gap), but in reality you don't sound like you really are.

Also I agree with the PP who talked about this man rushing and maybe being in a hurry to 'close the deal'. I would be very cautious OP. You've been burned once, by your exH, and you have two DC who need stability and predictability. I wouldn't be rushing into a relationship with anyone at this point and I certainly wouldn't be planning to move in with a man who is 13 years old in just six months' time when he hasn't even met your kids yet. Slow down! There is no rush. You all the time in the world.

*13 years OLDER, not 13-years-old

There is 13 years between DH and I, I'm 37 and he's 50, been together 12 years and 2 DCs 11 and 9.

The age gap has never been an issue at all but we are fully aware retirement will be tricky for the time that DH retires until I do. My parents own property and are in their early 60s so I should be ok if I inherit so I will be looked after if I am left on my own.

We both have company pensions but DHs is a bit short, we (rightly or wrongly) were a bit blasé about this as we would inherit from his dad but he's an alcoholic in his mid 70s and is now in a care home so that'll all be going straight back to the nursing home, pensions, property etc.

We need to do some serious thinking about what to do to secure our financial future but I still wouldn't change getting together with him, we just should have thought about the boring financial stuff straight away.

Oh and I agree with a few other posters, XH I was only married to for 3 years was only 7 years older so late 20s at the time seemed older than DH even now. It really is about the personality but you have to be happy with the old age thing when it comes of course.

Why not ask him if he would like a relationship the 64-year-old woman?
Indeed! I'm early 50s and men who are early 70s often seem to think I might be romantically interested...i doubt they'd be too keen if a 90 year old woman had the hots for them 🤣

theporcinegrappler I think on dating sites when you pick the lower age you're interested in, it should automatically give you the higher age of the same number of years. So many 50 year olds will search for women who are 35, when it's just like a 65 year old searching for them.

What are these men thinking??
i wouldn't dream of making suggestive comments to a man 20 year younger than me, i might notice that he's very handsome or whatever but I wouldn't think that it therefore follows that I should try my luck.
And yet men old enough to be my dad who are under the impression that I am single will hit on me, apropos of nothing 🤐🤔

I've been with my bf/ptr for 8 months now, he is 17 years older than me. Atm he is the one with more life and energy while I am prob 7 stone over weight and struggle to keep up with him (working on my weight).
Obvs we are stil at v early days but at 38 I am not silly to think age won't creep up on us if we remain together. We have many shared interests as well as enjoying our separate hobbies. I've found unlike many guys my age he is relaxed and comfortable in himself, he isn't trying to big himself up or impress anyone. He makes me more confident and happy without huge gestures, we talk and laugh so much ... without getting all glassy eyed he makes me feel like the best version of me when we are together.

DH and I had no idea how old each other was, we met when I was working at an event he was at. He looks loads younger than he actually is so it didnt cross mind. I was 25 so clearly not close to teen years. I think if he had known before we spoke he would have been less interested as younger women is definitely not his thing. I liked older men so I was more interested once I knew. It's not my biggest age gap relationship. As longer as neither partner is very young I really can't see an issue. If one is under 20 then I can see it could be weird . . .

My Dh is 8 years older.. Hardly ever think about it.. We have 4 children.. Retirement wise I will probably retire a little earlier and/or him later, it seems such a long way off...

Oh we've been married 13 years..

A word of warning;
Please don't let him 'age' you as you reach middle age.

Middle aged women are retaining their youth so much longer these days, I don't mean their appearances but yes I suppose that is a factor but their outlook and interests.

I don't see the same trend in middle aged men who tend to get a bit 'pipe and slippers' especially post sixty.

Yes I'm generalising here and it's just an observation of mine but women with older partners always seem comparatively older than their peers.

There were 36 years between my parents. If my father hadn't died (God rest him), they'd be together still. It CAN work.

It really depends on the individuals concerned, how you view life and what you imagine you'd like in the future.

My dh is 26 years older than me. We've been together 15 years now, married 9. Took it very cautiously for a long time. We both had a child already, both of whom were a bit uncomfortable about our relationship in the early days then got used to it when they realised it was working for us and now we all get on very well. We have a dc now who is 8. Dh is 71 and is a hands on Dad within his capabilities but unfortunately suffers with a chronic (non age related) health problem which limits him a bit. I really wanted a child with him and we got lucky. I do end up doing most of the practical things but for the most part it's fine. Him being retired is helpful too in some ways - discounts on things, he has a free bus pass and no childcare costs as he looks after dc when I'm at work!
Pros and cons of course. Who knows what the next few years will throw at us, we've had a fair few ups and downs already like most long term relationships but we're solid and I'm as sure as I can be that things will be ok.

Go into your new relationship with your eyes open. Don't rush into living together, take it slow with your dc and just see where life takes you. Look after you and dc ultimately though.

I think moving in after 9 months would be rushing it.

I may be unusual in that. I think it would take me about five years! Mind you, when my marriage ended it was three years before I could think positively about dating, so we are clearly very different.

It may be that this is an equation between enormous happiness now for you and risk of challenges later in life (because of health).

But to make a decent assessment of how happy he can really make you now, you need to spend time with him together with your kids. Regardless of age, I don't think anyone with his lack of experience could know what it will be like to take on young stepchildren.

I'd forget the long term, stick with the shoddy rented flat and ask yourself these questions in another year. You'll have so much more to go on and actually do will he!

OP, you mentioned being able to "just walk away" if the marriage didn't work out... I've never heard of anyone wishing to end a marriage being able to "just walk away from it." Especially not when DC are involved. If nothing else, try to imagine how damaging a second divorce would be for them emotionally.

Also, you have no idea as to how your potential partner/husband will adapt to sharing his life (and you) with your DC. At any age, it would be a huge shock for a childless adult to find themselves step-parenting young ones. You're both incredibly naive and/or selfish. Sorry to be harsh.

PP seem keen to rationalize and reassure you that the age difference won't be an issue but IMO, that's the least of your worries in regard to this relationship.

I think a number of PP have answered the title question without reading the thread.

I think the age gap is a red herring - the problem will be going too fast and the grinding reality of sharing you/your time with the children. My dad was actually far happier once he'd retired, and much more interested in keeping up. You must stop thinking about the she (whether or not it's an issue)and ask yourself if you would be the kind of person to plan to move in with a30 year old when he hasn't met the children yet.

If so, then I think age is the least of your problems. Sorry, that's a bit harsh, but it's what I'd be concerned about if you were my sister/friend/ransom mumsnetter

Oops, just seen there are 7 pages. .I'm guessing someone else might've said this already.